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Welcome! At your table, share your name, ages of children and advice your parents gave you about

Bullies or Buddies? Colegio Nido de Aguilas April 27 th , 2010 Elementary Counselors: Carey Harris and Stephanie Passamonte. Welcome! At your table, share your name, ages of children and advice your parents gave you about how to deal with a bullying situation. AGENDA.

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Welcome! At your table, share your name, ages of children and advice your parents gave you about

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  1. Bullies or Buddies?Colegio Nido de AguilasApril 27th, 2010Elementary Counselors: Carey Harris and Stephanie Passamonte Welcome! At your table, share your name, ages of children and advice your parents gave you about how to deal with a bullying situation.

  2. AGENDA PART ONE: INFORMATION 1. Social Development: What does friendship look like at each stage? 2. Bullying VS. Peer Conflict 3. Types of Bullying & Relational Aggression 4. Gender Plays a Role 5. The Bullying Cycle and Role of the Bystander PART TWO: INTERVENTIONS 6. How to Respond 7. Our Goal PART THREE: SMALL GROUP DISCUSSIONS

  3. Social Development • What does friendship look like at different ages? • Does “bullying” happen in Kindergarten? • Is this normal?

  4. Discussion Activity: What is the difference between bullying and normal peer conflict?

  5. Bullying Behavior versus Normal Peer Conflict Bullying Behavior • Occurs in a relationship in which there is an imbalance of power • Involves intentional harm –doing • Is repeated over time • No effort to solve the problem • Strong emotional reaction from victim and little or no emotional reaction from bully

  6. Normal Peer Conflict • Equal power or friends • Happens occasionally • Equal emotional reaction • Not seeking power • Remorse – will take responsibility • Effort to solve the problem

  7. Direct Bullying • Physical Hitting, kicking shoving, spitting… • Verbal Taunting, teasing, racial slurs, verbal sexual harassment • Non-Verbal Threatening, obscene gestures

  8. Indirect Bullying • Physical Getting another person to assault someone • Verbal Spreading rumors • Non-Verbal Relational Aggression - Deliberate exclusion from a group or activity and cyber bullying

  9. Why does this happen? • Increase their own social status • Feeling of power • Fear of rejection: group mentality • To get attention • May have been bullied themselves • Make others afraid of them • Bully because they believe they are popular and have the support of others • Think bullying behavior is exciting and makes them popular • Bystanders condone the actions, empowering the bully

  10. Consequences of Prolonged Bullying • Problems with academics • Adopt strategies to avoid the bully which often further isolates them socially • Contributes to low self esteem • Possible depression • Avoidance of school • Can have long lasting effects into adulthood • Feel lonely, unhappy and frightened • Lose of confidence • Suffer from fear, anxiety • Anger and aggressive: revenge

  11. Gender plays a role……… • Boys are more likely to use physical actions. • Girls are more likely to be involved in “indirect” bullying: relational aggression: spreading rumors, excluding someone from thier group. • Both boys and girls engage in frequent verbal bullying.

  12. How Boys Bully • Target Acquaintances and strangers • Aggressive bullying • Direct; face to face • Overt and blatant • Physical • Dominance based on competition and status in the “pack” • Some covert methods to exclude a member from the group (cyber bullying) • Teasing and taunting one’s athletic abilities or strengths

  13. How Girls Bully • Target Friends • Relational Aggression • Passive/In-direct • Covert and subtle • Gossip & rumor • Group power plays: uninvited/exclusion • Writing nasty notes • Internet: IM or online chat rooms • Group phone calls Rosalind Wiseman, “Queen Bees & Wannabes,” 2002. Rachel Simmons, “Odd Girl Out,” 2002.

  14. Relational Aggression Use the relationship to hurt another person K2 – “If you don’t give me the last cookie I won’t be your friend anymore” 2nd – “If you play with Jane I will tell people you are ugly” 4th – “If you play with Emma, I am going to tell everyone you like Joe” 5th – “Sorry! You are not invited”

  15. Cliques vs. Groups of Friends • Cliques have a set of hidden rules that have to be followed to remain in the group (how to act, how to dress, who to play with, what to play…) • A group of friends are accepting of differences and open to others

  16. The Cycle of Bullying A. Bully VICTIM B. Follower G. Defender Social Culture C. Supporter F. Passive Defender D. Passive Supporter E. Disengaged Onlooker

  17. Bystanders In general: 9% of any school population are victims of continual bullying 6% of any school population are bullies 85% of any school population are bystanders Educate the silent majority

  18. Empower the Bystanders • We are helpful bystanders • 1. Others feel the same way they do • 2. They CAN make a difference • 3. Teach subtle ways

  19. GOAL: End the Cycle of Bullying VICTIM G. Defender A. Bully F. Defender's Supporter E. Possible Defender Social Culture B. Follower D.Passive Defender C. Disengaged Onlooker

  20. When to Parachute in: Symptoms of Stress: Psychosomatic complaints (sick without organic cause) School / activity avoidance Withdrawal from friends/family Change in school performance Emotional outbursts Excessive moodiness Verbalization of helplessness/despair Nightmares Constantly in need of reassurance (younger) Changes in eating/sleeping habits

  21. WhatDoesn’tWork? • Organizing play dates with the bully • Confronting the bully on your own • Dismissing it as a daily rite of passage • Quizzing • Making your child feel uncapable • Denying your child’s involvement in bullying

  22. WhatDoes Work? • Reflective Listening • Validate feelings • Role-play • Doors of communication • Conversations about moral dilemmas • Being a role model for your kids • Discussions about how to be a helpful bystander

  23. Small Groups • Break into groups based on similar ages of your children • Read the following scenario • Use the “How to Break the Pattern” tips and discuss / role play how you would handle this situation

  24. How to Break the Pattern • Teach that cliques/exclusion is not okay – “Friends let friends play with other people.” • Problem Solving Communication • First, acknowledge feelings • Direct vs. Indirect Communication • Focus on solutions to repair relationship • We are helpful bystanders • 1. Others feel the same way they do • 2. They CAN make a difference • 3. Teach subtle ways

  25. Small Group Activity “My eight-year-old daughter had just started at a new school when the mother of a Queen Bee approached me. She wanted to invite my daughter to her daughter’s birthday party, but she told me to keep it quiet because the two other new girls hadn’t been invited. For a moment I was elated that my daughter had made the cut, but then I realized both my daughter and I were being co-opted by the clique. I was so torn. I wanted my daughter to be included, but at what price?” -- Frank Rosalind Wiseman, “Queen Bees & Wannabes,” 2002.

  26. Small Group Activity “Your son is upset because his friend was told to get off the field during soccer after calling him “a loser”. When asked what your son did next, he shrugged and said, “No one is going to do anything about it, so I kept playing.” You felt bad that your son’s friend was treated so unfairly, you secretly feel relieved it wasn’t your son.” Rosalind Wiseman, “Queen Bees & Wannabes,” 2002.

  27. How to Break the Pattern • Teach that cliques/exclusion is not okay – “Friends let friends play with other people.” • Problem Solving Communication • First, acknowledge feelings • Direct vs. Indirect Communication • Focus on solutions to repair relationship • We are helpful bystanders • 1. Others feel the same way they do • 2. They CAN make a difference • 3. Teach subtle ways

  28. Solutions to break patterns of bullying:from parents to parents! • Model inclusion and being a helpful bystander (not condoning) • Talk directly to your child about relational aggression and what is happening • Figure out the pattern – be aware and prepare to educate your child • Ask your child what she thinks should happen • Do not brag about being invited to parties • Start a new group – invite bystanders or others not invited to your home • Keep the circle open! • Being direct – don’t jump to conclusions

  29. Solutions to break patterns of bullying: from parents to parents (continued…..) • Before you say anything: 1. is it true 2. is it necessary 3. is it kind? • Teach your child to stand up for a friend! • Advocate for extra supervision during soccer games • What can you do the next time this happens? Imagine how the other person felt? What does your friend wish you would have done? What could you say? • Teach the language to express how you are feeling – empowerment • Teach your child not to engage in bullying behaviors

  30. OUR GOAL • Building social competencies, including emotion management and problem solving skills (2nd Step Curriculum) • Develop assertiveness • Building assets/confidence • We are Helpful Bystanders!

  31. Final Thought • “Just be there for me. Don’t judge. Don’t tell me how to make it better. Just tell me you love me.” --Dia, 15 http://nidoesguidance.weebly.com Rosalind Wiseman, “Queen Bees & Wannabes,” 2002.

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