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Why do releationships get worse after babies?

Why do releationships get worse after babies?. Duncan Fisher June 2013. The stats. Babies do not help many relationships!. 3 0% of parents say relationship gets worse 10%+ mothers suffer postnatal depression Children complain about stressed mothers and distant fathers

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Why do releationships get worse after babies?

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  1. Why do releationships get worse after babies? Duncan Fisher June 2013

  2. The stats Babies do not help many relationships! • 30% of parents say relationship gets worse • 10%+ mothers suffer postnatal depression • Children complain about stressed mothers and distant fathers • One third of children see parents split

  3. Role divergence: an explanation? Is lack of sleep and uncertainty all there is to it? • The greater the roles of mothers and fathers diverge after a baby is born, the unhappier they tend to be. • The bigger the difference between parents’ aspirations to share and the reality of their sharing, the unhappier they tend to be. (Cowan & Cowan, USA)

  4. Frustrated aspirations The Cowans have shown this harms relationships • Should mum be in charge of caring? • 34% of mothers said yes • 23% of fathers said yes • Is mum in charge of caring? • 86% of mothers said yes • 69% of fathers said yes

  5. 60% of mothers and fathers want fathers to spend more time with their young children50% say arrangements not of their choice50% of fathers think they work too much Trouble ahead

  6. What forces parents apart? The legacy of the industrial revolution • Unequal work expectations – not unequal pay so much any more • Beliefs about motherhood • Natural • Innate skills, e.g. multi-tasking • No choice • Primary • High expectations • Beliefs about fatherhood • Not natural – clumsiness, funny, “impressive” • Hunter gatherer • Fathers have choice and don’t engage through choice • Low expectations

  7. Mother feels un-supportedUnresolved disagree-ments about parenting and a perceived difference in authorityLow father involve-mentFather remains unskilled and unconfident Many relationship stresses observed in new parents relate to role divergence

  8. Role divergence conflicts with human nature • Human families share – that made us successful • Mothers have worked for 200,000 years • Dads are genetically programmed to care • Children develop multiple attachments from day one • Babies programmed to elicit care from multiple carers – origin of human empathy?

  9. If human history were 24 hours long, the model of mum at home alone with the children and dad at work was invented 2 minutes ago.

  10. Sharing makes us happy • Feels fairer • Parents who share are nicer to each other • Parents who share have more sex • Parents who share are less stressed • Children have more social capital and see wider opportunities for themselves • Family spreads financial risk • Both parents close to children

  11. Supporting parenting Help with parenting and help for relationships is the same thing • Must engage BOTH parents • Must work on PARENTAL ALLIANCE • Parenting is a team activity: work with the team • Engage with issue of different parenting styles – e.g. response to distress, holding baby, managing risk, encouraging achievement • Cowans/Feinberg: this works better than traditional parenting support

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