Good Parenting-Getting the Balance Right

1. Good Parenting-Getting the Balance Right

2. The conflicts of parenting • Neglect v Love v Indulgence • Self gratification v Enjoyment v Endurance • Dismissing v Listening v Pandering • Blocking v Communication v Burdening • Ignorance v Understanding v Over-analysing • At risk v Protection v Smothering • Out of control v Discipline v Controlled • Dependence v Independence v Detached • Vulnerable v Resilient v Inhibited • Exclusion v Involvement v Burdening • Self absorbed v Balanced v Unhealthy

3. Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life. (Muriel Spark)

5. Loving Children • Loving children comes naturally • Value our child for who he/she is: • Avoid conformity and comparisons: • Allow our child to express who he/she is:. • Look for and see the best in all our child does:

6. Teaches us to love Puts life in perspective Great fun Gives us a sense of pride and achievement Investment in/commitment to the Society in which we live Saying nice things Creating special times Involving our child, involving ourselves Playing Eating together Giving our child space and choice Making our child a priority Teaching beliefs Joys : The laugh that children are born with lasts just as long as they have perfect faith (J.M. Barrie)

7. Builds Self confidence Helps keep children safe Helps express feelings Builds respect Indicates value Active listening, attentiveness, understanding , respect Asking questions Seeing through negative statements Owning our own feelings Telling the truth Listening and communication. Oh what a tangled web do parents weave/ when they think that their children are naïve. (Ogden Nash)

8. Reasonable Expectations Reduces Conflict, stress Gives space to grow and develop Thinking and language Emotion and personality Unique personality Understanding: A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five(Groucho Marx)

11. Abuse damages children Interferes with development Impinges on childhood Trust our instincts: Children will express unhappiness and distress in different ways: Sadness and troublesome behaviour tell us that something is not right: Protection

13. Right and Wrong Control behaviour Respect others Give and take Right moral and ethical decisions Modelling good behaviour Talking about decisions Influencing Support and guidance Discipline

14. Armour against emotional challenge, hurt Handling conflict Resisting stress, despondency Watching what we say Positive role model Challenging inaccurate beliefs Spontaneous and affectionate Positive accurate feedback Safe, nurturing environment Independence and resilience: Its no wonder that people were so horrible when they started life as children (Kingsley Amis)

15. Rights, views, beliefs, feelings Avoids just protection or control Encourages active rather than passive parenting Balance Relevant and voluntary Child friendly environment Keep participation safe Democracy and non-discrimination Follow-up and feedback Participation: The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults (Peter De Viers )

16. Unhealthy parenting belief systems Physical, psychological emotional problems Our child’s physical, psychological , emotional problems Breakdown in the relationship Challenges: There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you (Peter De Vries)

17. Detachment or Over-attachment: Fear of Failure: Negative views of a child: Inability to Cope: Feelings of Guilt: Why we decided to become a parent: Our feelings about being a parent: What we expect from ourselves as parents: Lack of Confidence: Our belief systems about our child: Our Experiences of being children: Our Experiences of being parents Societal beliefs about children Lack of knowledge and skills: Lack of Supports Self-Awareness: Unhealthy parenting belief systems

18. Physical, psychological, emotional problems • Self-Awareness: • Self-Esteem: • Developing Emotional Intelligence: • Changing Thinking: • Changing Behaviour: • Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to psychological and emotional problems • I should just “Pull myself together?. • How will I live with the shame? • It is a result of my family background so what can I do about it:

19. Our child’s physical, psychological ,emotional problems • Self-Awareness: • Self-Esteem: • Developing Emotional Intelligence: • Changing Thinking: • Changing Behaviour: • Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to psychological and emotional problems • They should just “Pull themselves together?. • How will I live with the shame? • It is a result of their background so what can I do about it:

20. Breakdown in the relationship • Respect: • Good Communication: • Strong problem-solving skills: • Ability to deal with feelings: • Positive Discipline: • Family Introspection and Awareness:

21. Putting life in perspective • Work / Home balance • Quality time versus quantity time • Balancing the needs of different people • Looking after ourselves • Valuing the simple things

22. Irish Research State of the nations children 2006 • 77.6% of children aged 10-17 report that they find it easy to talk with their mothers when something is really bothering them. The international average is 82.7%, Ireland ranks 27th among 35 WHO countries. • 56.2% of children aged 10-17 report that they find it easy to talk with their fathers when something is really bothering them. The international average is 64.2%, Ireland ranks 24th among 35 WHO countries. • 61.6% of children aged 15 report that their parents spend time just talking with them several times a week. The international average is 59.6%, Ireland ranks 11th among 27 OECD countries. • 47.9% of children aged 15 report that their parents discuss with them how well they are doing at school several times a week. The international average is 52.3%, Ireland ranks 14th among 27 OECD countries. • 77.1% of children aged 15 report that their parents eat dinner with them around a table several times a week. The international average is 78.9%, Ireland is ranked 16th among 27 OECD countries.

23. Barnardos Research 2007 • Six out of ten parents believe they don’t spend enough time with children • 36% of parents both working are satisfied with time spent with children, 52 % where one parent not working are satisfied • 72% parents believe work patterns are interfering with parenting • 8 of 10 parents think children are less safe

24. Child abuse research The SAVI report found that • One in five women (20 per cent) reported experiencing contact sexual abuse in childhood with a further one in ten (10 per cent) reporting non-contact sexual abuse. In over a quarter of cases of contact abuse (i.e. 5.6 per cent of all girls), the abuse involved penetrative sex. • One in six men (16 per cent) reported experiencing contact sexual abuse in childhood with a further one in fourteen (7 per cent) reporting non-contact sexual abuse. In one of every six cases of contact abuse (i.e. 2.7 per cent of all boys), the abuse involved penetrative sex.

25. Who abuses children • Most perpetrators of child sexual abuse (89 per cent) were men acting alone. Seven per cent of children were abused by a female perpetrator. In 4 per cent of cases, more than one abuser was involved in the same incidents). • A quarter (24 per cent) of perpetrators against girls were family members, half (52 per cent) were non-family but known to the abused girl and a quarter (24 per cent) were strangers. • Fewer family members were involved in child sexual abuse of boys. One in seven perpetrators (14 per cent) was a family member with two-thirds (66 per cent) non-family but known to the abused boy. One in five (20 per cent) were strangers. • In one out of every four cases, the perpetrator was another child or adolescent (17 years old or younger)

26. Reflections to finish • An aware parent loves all children he or she meets and interacts with—for you are a caretaker for those moments in time. • My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. • The character and history of each child may be a new and poetic experience to the parent, if he will let it.