Crossing Boundaries in Diverse Friendships: Exploring Differences and Building Trust

1. The Same and Different: Crossing Boundaries of Color, Culture, Sexual Preference, Disability, and Age By: Letty Cottin Pogrebin By Brooke Farber Workshop Chapter 11 Part 4 Monday April 13th 2009

2. Question • all of us have friends that are "different" than us. How would you explain your relationship? is it a comfortable and trusting relationship? Or is it difficult to communicate? What have you learned from this relationship?

3. Steps We Must Follow for Friendship • Explaining To Yourself • Explaining To Your Community of Origin • Explaining To Each Other “Whatever the boundary being crossed- race, ethnicity, or any other social category-both partners in a crossing friendship usually find they have to do a lot of explaining- to themselves, to each other, and to their respective communities.”

4. Explaining To Yourself • What is the meaning of my being friends with someone not like me? • When you have a friend of a different race, ask yourself whether you’re sincerely fond of this person or using them as an entree into a group you want to belong to. • Study by Gordon Allport, the difference between groups, the group which you factually belong, and the reference group, which is the group to which you relate or aspire. Example: “blacks who wish to partake of white skin privilege that they seek only white friends.

5. Explaining to Your Community of Origin • Accountability to one’s own group can be the most difficult challenge to the maintenance of friendship. • Black and white friendships are conducted “unground” Some individuals report that it is easier to limit intimacy with other groups then fight the system. • Historically the biggest enemies of boundary’s crossing friendships have been by majority whites due to exclusive clubs, schools and businesses

6. Explaining to Each Other • Ongoing mutual clarification is one of the healthiest characteristics of crossing friendships. • You discover which aspects of the other person’s “in-groupness” you can share and what you can’t. Be honest about your cultures sore points and ignore others ignorance. • Have you ever had to explain an exclusive cultural tradition? -Clip From “Boy In the Stripped Pajamas” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muJ0gVl5jDo&feature=PlayList&p=17CD45A2B2DD9AFB&index=3

7. Same but Never Quite the Same • This occurs when people leave their “safe inner circle” and build friendships with others even though their life experiences might be different. • Example: Pg 507 Relationship between Irish Catholic couple and Jewish friends over 1967 Israeli Bombing.

8. Moving In One Another’s World • Certain differences remain barriers in friendships. • Language • Racism • Feminism Friends can embrace differences and be enriched by them.

9. The Hazard of Crossing • Can cause temporary misunderstanding • Overly cautious of voicing an opinion to prevent interference with social climbing Example: Pg 511 The Black housekeeper of a White family was treated with limited respect and concern for her well being.

10. The Problem with “Them” is “Us” • Barriers exist because we don’t know each other. • Example is homophobia Our hang ups may prevent us from interacting with gay,elderly or disables individuals since we keep them “different” there maybe troubling or strange emotions during interactions. It is imperative to allow all people to be distinctive and equal.

11. Different Types of Friendships • Gay Straight Friendship • Disabled and Non-Disabled Friends • Cross Age Friends “To a large degree, our society still wants to keep them out of sight-- gays and lesbians for ‘flaunting their alternative lifestyles,’ the disabled for not ‘not getting better,’ and the old for reminding us of our eventual fate.”

12. Gay and Straight Friendship • Homosexual society is a culture unto itself. • Forming relationships across gay-straight boundaries can be challenging due to the need of explanations. • Gay men and lesbians must function in a straight world during most of their life.

13. Disabled and Non-Disabled • Form an invisible subculture • 36,000,000 Americans have some type of disability • Wheel chair-bound, deaf,blind,speaking and thinking. “We need friends who won’t treat us as weirdo asexual second-class children or expect us to be ‘Supercrips’- miracle cripples who work like crazy to make themselves whole again… We want to be accepted the way we are”

14. Cross-age Friendship • Age segregation keeps us apart • Miscommunications between young and old • Same age individuals have common history and culture • Study by Claude Fischer reveled that elderly people prefer friends of their own age • People of diverse ages can enjoy friendships are “same and different”

15. Race Friendship • What boundaries are expectable to cross. • Comfort level with slang (could be considered racist) Pg. 50 • Friendship is usually conducted “Underground” • Other friend might not be “comfortable” • Obama Racism Speech Clip

16. Probes • Which of the three kinds of explaining has been most difficult for you? • Why was gay-straight relationship discussed in this essay? • What are you thoughts about relationships with disabled people? • Have you encounter problems in relationships with older persons?

17. Reading Analysis • Thought provoking • Reflected upon my own friendships • Included relevant studies on stereotypes • Noticeable exclusions: religion and class