Tips on Resolving Conflicts

1. Tips on Resolving Conflicts CRS for Students

2. How to approach a conflict? • Relax-stop arguing, name calling, criticizing, threatening, etc-The other person might not hear or might not want to hear what you have to say because of the way you are behaving • Focus on the problem not the person – Avoid accusing the other person’s character. E.g. “you are a liar”, “you are selfish”, “You are always late,” etc

3. Steps to Resolving Conflicts • Make a date • Describe your problem and Needs • Partner checks back • Solicit Partner’s Needs • Check your understanding of Partner’s needs • Negotiate a Solution

4. Make a date • Set up a time to talk about the problem. E.g. “Something’s been bothering me. Can we talk about it?” • If the answer is “Yes”, you are ready to go further. If it isn’t the right time than find a time when both of you can meet to talk about the problems.

5. Describe Your Problem and Needs • Be as specific as you can. What behaviors or a series of the same behavior of this other person bothered you. • Use I statement to state your frustrations instead of accusing the other person. • E.g. “I was upset that my ideas were ignored” instead of “You think you the only one with brains.” • E.g. “I was a little upset that you didn’t help out with the event the other day instead of “You are such a slacker”

6. Partner Checks back • After you’ve shared your problem and described what you need, it’s important to make sure that your partner has understood what you just said. • Try role reversal if you want. E.g. Put yourself into my shoes and tell me how you would feel in that situation. Be careful when you do this as you don’t want to attack the other person.

7. Solicit Partner’s Needs • After you have shared your side of the problem, find out what your partner needs. E.g. “Now I’ve told you what I want and why. Tell me what you need to feel okay about this.” • Two reasons why you want to know your partners needs • To be fair. The other person has just as much right as you do to feel satisfied. If you expect help in meeting your needs, then it’s reasonable that you behave in the same way and listen to what the other person has to say. • To make your partner feel valued: a happy partner is more likely to cooperate in letting you reach your goals than an unhappy partner.

8. Check your understanding of partner’s needs • Paraphrase and understand your Partner’s needs until you’re certain you understand them. • E.g. I hear that you feel singled out in the organization so that’s why you don’t feel like participating in events. Is that correct? Ask questions if necessary to find out what the real issue is that seems to be causing the person to behave in a certain way.

9. Negotiate a Solution • When your and your partner’s needs are understood, find a way to meet them. • Brainstorm as many solutions as possible. Remember there is nothing as a bad idea • Follow these steps below to find mutually satisfying solution. • Identify and Define the Conflict-as discussed earlier • Generate a list of possible solutions-the key word here is quantity with nothing such as a bad solution/idea. • Evaluate the alternative solutions-talk about which solutions will work and which won’t for both parties. Be honest about this part if you want a win/win problem solving. • Decide on the best solution-pick one that looks best to you and your partner or everyone involved in the conflict.

10. Follow up • After you’ve tested the solution for a while, it’s a good idea to set aside some time to talk about how things are going. • Make changes if needed, or even rethink the whole problem. The idea here is to keep on top of the problem-keep using creativity to solve the problem.

11. About CRS for Students The Conflict Resolution Services provides mediation services, conflict coaching, and other related resources and referrals to SCSU students for free.  Students can request mediation when they have conflict(s) with a roommate, a group member, a co-worker or a fellow student in an organization. Our mediation process is highly confidential and is conducted by a list of officially trained mediators recognized by the state of Minnesota. Phone: (320)308-3009 E-mail: crs@stcloudstate.edu

12. Source • Understanding human communication- 10th edition.