Seven Rules For Fighting The Good Clean Fight

1. Seven Rules For Fighting The Good Clean Fight "Fights" should not be viewed as tragedies but as opportunities!

2. Rule #1 – Do Your Thing To Cool OffEph 4:26, Prov 29:20, 29:8, 30:33, 17:27 • Anger is natural and not sinful • Only sinful when we handle it badly • Best to reduce emotional state before discussing • Proverbs 29:20; 15:18 • If you argue when angry, apt to make matters worse • Suggestions • Pray, walk, physical activity, hot bath • Forget it or proceed to Rule #2 • Proverbs 17:9, 19:11

3. Rule #2 – Argue With The Right PersonProverbs 3:30, 25:9 • Discuss with the person we are angry with, not an innocent party • Often done to avoid confrontation • If angry with spouse, take it out on children • Danger Sign: Over-reacting • This is called “Dumping” • Dumping is cruel

4. Rule #3 – Argue About The Right ThingProverbs 15:7, 28 • Many arguments fought about the wrong subjects • We must be in touch with our own feelings and ask ourselves: “Am I really angry because of this or is there something else?” • Often avoid real issues because of risk involved • Fear of being rejected, embarrassed, etc. • One must not abuse each others feelings • Must love and trust each other enough for transparency

5. Rule #4 – Argue At The Right TimeEcclesiastes 3:1-11, Proverbs 25:8 • Both must agree the time is right • Some times to wait: • In front of company (in public) • In front of children • When time is limited (before leaving for church, work, etc. • When hungry or tired (HALT) • Right when spouse comes home from work • 80% of marital fights between 5-6pm • Rule Of Thumb: Wait until after dinner

6. Rule #5 – Don’t Bring Up Past FightsProverbs 17:9, Ephesians 4:25 • Some things you must never forget and some things you must never remember. • When issue is resolved, must be buried/never resurrected • Bringing up past items that your spouse thought was resolved breeds mistrust and a lack of confidence in the relationship

7. Rule #6 – Avoid Name CallingProverbs 14:22, 27:4 • No excuse for hurling insults/names at loved ones • 3 Reasons why personal verbal assaults are so destructive: • Throws argument off course • Focuses attention on spouse, not problem • Hurts relationship & ruins mutual respect • 3 Suggestions: • Fix problem, don’t assign blame • Lower voice 1 octave instead of raining 2 • Avoid “You” statements, use “I” statements

8. Rule #7 – Avoid “Stamp Saving”Proverbs 10:18 • Foster relationship where you can express frustrations, irritations, concerns, etc. • Stamp saving is: • Overwhelming • Disconcerting • Breeds distrust and lack of confidence • The cure: • Express displeasure at earliest opportunity • Otherwise forget it forever • If recurring fault, bring it up next time it occurs

9. Additional Pointers • Have a happy disposition • Be sure that your solution is best for both and not just selfish. • Take your share of the blame • Don’t damage the ego • Compromise • Don’t make demands or give ultimatums • Forgive & FORGET • Don’t use unfair means of getting your way