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Love Them Don’t Indulge Them. Knowing the Difference. Indulgence Defined. An inability to resist the gratification of whims and desires A disposition to yield to the wishes of someone Gratifying a desire Lenience Pampering. Overindulgence Defined.

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love them don t indulge them

Love ThemDon’t Indulge Them

Knowing the Difference

indulgence defined
Indulgence Defined
  • An inability to resist the gratification of whims and desires
  • A disposition to yield to the wishes of someone
  • Gratifying a desire
  • Lenience
  • Pampering
overindulgence defined
Overindulgence Defined

There are two definitions. Both include no mentoring of children.

  • The first definition requires access to finances via wealth or false-wealth (credit card debt). Parents give to their children, which is a replacement for mentoring of children. Their severe overindulgences are a replacement for parenting.
overindulgence defined4
Overindulgence Defined
  • The second definition requires no finances. Parents, without wealth or false wealth, give their children too much permission too soon. Therefore, their children are not prepared to manage life, as the complications of life come too soon.
conscience deficit due to overindulgence
Conscience Deficit Due to Overindulgence
  • Natural, but painful emotions
  • Causes child to apply good cognition
  • Which creates internal guidance
  • Then in turn feeds the conscience
  • James 1:2-5 – Purpose of Pain
children s reactions
Children’s Reactions
  • Over-Dependency – overindulged children usually become excessively dependent on their parents and others
  • Anger and Resentment – Anger becomes associated with children’s overdependence on parents. For some children, this may lead to opposition and conduct disorder.
children s reactions8
Children’s Reactions
  • Loss of Interdependency – Interdependency is defined as taking care of oneself with the balance of being concerned for others. A symptom of conduct disorders and certain personality disorders is a lack of interdependency (It is all about me with no concern for others).
  • Loss of Self-Reliance – Many overindulged children do not gradually learn the skills necessary to eventually stand on their own two feet.
children s reactions9
Children’s Reactions
  • Inflated Sense of Self – Overindulgent children often hear very positive comments about themselves from their parents. Their parents often do not offer constructive criticism about real flaws. This results in overindulged children not managing constructive criticism form other well-intended adults (e.g. teachers, principals, grandparents, future bosses, etc.).
  • Emotional Distance – Overindulged children tend to create emotional distance with parents more severely than normal.
children s reactions10
Children’s Reactions
  • Loss of Age Appropriate Skills – Since everything is corrected for them and done for them, overindulged children do not learn basic age appropriate skills
  • Learn Conditional Love – Overindulged children often times do not experience unconditional love as they are never wrong.
research insights
Research Insights
  • Early Writings
  • Symptoms Associated with Overindulged Children
  • Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • Myths
  • Miscellaneous but Important Research
insights early research
Insights – Early Research
  • Baumrind was one of the first writers/researchers that described permissive parents. He described permissive parents as highly responsive to their children with low expectations. Permissive parents were nurturing, but offered freedom to the children to make choices with little guidance and little control.
  • It produced a “charming sociopath.”
  • Baumrind, D. Effects of Authoritative Parental Control of Child Behavior, Child Development, (1996), 37, 887-907
insights early research13
Insights – Early Research
  • Dr. Nelms found that parents, who are ambivalent and confused about parenting, could not differentiate between nurturing behavior and overindulgence.
  • Love & overindulgence blended together.
  • Nelms, B. C. Attachment vs. Spoiling, Pediatric Nursing, 1983, 49-51
insights early research14
Insights – Early Research
  • Dr. Swain termed the phrase “Spoiled Child Syndrome” which is the transfer of power from parents to children via overindulgence.
  • Swain, D. W. The Spoiled Child Syndrome, Changing Family Conference XIV proceedings, Iowa City, Iowa 1985, 67-71
insights symptoms
Insights - Symptoms
  • Dr. McIntosh offered symptoms related to Spoiled Child Syndrome:
    • Excessive self-centeredness
    • Immature behavior
    • Parent unwilling to enforce age-appropriate rules.
    • Excessive lack of consideration of others
    • Entitlement
    • Temper outbursts
    • Manipulative
  • McIntosh, B.J. Spoiled Child Syndrome, Psychological Bulletin, 1993, 69-79
insights symptoms16
Insights - Symptoms
  • It was found that permissive parenting was associated with children who had:
    • Lack of self-esteem
    • Lower cognition
    • Lower levels of individuation
    • Lower levels of social consciousness
    • Lower levels of autonomy
    • External locus of control
    • Obnoxious attitude
    • Ill-tempered behavior
    • Parents not enforcing age-appropriate limits
  • These researchers offered an excellent review and summary of the existing research including Coopersmith, 1967, Baumrind, 1983 and 1991; Buri Louiselle, MIsukanis, and Mueller 1988).
  • Bredehoft, D.J. et al Perceptions Attributed by Adults to Parental Overindulgence During Children, 1998, (16)
insights symptoms17
Insights - Symptoms
  • Six outcomes of Overindulgence:
    • Entitlement, not feeling responsible for actions
    • Missing skills; social skills telling time
    • Not knowing what is enough – balance
    • Boundary difficulties – little consequences for breaking rules
    • Emotional pain – isolated and loneliness
    • Increase in affairs after married
  • Clark and Dawson (1998) on the issue of Cultural Myths and Overindulged Children – 730 people surveyed with 124 responding that they were overindulged as children.
insights symptoms18
Insights - Symptoms
  • Dr. Kindlon describes the Seven Deadly Syndromes associated with overindulgence:
    • Self-centeredness
    • Anger
    • Extreme ambition
    • Lack of motivation
    • Eating disorders
    • Impulsiveness
    • Spoiled behavior
  • Kindlon, Dan, Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age
insights symptoms19
Insights - Symptoms
  • Anger  Resentment  Hatred
  • Resentment = Cancer of Love
  • Indifference – “I don’t care.”
insights symptoms20
Insights - Symptoms
  • No one typology for overindulgent families.
  • Children raised with overindulgence:
    • Felt unlovable
    • Need constant affirmation
    • Lack skills
    • Lack self-sufficiency
    • Adolescent dysfunctional thinking
  • Bredehoft, D. J. et al Indulge Them Less, Enjoy Them More: Finding a Balance Between Giving More and Saying No to Your Children, Technical Appendix – Journal Articles
insights symptoms21
Insights - Symptoms
  • Parental permissiveness significantly predicted high psychological symptoms in 500 adolescents. Parental warmth reduced symptoms, but would later increase symptoms if parental warmth lead to increased permissiveness.
  • Koeske, G.F., Journal of Social Service – Research (1998)
insights becoming an overindulged adult
Insights – Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • These researchers studied adult-children of overindulgence (ACO) and found:
  • 27% indicated physical violence was in their childhood homes. Of the 27% with physical violence in the childhood homes:
    • 30% were spanked
    • 50% were hit with belts and objects
    • 20% were beaten
insights becoming an overindulged adult23
Insights – Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • 51% had addictions in their families. Of that 51%:
    • 66% drugs
    • 10% work
    • 9% food
    • 2% perfectionism
    • 2% co-dependency
    • 2% sex
  • Percentages of overindulgence continue into adolescence and adult-life
    • 39% report overindulgence through adolescence
    • 9% through adult-life
    • 9% through later life
    • 22% report being overindulged still today and throughout life
insights becoming an overindulged adult24
Insights – Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • The methods of overindulgence were:
    • 53% having things done for them
    • 53% no consistent chores
    • 41% being given clothes
    • 35% being allowed privileges
    • 35% being given toys
  • Reasons for overindulgence:
    • Poverty
    • Guilt
    • Chemical Dependency
    • Workaholic
insights becoming an overindulged adult25
Insights – Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • Mixed Concerns overindulged children when they become adults:
    • 48% felt love
    • 44% felt confused
    • 31% felt guilty
    • 71% could not gauge how much is enough food, spending, parent/childrearing, activities, feelings of what is normal, and conflict in boundaries and relationship
insights becoming an overindulged adult26
Insights – Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • Mixed Concerns overindulged children when they become adults: (cont’d)
    • They had poor skills as an adult in:
      • Communication and relationships
      • Mental and personal healthy skills
      • Decision-making
      • Money and time management
      • Ability to be responsible
      • Overindulgence of their own children
  • Bredehoft, D.J. et al Perceptions Attributed by Adults to Parental Overindulgence During Childhood, 1988, (16)
insights myths
Insights - Myths
  • Netherlands researcher who debunks the myth that only children are more indulged than others and flourish less results indicate:
    • Only children had equal life satisfaction to other children. They had slightly more life satisfaction.
    • Parental status had little influence on well-being.
    • Parents of only children are more likely to do work outside of the home. This offered somewhat greater satisfaction to only children.
    • No lower self-esteem. They had somewhat more self-esteem
    • Only children do not assign higher value to good grades, popularity, and looks.
    • They do have lower value of sports.
    • They do not see them having better status or reputation at school.
  • Veehoven, Ruut et al, The Well Being of the Only Child, Adolescence, 1989 (24) 155-166
insights myths28
Insights - Myths
  • Studied issues for the only child and found:
    • Only children had greater achievement and intelligence.
    • They had positive self esteem and sociability.
    • Parents and teacher continued to harbor the same old stereotypes about only children.
      • Teachers saw them as more attention-seeking, more mature, intelligent and less social skills as peers.
      • Parents saw them as less social, greater need for attention, shortage of playmates, greater maturity and higher lifestyles.
  • Rivera, M. et all, Spoiled or Spectacular? A Look at the Only Child Elementary and Childhood Education, 15 - ERIC
insights myths29
Insights - Myths
  • Most indulged children had 2 or more siblings. They were not only children.
  • Debunked the myth that Grandparents are the over-indulgers.
  • Parents were over-indulgers in 96% of the homes.
    • Both parents in 43% of homes
    • Mom alone in 42% of homes
    • Dad alone in 11% of homes
  • 21% overindulged in childhood
  • 38% overindulged in adolescence
  • 22% throughout life
  • 19% reported physical abuse
  • 70% reported psychological abuse
  • 14% reported sexual abuse
  • Very few had chores
  • They had poor social skills
insights misc research
Insights – Misc Research
  • The researchers define three categories of overindulgence:
    • Too Much Stuff: Materialism and activities
    • Over-nurturing: Too much assistance reducing self-reliance
    • Soft Structure: Lax rules, no chores, aimless
  • Bredeholt, David et al. “No Rules, Not Enforcing Rules, No Chores Plus Lots of Freedom = Overindulgence Too
insights misc research31
Insights – Misc Research
  • The researchers identified a typology to parenting with children younger than 5 years. Ethnicity, educational level and income were significant.
  • Type 1: 56% of parents did not believe it was possible to indulge a child for the first five years of it’s life. These parents were more likely to be Caucasian with higher education and incomes.
  • Type 2: 20% of parents did believe spoiling a child, younger than five years, was possible.
  • Type 3: 24% of parents believed young children could be spoiled, but should not be spoiled. These parents were more likely African-American parents with lower education and lower income.
  • Solomon, R et al. Spoiling an Infant Further Support for the Construct, Topics in Early Childhood Special Education, 1993, 13(2), 175-183
insights misc research32
Insights – Misc Research
  • This writer coined an interesting phrase and idea. She suggests that some children with Attention Deficit Disorder actually have Intention Deficit Disorder. These children have adjusted so completely to being catered to and entertained that they find school boring, fueling their attention problems.
  • Hage, Deborah, “The Makings of a Human Bomb Breaks in the Bond Coupled with Overindulgence”
insights misc research33
Insights – Misc Research
  • Inadequate parental monitoring of children’s behavior is a major contribution to noncompliance and aggression in children, as well as antisocial behaviors.
  • Barkley, Russell, Defiant Children
insights misc research34
Insights – Misc Research
  • Reports parental permissiveness as a more important factor for children using chemicals than peer pressure.
  • Wilmes, David, Johnson Institute
insights misc research35
Insights – Misc Research
  • Studied parenting styles, gender, types of household tasks.
    • Best predictor of young adult success was participating in household tasks by 3 and 4 years old.
    • If introduced to household tasks at 15 and 16 years, these subjects were less successful.
  • Rossman, Marty, Researcher/Associate Professor of Family Education
insights misc research36
Insights – Misc Research
  • High-risk factors leading to attachment difficulties included parents retaining unrealistic images of the child and overindulgent parenting.
  • Smith, Lawrence, Bonding and Attachment, Washington Parent Magazine
9 types of overindulgent parents
9 Types of Overindulgent Parents
  • The “Giving Parent”
  • The “Reminder” Parent
  • The “Blinders” Parent
  • The “Glorifying” Parent
  • The “Permissive” Parent
  • The “Favoritism” Parent
  • The “Blaming” Parent
  • The “Overly-Responsible” Parent
  • The “Ultimately Responsible” Parent
qualities of a good parent
Qualities of a Good Parent
  • Many of the qualities of the overindulgent parent are good qualities.
  • The problem is that the overindulgent parent focuses on one quality instead of working on multiple qualities.
  • “Too much of a good thing can be bad.”
the giving parent
The “Giving Parent”
  • Compulsively gives-in to every whim of their child.
  • The giving parent is a “giver”, which is a wonderful quality. This quality becomes distorted when parents only give and never become a multidimensional parent.
stinkin thinkin behind giving parent
“Stinkin’ Thinkin’ behind “Giving Parent”
  • Repairing childhood issues with vicarious
    • “I will give my child what I didn’t have.”
    • Parenting self not child
    • Reacting to an abusive childhood
  • Overcompensation for feelings of inadequacy.
  • Excessive guilt proneness
the reminder parent
The “Reminder” Parent
  • Harboring fears of confrontation.
  • Reminder parents have the beautiful quality of “encouragement” constantly reminding and encouraging children to behave. But “reminder” parents offer too many warnings and never discipline their children.
stinkin thinkin behind reminder parent
“Stinkin’ Thinkin’ behind “Reminder Parent”
  • Fear of rejection.
    • You cannot be their buddy til they are adults.
      • Children need discipline.
      • Parents are legally responsible.
  • Fear of confrontation and a lack of assertiveness.
  • Intense cognitive distortion of all or none thinking.
    • If my child needs discipline then I am a bad parent.
  • Laissez-Faire Parenting Style
the blinders parent
The “Blinders” Parent
  • Filled with the cognitive distortion of All-or-None thinking.
  • “Blinders” parents have the incredible quality of accurately recognizing the “good” in their children. They appropriately praise their children. This admirable quality becomes distorted because they ignore the flaws their children need to correct.
  • In reality the “Blinders” parent is actively rejecting child, they are editing out the bad parts.
stinkin thinkin behind blinders parent
“Stinkin’ Thinkin’ behind “Blinders Parent”
  • All-or-none thinking
    • If I ignore the problem they don’t exist
  • Labeling
    • Blame someone else – projection of blame
    • Labeling with projection of blame
    • Always someone else's fault
    • Shopping for label (e.g. ADHD, ADD, etc.)
  • Narcissistic reactions
    • MY child…
stinkin thinkin behind blinders parent45
“Stinkin’ Thinkin’ behind “Blinders Parent”
  • Severe competitive needs
    • One upmanship by comparing
  • Symbiotic self-esteem
    • If my child has problems, I have problems as well.
  • Psychological rigidity
    • “I don’t like change.” Easier to edit it out.
the glorifying parent
The “Glorifying” Parent
  • Transferred narcissism with the cognitive distortion of exaggeration
  • Glorifying parents have the wonderful quality of complimenting their children. “Glorifying” parents are similar to “Blinders” parents, as they ignore their children’s flaws.
  • “Glorifying” and “Blinders” parents have one basic difference. “Blinders” parents have an accurate understanding of their children’s talents.
the glorifying parent47
The “Glorifying” Parent
  • “Glorifying” parents exaggerate their children’s positive characteristics. They see incredible qualities their children do not really have.
  • Since “Glorifying” parents exaggerate their children’s positive qualities and ignore their flaws, they completely reject their child.
stinkin thinkin behind glorifying parent
“Stinkin’ Thinkin’ behind “Glorifying Parent”
  • Symbiotic Overcompensation
    • Some parents have a mundane life with a strong desire to glorify a part of their life. Children are handy targets for their glorification.
    • Vicarious life lived through children.
  • Triangulation
    • One parent glorifies the children and the other has a more realistic perception of their children. The glorifying parent seems to the children to be the better parent. The realistic parent is viewed as too restrictive and critical.
  • Minimizing
    • Make uncomfortable and flaws less than they really are.
the permissive parent
The “Permissive” Parent
  • The “permissive” parent has the incredible quality of trust. They distort their trust by giving their children too much freedom, too soon, and too young. Their children are allowed to get into activities for which they are not mentally prepared.
stinkin thinkin behind permissive parent
“Stinkin’ Thinkin’ behind “Permissive Parent”
  • Parenting Role Confusion – “The buddy problem”
  • Fear of Appropriate Confrontation
    • Afraid that confrontation will jeopardize the relationship.
the favoritism parent
The “Favoritism” Parent
  • Symbiotic preference of one child
  • “Favoritism” parents have the excellent qualities of “preference and discrimination.” They distort these qualities by preferring one of their children to the neglect of the others. The non-favored children become angry, usually with the favored child.
  • Tendency to overindulge one and neglect the other children.
stinkin thinkin behind giving parent52
“Stinkin’ Thinkin’ behind “Giving Parent”
  • Over-identification
    • Ex: a shy parent may prefer a shy child or, a shy parent may prefer a socially gregarious child.
  • Symbiotic Vulnerability
    • The child with an actual vulnerability may gain most favored status.
  • Emotional Neediness
  • Replaying Childhood Issues
the blaming parent
The “Blaming” Parent
  • Scapegoating Innocent Others
  • All-or-None Thinking
  • “Blaming parents have the important quality of protecting their children. They believe they are protecting their children’s self-esteem by always blaming others for their children’s misbehavior.
  • Ex: If a teacher has a conflict with a child, the “blaming parent immediately sides with the child and blames the teacher.
stinkin thinkin behind blaming parent
“Stinkin’ Thinkin’ behind “Blaming Parent”
  • Rigidity against change with avoidance of personal responsibility.
  • Narcissism coupled with all-or-none thinking.
  • Someone else’s fault – not mine!
the overly responsible parent
The “Overly-Responsible” Parent
  • Tendency to be Shame and Guilt filled and self-blaming.
  • Like “blaming” parents, “overly-responsible parents also offer the quality of protection. “Overly-responsible” parents do not blame others for their children’s misbehavior. Instead, they blame themselves.
stinkin thinkin behind overly responsible parent
“Stinkin’ Thinkin’ behind “Overly-Responsible Parent”
  • They tend to have been the scapegoats in their families of origin.
    • Transference from scapegoat in family of origin to current family.
  • Psychological Rigidity
    • Resistant to change. It is easier to say, “It is my fault” than to make the necessary changes.
  • False sense of empowerment
    • Some “overly-responsible” parents believe, “If I take responsibility, I am helping my child.” They witness that their child feels relief when parents take the blame.
  • Overindulge to compensate for abuse.
the ultimately responsible parent
The “Ultimately Responsible” Parent
  • Explosive Personality with Delayed Guilt Reactions
  • “Ultimately responsible” parents explode with anger at their children. They rage at their children and then, take it all back by blaming themselves. This creates confused children who become tense when discussing any family issues that might ignite emotions.
stinkin thinkin behind ultimately responsible parent
“Stinkin’ Thinkin’ behind “Ultimately Responsible Parent”
  • Extreme passivity with simmering rage
  • Legitimate, but unmanaged anger
the generalized stinkin thinkin of overindulgent parents
The Generalized Stinkin’ Thinkin’ of Overindulgent Parents
  • The overindulgent concept lends itself well to the Cognitive-Behavioral Theory. Many overindulgent parents share various combinations of the following cognitive distortions. This section is designed to help counselors/therapists diagnose the cognitive distortions of overindulgent parents.
overindulgent belief 1
Overindulgent Belief #1
  • The All-or-None Thinking of Constant Happiness
  • Over indulgent parents believe that to create self-esteem within their children, their children need to be constantly happy. So, they maintain the two following cognitive distortions:
    • They believe their children should be constantly happy
    • They believe their children should never experience uncomfortable emotions, including uncomfortable emotions that naturally come with life.
  • Movie: Jingle All the Way
overindulgent belief 2
Overindulgent Belief #2
  • Overindulgent parents believe that unconditional love means children should receive whatever they want and do whatever they want. They offer children free reigns with no boundary development. They create children that will ask for anything.
  • Parents who embrace this overindulgent belief, have two concerns:
    • They have difficult saying “No” to their children. They see themselves as good parents by how many times they say “Yes” to children. They believe that being a good parent includes buying, giving, leniency, entertaining, and having low expectations of their children.
    • Parents, who define unconditional love as “giving” luxuries and freedoms, have difficulty distinguishing between their children’s wants (desire for luxuries) and their needs (legitimate desire to love, affection, honesty, etc.)
overindulgent belief 3
Overindulgent Belief #3
  • Shielded From Consequences
  • Overindulgent parents shield their children from the consequences of their children’s actions, as well as the complications of life.
  • Parents, who embrace this overindulgent belief, have two areas of concern:
    • Overindulgent parents do not understand the concept of “harm’s way” By removing child from “harm’s way” they move them into “harm’s way.”
    • Overindulgent parents believe their children should never experience any painful emotions. They believe that consequences produce painful emotions in children. So, they buffer their children from natural and normal consequences to keep their children happy.
overindulgent belief 4
Overindulgent Belief #4
  • Sting-Free Discipline
  • Overindulgent parents either offer no discipline or start to discipline their children, but they take the “emotional” sting out of their discipline. The “emotional” sting promotes the learning experience.
  • Why does discipline need to have an emotional sting? What is the emotional sting?
  • Emotional stings change behavior and cognitions.
overindulgent belief 5
Overindulgent Belief #5
  • Highest Priority Leading to Decision-Making
  • Overindulgent parents believe their children are the highest priority in their families.
  • Child-centered vs Marriage Centered Families
  • This leads parents to give their children the decision-making power of their families.
overindulgent belief 6
Overindulgent Belief #6
  • Wishy-Washy Decisions
  • Overindulgent parents have difficulty making firm decisions. They are filled with ambivalence and confusion.
  • All decisions become negotiable, creating “little attorneys.”
  • Children don’t have cognitive ability to negotiate.
  • If parents negotiate with child, as a teen they have learned to wear down parents.
overindulgent belief 7
Overindulgent Belief #7
  • Too Trusting
  • Editing Reality
  • Some parents are too trusting, because they want to believe that they are good parents. To confirm this belief they decide, “My children are right and everyone else is wrong.” This is a complicated distortion that requires the cognitive distortion if editing reality.
  • These parents edit information from reliable sources (teachers, friends, counselors) that are inconsistent with their glorified beliefs of their children.
overindulgent belief 8
Overindulgent Belief #8
  • I Will Correct My Parents’ Mistakes
  • Overindulgent parents believe their parents raised them improperly. It is the longing of these parents to correct their parents’ mistakes by becoming perfect parents.
  • An example of abuse.
overindulgent belief 9
Overindulgent Belief #9
  • “Who Am I and Where Am I” Identity Issues
  • Identity Constriction
    • Some parents limit their identities to their careers, which are demanding and lessen the time needed to be active in other parts of their lives.
  • Vicarious Identity
    • Other overindulgent parents define their identities only by their children’s current level of happiness, which they vicariously enjoy.
    • Identity of parent is dependent on child’s happiness.
10 qualities of a mentoring parent
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • This section offers the goals of cognitively restructuring parents from their cognitive distortions of over-indulgence into mentoring parents. We need to help overindulgent parents develop the mindset of the mentoring parents. The list to follow is the framework reflecting the ten qualities of mentoring parents.
10 qualities of a mentoring parent70
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality One: “Increase Time Spent with Children, to Mentor More Thoroughly
    • Quality one fights the cognitive distortion of quality versus quantity. Being a mentoring parent requires quality time and a good quantity of time.
  • Quality Two: Mentoring Parents Promote Truth and Reality, which is the cure for cognitive distortions.
    • Quality two fights cognitive distortions. If families are managing the truth, they are less likely to promote cognitive distortions.
    • Content Messages Versus Hidden Messages
10 qualities of a mentoring parent71
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • What does the research say about children managin the truth of traumatic family issues?
  • 1991 Breen C.T. et al “Journal of American Academy of child and Adolescent Psychiatry”
    • Younger children do not develop as many behavioral problems, aggression and fears
    • Younger children may be protected by their inability to fully understand the traumatic scenes they witnessed
    • Teenagers are more affected by their parents’ reaction that are primary school age siblings. They share a more adult perspective of trauma and have a reaction that are more adult.
10 qualities of a mentoring parent72
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Three: Promote Unique Talents and Skills
    • Mentoring parents want their children to acquire their unique talents.
    • Quality three reduces the transfer of parent issues into children issues.
  • Quality Four: Unconditional Love
    • Mentoring parents strive to offer children unconditional love. Mentoring parents do not define unconditional love as children getting and doing whatever they want. They understand that unconditional love allows children to experience firm consequences for their misbehavior. Mentoring parents realize that consequences help children create self-guidance.
    • Quality four relieves parents from the cognitive distortion that unconditional love equals permissiveness.
    • “Dennis Rodman Syndrome”
10 qualities of a mentoring parent73
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Five: Normal Emotions are Healthy Emotions
    • Mentoring parents realize that children need the freedom to feel all emotions, even painful emotions that are a natural part of life. Normal emotions are healthy emotions and, with good cognition, have messages. These messages contribute to children’s self-guidance, self-reliance and conscience development.
    • Quality five reduces children being left with their own devices to understand the intense emotions that come with the difficult parts of life.
4 common emotions their purpose
4 Common Emotions & Their Purpose
  • Anguish: connected to memory and love – loss
    • The Task: to work that memory
  • Pining: I want it back the way it was, not accepting the person as they are i.e. a child asking a relative or other to be like lost/dead Mo – Replacement – Can’t get the lost back
    • The Task: Make adjustments based on truth
4 common emotions their purpose75
4 Common Emotions & Their Purpose
  • Anger: signal that there is more primary emotions to deal with
    • The Task: Deal with primary emotion, they feel empowered not angry
  • Betrayal:
    • The Task: Purpose of betrayal is to figure out who is trustable and who is not.
10 qualities of a mentoring parent76
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Six: “Wants” versus “Needs”
    • Mentoring parents know the difference between “wants” and “needs.”
    • Wants – Luxuries
    • Needs – Preserve life and promote relationships
  • Quality Seven: The Past, the Present, and the Potential Future
    • The past does not control mentoring parents with cognitive distortions. They recognize and understand the past. They also understand where they are today, how their past influences their present life, and their direction into their future.
    • Quality seven promotes identity development. Without identity development, parents have no reference to guide their children.
      • Transference of anger from parents own parents
      • Cognitive distortion of fairness
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10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Eight: Realistic Understanding of Strengths and Limits
    • Mentoring parents realize that having strengths and limits is a normal human condition. They have a realistic appraisal of their own personal strengths and limits. They give their children a realistic and hopeful appraisal of their strengths and limits.
    • Quality eight cleans up cognitive distortions with appraisal of skills that are based on reality.
    • For example, mentoring parents do not apply distorted labels to their children, such as gifted. They realize this is a set-up.
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10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Nine: Respect for All
    • Mentoring parents promotes respect for all groups.
    • Quality nine eliminates self-centeredness and prejudicial beliefs against groups of people.
      • They encourage children to respect all groups.
      • Mentoring parents are opinionated.
      • Their opinions reflect their identity.
      • Mentoring parents passionately discuss, debate and disagree with hot controversial topics, but also offer respect.
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10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Ten: Values
    • Mentoring parents have well-defined values and practice their values daily.
    • Values eliminate inconsistencies within parents at all levels.
parent s counselor s roles regarding values
Parent’s/Counselor’s Roles Regarding Values
  • Basic Values (Essential)
    • Help develop conscience
    • Stabilize relationships
    • Keeps people out of prison
  • Selective Values (Nonessential)
    • Based on your own identity, beliefs, family, etc
  • Parents’ & Counselors’ Roles in Values
    • Parents have the right to enforce basic values
    • Counselor has a right to discuss basic values.
    • Parents influence selective values
    • Counselor has no role in counselees selective values
general strategies for overindulgent parents
General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Do not soothe children’s painful emotions with toys and luxuries.
  • Counter children’s manipulation with indignation to reduce parental guilt reactions.
  • Parenting is not a popularity contest – You are not a buddy! Buddies do not discipline buddies.
  • “No” means “No” Not No  Maybe  Yes
  • Let the emotional sting of discipline happen – the emotional sting has a lesson. The reality of life.
  • Keep your better judgment “I know I shouldn’t have..” Stop the unhealthy sway of emotions.
  • Talk about controversial issues, first with your friend and then your children.
  • Never criticize your children’s opinion. (Basic vs Selective Values)
  • More than discipline, guide children to make amends.
  • Help children manage difficult emotional times.
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General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Get a children's dictionary and look up all of the words of emotions. This gives parents better dialogue with their children.
  • Attach good thinking to children’s emotions.
  • Use emotional words in everyday language.
  • Overindulgence is an impulsive act. So, slowly contemplate how to respond to children’s misbehavior, guilt trips, etc.
  • One television per household – creates better family gathering.
  • No television or internet in children’s bedroom – Put them in the community part of the house.
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General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Family hobbies. Plan structured activities.
  • Gain more time with children.
  • Eliminate debt – It competes with children.
  • Don’t keep secrets – secrets create distrust.
  • One warning, then discipline
  • Rituals of investment – they teach children how to invest in family and school
  • Stop children when they interrupt adults
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General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Make children pay money for discipline
  • Advise parents that overindulgence creates “avoidance attachments”
  • Luxuries for birthdays, holidays, graduations only!
  • Watch the attorney talk
  • Do a “round up” when children monster-build their teachers
  • Forewarn children about labels
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General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Self-appraisal
  • “Just the facts” – Teach parents that if the exaggerated about their children, they are not accepting their children.
  • Make them work!
  • Need the truth – 100 questions
  • Teach parents that overindulgence disrupt emotional bounding with children
  • Stuff gets in the way of relationships
  • Create a secure base – a safe atmosphere for emotional expression
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General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Reflect on times when you have entered itno overindulgent states with your children.
  • Are there particular interaction with your children that bring you to overindulge them?
  • Advise parents that setting limits and saying “No” creates balance within children.
  • Tell parents that if they lose it, apologize. But, do not give children luxuries and freedoms to compensate for their meltdown.
  • Promote values that offer interdependency – spiritually, volunteerism, altruism, and education
  • Warn parents that when they change, their children’s behavior will get worse before it gets better.
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General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Tell parents to make their children’s problem their children’s problem. “School – Whose problem is it?”
  • Overindulge children are too comfortable. They need to become uncomfortable before they will change. Advise parents to strip their children’s bedrooms. Remove the cocoon.
  • Let children feel the discomfort of life’s struggles. Mentoring them to become wise about life’s struggles.
  • When their children press parents and they are not sure what to say, tell parents to say, “That’s a thought!” While their children are looking perplexed, parents can begin thinking of how children can earn what they want.
  • Remind parents that mentoring parent is not trying to restrict children. They want their children to get everything they want in life. But they need to learn how to earn it.
  • Compounding. Make it worse – compound the problem.
counseling model
Counseling Model
  • Presuppositional Cognitive-Behavioral Counseling Model
  • 4 Components
    • Presuppositions
    • Cognitive Distortions
    • Secondary Gains
    • The Belief of an Illogical Outcome
  • Cloud, Henry (2001) “Boundaries with Kids”
  • Glenn, H. Stephen et all (2000) “Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World: Seven Building Blocks for Developing Capable Young People”
  • Heegaard, Marge (2001) “Drawing Together to Develop Self-Control”
  • Kindlon, Don (2001) “Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age”
  • Mogel, Wendy (2001) “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children”
  • Peine, Doug (2002) “Its Not That Complicated: The Twelve Rules for Raising Happy, Self-Reliant Children”
  • Weiner, Daniel (1972) “Training Children in Self-Discipline and Self-Control: Or How to be Good Parents and Teachers Without at all Times Pleasing, Indulging, or Giving Love”