Hearing and Being Heard: Let’s Practice Together

1. Hearing and Being Heard:Let’s Practice Together

2. Reflective listening • Reflective listening • Lets the other person know that you are hearing what they’re saying • Involves restating in your own words the feelings and information that you’re receiving from the other person • Is mostly about them

3. Listening from the heart • We usually think of listening as something we do with our ears • Let’s use our whole body to take in the energy and intent beyond the words • The primary organ used for this kind of listening is – the heart

4. Safety and spaciousness • Consider your goals in listening to another person • Are you giving and receiving opinions, thoughts, and judgments? • Or are you creating connection, companionship, and presence?

5. Listening with trust • Reflective listening from the heart means • You trust the person to find solutions that work for them • Not trying to convince them of your own solutions – no matter how brilliant they are!

6. Reflective listening tells the other person that… • You want to understand what they’re thinking and feeling • You appreciate their ability to • understand their situation • identify solutions • make appropriate choices, and • implement them responsibly 

7. Reflective listening also says that you… • Respect and accept their feelings • Are willing not to judge them

8. Reflective listening feedback Helpful key phrases: • “So you feel…” • “So you’re thinking…” • “It sounds like you…” (“You” and not “I”.)

9. The “feel” of reflection During the exercise, check in with your body: • Are you registering tension, pain, or restriction? • Are you feeling a sense of opening, relaxation, and release? Your physical sensations can help you understand the nature of the connection.

10. Requesting reflection • “Could you reflect back to me what you’ve been hearing? I want to see if we’re on the same page.” • “I’m wondering if you have clarity around what I’m saying. Could you reflect back to me what you’re hearing me say?”

11. Obstacles to connection • Advice-giving • Reassurance • Denial of feelings • Minimization • One-ups-manship • Sympathy • Story-telling or comparison stories • Avoidance • Unsolicited offer of assistance • Diagnosis • Analysis • Judgment

12. Obstacles to connection , cont’d. • Advice-giving, ie, “You shouldn’t let him walk all over you. You have to start standing up for yourself.” • Reassurance, ie, “Everything will be fine. You can handle this.” • Denial of feelings, ie, “Don’t worry. It’s silly to worry.” • Minimization, ie, “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this. It’s not nearly so drastic as you make it out to be.”

13. Obstacles to connection, cont’d. • One-ups-manship, ie, “Oh, you think that was bad? I was in a 3-car pile-up…” • Sympathy, ie, “Oh, that is horrible. My heart breaks for you.” • Story-telling or comparison stories. “I know exactly what you’re talking about. The same thing happened to me last year, and…”

14. Obstacles to connection, cont’d. • Avoidance, ie, “Oh, did I tell you about my new coat?” • Unsolicited offer of assistance, ie, “I’ll go with you and hold your hand while you make that mechanic give your money back.” • Diagnosis, ie, “You’re attracted to people who are really bad for you.”

15. Obstacles to connection, cont’d. • Analysis, ie, “If your father hadn’t walked out when you were 5, you’d still be married today.” • Judgment, ie, “Well, you knew that the industry was dying, so getting laid off shouldn’t have come as a surprise.” (Adapted from Connecting Across Differences, Finding Common Ground with Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime; 2nd Ed, Connor and Killian, 2012.)