Gossip and Positive Problem Solving

1. Gossip and Positive Problem Solving Rex Deckard, Pastor Calvary Apostolic Church

2. “Gossip may be defined asany form of harmful or hurtfulcommunication that’s notabsolutely necessary to share,”Bob Burg, co-author ofGossip: Ten Pathways ToEliminate It From Your Life AndTransform Your Soul.

3. The Bible Says in I Timothy 5:13 13And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.

4. Jesus put it this way… • Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit.34O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.

5. 35A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things.36But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.37For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

6. In another version it says…. 33 A good tree produces only good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. You can tell what a tree is like by the fruit it produces.34 You are a bunch of evil snakes, so how can you say anything good? Your words show what is in your hearts.35 Good people bring good things out of their hearts, but evil people bring evil things out of their hearts.36 I promise you that on the day of judgment, everyone will have to account for every careless word they have spoken.37 On that day they will be told that they are either innocent or guilty because of the things they have said. The Contemporary English

7. Luke 6:45 says • Good people do good things because of the good in their hearts. Bad people do bad things because of the evil in their hearts. Your words show what is in your heart. The Contemporary English Bible

8. Leviticus 19:14 Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD. 15Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honour the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour. 16Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour: I am the LORD. 17Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him. 18Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.

9. I am the Lord your God, and I command you not to make fun of the deaf or to cause a blind person to stumble.15 Be fair, no matter who is on trial—don’t favor either the poor or the rich.16 Don’t be a gossip, but never hesitate to speak up in court, especially if your testimony can save someone’s life. 17 Don’t hold grudges. On the other hand, it’s wrong not to correct someone who needs correcting. 18 Stop being angry and don’t try to take revenge. I am the Lord, and I command you to love others as much as you love yourself.Leviticus 19:14 The Contemporary English Bible

10. LORD, who shall abide in thy tabernacle? who shall dwell in thy holy hill? 2He that walketh uprightly, and worketh righteousness, and speaketh the truth in his heart. 3He that backbiteth not with his tongue, nor doeth evil to his neighbour, nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour.Psalms 15:1-3

11. 19Thou givest thy mouth to evil, and thy tongue frameth deceit. 20Thou sittest and speakest against thy brother; thou slanderest thine own mother’s son. 21These things hast thou done, and I kept silence; thou thoughtest that I was altogether such an one as thyself: but I will reprove thee, and set them in order before thine eyes. 22Now consider this, ye that forget God, lest I tear you in pieces, and there be none to deliver. 23Whoso offereth praise glorifieth me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright will I shew the salvation of God.Psalms 50:11

12. In another version it says, 20 you sat around gossiping, ruining the reputation of your own relatives.” 21 When you did all of this, I didn’t say a word, and you thought, “God is just like us!” But now I will accuse you. 22 You have ignored me! So pay close attention or I will tear you apart, and no one can help you. Psalms 50:11 The Contemporary English

13. 2 It’s stupid to say bad thingsabout your neighbors. If you are sensible, you will keep quiet.13 A gossip tells everything,but a true friend will keep a secret. Proverbs 11:10The Contemporary English

14. There are many reasons whypeople gossip. “Sometimes people don’t feel good about themselves and have low self esteem.”

15. People’s lives get boring and they end up looking for a source of excitement.

16. It also allows some people to feel like they’re a partof the group—there’s nothing that will bring two people together faster than bad mouthing a mutual acquaintance.

17. “Gossip can cause personal resentment that shouldn’t be involved in your groupand can eventually break down the organization,”Jen Miller, of the University of Tampa

18. Gossip can… • Destroy relationships • Undermine the credibility of the gossiper and the victim • Create deep wounds • Produce feelings of guilt and shame • Destroy reputations • Place others in awkward circumstances

19. 27An ungodly man diggeth up evil: and in his lips there is as a burning fire. 28A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends. Prov. 16:28 King James Version28 Gossip is no good!It causes hard feelings and comes between friends. Proverbs 16:28 Contemporary English

20. What about Mildred?

21. The Feather Pillow

22. In addition, gossip can completely undermine an organization’s purpose. “I’ve seen gossip among a group’s student leaders destroy morale, hurt the group’s public image, and make it next to impossible for the group to be taken seriously on campus...” Steven Roberts, at Kent State University

23. When you hear something that sounds like gossip, ask yourself a couple of questions…. • Why are they telling ME this? (Motive) • Why are they telling me this NOW? (Timing) • What does this person REALLY want?

24. Also consider…. • What kind of outcome is this person hoping to have by sharing this information? (Influence) • WHO is telling me this? (Credibility) • What will be done with my RESPONSE to this person? (Outcome)

25. My Response • Silence- will it be perceived as ignoring or agreeing? • A challenge- will I be the next victim? • Agreement- I am now a perpetrator too • Problem solving- If they don’t really want to fix their problem, this will shut them down. • Reverse Talk- This can be a very effective solution in some cases……..

26. How can gossip be stopped? “What if everyone who gossiped decided to do the opposite and do ‘reverse gossip?’” In other words, you talk good about people—‘Now, isn’t Dave a hard worker or isn’t Mary a great person?’ People are bound to talk about the people in their lives, and choosing to spread kind words around instead of gossip and rumors creates a healthier environment where everyone is better off.

27. What if that doesn’t work? Sometimes, the best response to gossip is no response. “Refuse to listen to gossip, slander, and other negative forms of speech. If you’re on a diet, don’t bring the cake and cookies into your home. If you’re ending gossip, try and keep away from conversations that may tempt you to listen or chime in.”

28. What to do if you have a problem with someone…… Choose your battles- does it really matter? Ask yourself- what is the outcome to this that I really want? If you don’t know, then leave it alone Make sure your motive is always right.

29. Then…………. • Pray, and ask God for the best approach • Pick the right time and place to talk • Be specific about the problem at hand, and listen to the other side of the story. • NEVER jump to conclusions or make assumptions until you have all the facts. And even then be cautious. • Remember AIM, not BLAME. What is the outcome that will please God?

30. Pitfalls to avoid • Don’t compromise principles of morality just to come to an agreement. • In some cases you have to agree to disagree. • Don’t have a “Win-Lose” attitude. If anyone loses, everyone loses. • Don’t get lost in general terms- “you always…you never….everybody” Be specific with the problem at hand. Who, when, where, what. • If the person is in authority (policeman, IRS, pastor, parent/child, judge, teacher….) it is likely possible that they will have the last word. But usually they are open to listen to concerns if they are presented appropriately.