Bullies or Buddies?
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Bullies or Buddies? Colegio Nido de Aguilas April 27 th , 2010 Elementary Counselors: Carey Harris and Stephanie Passamonte. Welcome! At your table, share your name, ages of children and advice your parents gave you about how to deal with a bullying situation. AGENDA.

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Welcome at your table share your name ages of children and advice your parents gave you about

Bullies or Buddies?Colegio Nido de AguilasApril 27th, 2010Elementary Counselors: Carey Harris and Stephanie Passamonte

Welcome!

At your table, share your name,

ages of children and advice

your parents gave you about

how to deal with a bullying

situation.


Agenda

AGENDA

PART ONE: INFORMATION

1. Social Development: What does friendship look like at each stage?

2. Bullying VS. Peer Conflict

3. Types of Bullying & Relational Aggression

4. Gender Plays a Role

5. The Bullying Cycle and Role of the Bystander

PART TWO: INTERVENTIONS

6. How to Respond

7. Our Goal

PART THREE: SMALL GROUP DISCUSSIONS


Welcome at your table share your name ages of children and advice your parents gave you about

Social Development

  • What does friendship look like at different ages?

  • Does “bullying” happen in Kindergarten?

  • Is this normal?


Discussion activity

Discussion Activity:

What is the difference between bullying and normal peer conflict?


Bullying behavior versus normal peer conflict

Bullying Behavior versus Normal Peer Conflict

Bullying Behavior

  • Occurs in a relationship in which there is an imbalance of power

  • Involves intentional harm –doing

  • Is repeated over time

  • No effort to solve the problem

  • Strong emotional reaction from victim and little or no emotional reaction from bully


Normal peer conflict

Normal Peer Conflict

  • Equal power or friends

  • Happens occasionally

  • Equal emotional reaction

  • Not seeking power

  • Remorse – will take responsibility

  • Effort to solve the problem


Direct bullying

Direct Bullying

  • PhysicalHitting, kicking shoving, spitting…

  • VerbalTaunting, teasing, racial slurs, verbal sexual harassment

  • Non-VerbalThreatening, obscene gestures


Indirect bullying

Indirect Bullying

  • PhysicalGetting another person to assault someone

  • VerbalSpreading rumors

  • Non-VerbalRelational Aggression - Deliberate exclusion from a group or activity and cyber bullying


Why does this happen

Why does this happen?

  • Increase their own social status

  • Feeling of power

  • Fear of rejection: group mentality

  • To get attention

  • May have been bullied themselves

  • Make others afraid of them

  • Bully because they believe they are popular and have the support of others

  • Think bullying behavior is exciting and makes them popular

  • Bystanders condone the actions, empowering the bully


Consequences of prolonged bullying

Consequences of Prolonged Bullying

  • Problems with academics

  • Adopt strategies to avoid the bully which often further isolates them socially

  • Contributes to low self esteem

  • Possible depression

  • Avoidance of school

  • Can have long lasting effects into adulthood

  • Feel lonely, unhappy and frightened

  • Lose of confidence

  • Suffer from fear, anxiety

  • Anger and aggressive: revenge


Gender plays a role

Gender plays a role………

  • Boys are more likely to use physical actions.

  • Girls are more likely to be involved in “indirect” bullying: relational aggression: spreading rumors, excluding someone from thier group.

  • Both boys and girls engage in frequent verbal bullying.


How boys bully

How Boys Bully

  • Target Acquaintances and strangers

  • Aggressive bullying

  • Direct; face to face

  • Overt and blatant

  • Physical

  • Dominance based on competition and status in the “pack”

  • Some covert methods to exclude a member from the group (cyber bullying)

  • Teasing and taunting one’s athletic abilities or strengths


How girls bully

How Girls Bully

  • Target Friends

  • Relational Aggression

  • Passive/In-direct

  • Covert and subtle

  • Gossip & rumor

  • Group power plays: uninvited/exclusion

  • Writing nasty notes

  • Internet: IM or online chat rooms

  • Group phone calls

Rosalind Wiseman, “Queen Bees & Wannabes,” 2002.

Rachel Simmons, “Odd Girl Out,” 2002.


Relational aggression

Relational Aggression

Use the relationship to hurt another person

K2 – “If you don’t give me the last cookie I won’t be your friend anymore”

2nd – “If you play with Jane I will tell people you are ugly”

4th – “If you play with Emma, I am going to tell everyone you like Joe”

5th – “Sorry! You are not invited”


Cliques vs groups of friends

Cliques vs. Groups of Friends

  • Cliques have a set of hidden rules that have to be followed to remain in the group (how to act, how to dress, who to play with, what to play…)

  • A group of friends are accepting of differences and open to others


The cycle of bullying

The Cycle of Bullying

A.

Bully

VICTIM

B.

Follower

G.

Defender

Social Culture

C.

Supporter

F. Passive

Defender

D.

Passive

Supporter

E.

Disengaged

Onlooker


Bystanders

Bystanders

In general:

9% of any school population are victims of continual bullying

6% of any school population are bullies

85% of any school population are bystanders

Educate the silent majority


Empower the bystanders

Empower the Bystanders

  • We are helpful bystanders

    • 1. Others feel the same way they do

    • 2. They CAN make a difference

    • 3. Teach subtle ways


Goal end the cycle of bullying

GOAL: End the Cycle of Bullying

VICTIM

G.

Defender

A.

Bully

F.

Defender's

Supporter

E.

Possible

Defender

Social Culture

B.

Follower

D.Passive

Defender

C.

Disengaged

Onlooker


When to parachute in

When to Parachute in:

Symptoms of Stress:

Psychosomatic complaints (sick without organic cause)

School / activity avoidance

Withdrawal from friends/family

Change in school performance

Emotional outbursts

Excessive moodiness

Verbalization of helplessness/despair

Nightmares

Constantly in need of reassurance (younger)

Changes in eating/sleeping habits


What doesn t work

WhatDoesn’tWork?

  • Organizing play dates with the bully

  • Confronting the bully on your own

  • Dismissing it as a daily rite of passage

  • Quizzing

  • Making your child feel uncapable

  • Denying your child’s involvement in bullying


What does work

WhatDoes Work?

  • Reflective Listening

  • Validate feelings

  • Role-play

  • Doors of communication

  • Conversations about moral dilemmas

  • Being a role model for your kids

  • Discussions about how to be a helpful bystander


Small groups

Small Groups

  • Break into groups based on similar ages of your children

  • Read the following scenario

  • Use the “How to Break the Pattern” tips and discuss / role play how you would handle this situation


How to break the pattern

How to Break the Pattern

  • Teach that cliques/exclusion is not okay – “Friends let friends play with other people.”

  • Problem Solving Communication

    • First, acknowledge feelings

    • Direct vs. Indirect Communication

    • Focus on solutions to repair relationship

  • We are helpful bystanders

    • 1. Others feel the same way they do

    • 2. They CAN make a difference

    • 3. Teach subtle ways


Small group activity

Small Group Activity

“My eight-year-old daughter had just started at a new school when the mother of a Queen Bee approached me. She wanted to invite my daughter to her daughter’s birthday party, but she told me to keep it quiet because the two other new girls hadn’t been invited. For a moment I was elated that my daughter had made the cut, but then I realized both my daughter and I were being co-opted by the clique. I was so torn. I wanted my daughter to be included, but at what price?”

-- Frank

Rosalind Wiseman, “Queen Bees & Wannabes,” 2002.


Small group activity1

Small Group Activity

“Your son is upset because his friend was told to get off the field during soccer after calling him “a loser”. When asked what your son did next, he shrugged and said, “No one is going to do anything about it, so I kept playing.” You felt bad that your son’s friend was treated so unfairly, you secretly feel relieved it wasn’t your son.”

Rosalind Wiseman, “Queen Bees & Wannabes,” 2002.


How to break the pattern1

How to Break the Pattern

  • Teach that cliques/exclusion is not okay – “Friends let friends play with other people.”

  • Problem Solving Communication

    • First, acknowledge feelings

    • Direct vs. Indirect Communication

    • Focus on solutions to repair relationship

  • We are helpful bystanders

    • 1. Others feel the same way they do

    • 2. They CAN make a difference

    • 3. Teach subtle ways


Solutions to break patterns of bullying from parents to parents

Solutions to break patterns of bullying:from parents to parents!

  • Model inclusion and being a helpful bystander (not condoning)

  • Talk directly to your child about relational aggression and what is happening

  • Figure out the pattern – be aware and prepare to educate your child

  • Ask your child what she thinks should happen

  • Do not brag about being invited to parties

  • Start a new group – invite bystanders or others not invited to your home

  • Keep the circle open!

  • Being direct – don’t jump to conclusions


Solutions to break patterns of bullying from parents to parents continued

Solutions to break patterns of bullying: from parents to parents (continued…..)

  • Before you say anything: 1. is it true 2. is it necessary 3. is it kind?

  • Teach your child to stand up for a friend!

  • Advocate for extra supervision during soccer games

  • What can you do the next time this happens? Imagine how the other person felt? What does your friend wish you would have done? What could you say?

  • Teach the language to express how you are feeling – empowerment

  • Teach your child not to engage in bullying behaviors


Our goal

OUR GOAL

  • Building social competencies, including emotion management and problem solving skills (2nd Step Curriculum)

  • Develop assertiveness

  • Building assets/confidence

  • We are Helpful Bystanders!


Final thought

Final Thought

  • “Just be there for me. Don’t judge. Don’t tell me how to make it better. Just tell me you love me.”

    --Dia, 15

    http://nidoesguidance.weebly.com

Rosalind Wiseman, “Queen Bees & Wannabes,” 2002.


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