Stresses and Strains

1. Stresses and Strains • Is jealousy a good test of love? • Can we lie to our partners and get away with it? • How can we deal with betrayal?

2. Jealousy • The negative emotional experience that results from the potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival • Envy – a humiliating longing for another person’s possessions • Characterized by feelings of • Hurt • Fear • Anger

3. An expression of love? • How would you feel if you couldn’t make your partner jealous? • Do you think jealousy is a good test of love?

4. Types of jealousy • Reactive – response to an realistic threat, whether in the past, current, or anticipated in the future • Survey of 700 American college students • Most reported having dated, kissed or slept with someone else while they were in a serious romantic relationship (Wiederman & Hurd, 1999) • Suspicious – one’s partner has not misbehaved and one’s suspicions do not fit the facts • “paranoia” • Mixture

5. Who is prone to jealously? • Dependency – low CLalt • Feelings of inadequacy • “mate value” – attractiveness, wealth, talent • Adhering to traditional gender roles (macho men and feminine women) • Rules of these relationships are very strict • Great dismay if they are broken

6. Who gets us jealous? • Rivals with high mate values who make us look bad in comparison • Rivals who have surpassed us in accomplishments • Men are more jealous of men who are self-confident, dominant, and resourceful • Women are more jealous of women who are prettier than they are • Evolutionary psychology

7. What gets us jealous? • Men – sexual infidelity • Women – emotional infidelity • Evolutionary perspective • Men – paternal uncertainty • Men might think that women can love someone without having sex • Women – fear of abandonment (resources) • Women might think sex can occur without an emotional attachment

8. Responses to jealousy • Imagine you are at a party and you leave your romantic partner sitting on a couch alone while you refill your drinks. • While you’re gone, your partner’s old boyfriend or girlfriend happens by and sits for a moment. They share a light kiss of greeting as you return with the drinks. • How do you respond?

9. Men try to protect their egos • Plan to get drunk • Confront and threaten the rival • Resolve to pursue other women • Women seek to improve the relationship • Put on a show of indifference • Compete by making themselves look more attractive • (Shettel-Neuber, Bryson, & Young, 1978)

10. Women are more likely than men to try to get their partners jealous to test the relationship or elicit more attention and commitment from their partners (White, 1980a) • The problem is that men do not typically react to jealousy in this way

11. Ways to cope with jealousy • Self-reliance – try to avoid feeling angry or embarrassed by refusing to dwell on the unfairness of the situation • Self-bolstering – giving a boost to one’s self-esteem by doing something nice for oneself and thinking about one’s good qualities • (Salovey & Rodin, 1988)

12. Deception and lying • Intentional behavior that creates an impression to the recipient that the deceiver knows is false • Ways to deceive • Lying • Concealing info/leaving out details • Diverting attention away from vital facts/changing subjects

13. Lying • College students report lying to 1 out of every 3 people they interact with (DePaulo et al., 1996) • Adults lie to about 1 in 5 • The most common type of lie is one that benefits the liar • But one-fourth of lies are told to benefit others

14. People tell fewer lies to their lovers and friends than strangers or acquaintances • Spouses are more likely to conceal information and less likely to make explicitly false statements that partners in other relationships • But when partners do tell lies about topics that could destroy their relationships, they tell them more often to their closest partners (DePaulo, Ansfield, Kirkendol, & Boden, 2000)

15. Who lies? • People who are gregarious and sociable, and are more concerned with the impressions they make on others tend to tell more lies (Kashy & DePaulo, 1996) • Lies to attractive targets of the opposite sex told to make a good impression are more transparent than lies to unattractive targets

16. Detecting lies • Lies are usually detected through nonverbal behavior • Liars speak hesitantly • Speak in a higher pitched voice • Blink more • Also, make more grammatical errors • Mismatches between body language and tones of voice

17. Intimate partners usually have a truth bias • They assume their partners are usually telling the truth • Thus, people are confident their spouses are telling the truth, but not necessarily accurate • As relationships become more intimate and trust increases, accuracy actually declines (McCornack & Parks, 1990)

18. Consequences of lying • Violation of shared expectations of honesty and trust • May contribute to unwarranted suspicion and doubt • May be viewed as an act of betrayal

19. Betrayal • If your partner cheated on you, but your relationship was very satisfying, would you want to know about it? • Why?

20. What is betrayal? • Hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we did not expect such treachery • Examples: • Sexual or emotional infidelity • Lying • Revealing secrets • Breaking promises • Failing to support one’s partner • Abandoning the relationship • What hurts our feelings is the realization that our partners do not love or respect us as much as we thought they did

21. Betrayal is a common event in close relationships • There are the competing demands of having many close relationships • May have loyalties to many people and be unable to keep them all

22. Individual differences in betrayal • Higher scores on the interpersonal betrayal scale were found for students majoring in the social sciences, education, and humanities (Jones and Burdette, 1994) • Less frequent among those who are older, better educated, and religious • Men are more likely to betray their romantic partners and business associates • Women are more likely to betray their friends and family

23. Coping with betrayal • Perpetrators tend to think their behavior was harmful only half the time • 1 in 5 think it actually improved the relationship • 93% of people who suffer betrayal thinks its harmful (Jones & Burdette, 1994) • Betrayal is often the central complaint of spouses seeking therapy or a divorce

24. Better coping when one faces that the betrayal happened • Use it as impetus for personal growth • Rely on friends for support • Fare less well when people deny it happened, wallow in bitterness, or resort to drugs or alcohol • Forgiveness may be the key to making the relationship continue • Helped by an apology from the betrayer and empathy on behalf of the victim

25. “Unfaithful” Questions • Why do you think Diane Lane has an affair? Why does she continue it? • Do you think it was a good idea for Richard Gere to confront her lover? Is his reaction justified?