Chapter 2 – “Social Interactions 101”

2. Chapter 2 – “Social Interactions 101” • “The Rituals of Relating” • If you are part of society – and you are! – you partake in daily social interactions. • They are acted out in according to certain unspoken rules and expectations for behavior. • These rules and expectations govern everything from gift giving to eating, job hunting to baby-sitting, greeting people to meeting people. • You have to know how to “play the game.”

3. An introduction to introductions • “Like it or not, first impressions count.” • Introducing Yourself • The only thing you have to do is remember your own name. • If someone fails to introduce you, look the person in the eye and introduce yourself. *A handshake never hurt anyone.*

4. An Introduction to introductions • Introducing Others • In the Adult World • Introductions are more formal. • If you’re making an introduction, simply say “Mother, I’d like to introduce Sticky.” • If you think they might know each other, but you aren’t sure, you can turn your introduction into a question: “Mother, have you met Sticky?” • Sometimes kids and parents have different last names. In which case you would say, after presenting Sticky to your mom, “Sticky, this is my mother, Mrs. Her-Last-Name.” That way he’ll know not to call her Mrs. Your-Last-Name.

5. “How do you know who to present to whom? • Here’s the rule: • You present the person of “lesser” status to the person of “greater” status (just like in the 19th century!!!). • You address the person of “greater” status by saying his or her name first: • “Your Highness, I’d like to present Simon the stable boy.” • “Warden, I’d like to introduce my cellmate, Lucky.” • “Mrs. Smith, I’d like to introduce your new student, Sarah.”

6. Simba introducing longtime friend, Nala, to his new friends, Timon and Pumba. (The Lion King, 1994).

7. Don’t have a cow! • Relax. This doesn’t mean that royals are better than commoners, women are better than men, or adults are better than children. It’s just how things are done.

8. “Oh no! How do you introduce people if you’ve forgotten their names?” • With difficulty, but it is worse to make no introduction. But we all forget names sometimes. • You have three choices: • Be up-front • Bluff • Cheat

9. Being Up-Front • Come clean about your mental lapse. • You begin the introduction (“Dad, this is a friend from math class”), then turn to your friend and say “I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten your name.” At that point, your friend will supply her name. • If you’re introducing yourself, you can say “Hi, we’ve met before, but I’m afraid I’ve forgotten your name. I’m _____.”

10. Bluffing • With this method, you hope to avoid detection by getting those people whose names you’ve forgotten to introduce themselves. • Begin by looking warmly to both people. Then say “Do you two know each other?” If the bluff works, they reply “No” and introduce themselves. • If it doesn’t work – Umm…..awkward!

11. Cheating • Cheating isn’t nice, but sometimes it’s necessary. • Assume a frantic air and invent an emergency: “Oh, dear, I think the dog just ate my gerbil.” • Then say “Could you please introduce yourselves?” as you rush from the room.

12. “Why do People Shake Hands?” • The earliest hieroglyphic record of a handshake (in Egypt in 2800 B.C.) suggests that this was how a god transferred power to a king. A similar image appears on Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel ceiling, which shows God reaching for Adam’s hand. • Another possible reason for the handshake goes back to the days when strangers approached each other with suspicion. Men would brandish their daggers in their right hands until determining that no threat existed. At that point, they would sheath their daggers and hold out their hands as gestures of friendship and goodwill.

13. Today, people shake hands because it’s custom. • Many sports teams, peer groups, fraternal organizations use secret or special handshakes. • Such greetings originated during the Middle Ages as a way of confirming the identities of messengers and spies. • Special handshakes are perfectly appropriate within peer groups, as long as they aren’t used to make others feel excluded.

14. What should I do when I’m being introduced? • Assume the position – stand up! • Make eye contact • Shake hands • Express a greeting • Converse

16. Pucker up! (Socially) • The use of one’s lips as an act of greeting is known as a social kiss. • The use of one’s lips as an act of intimacy is known as making out!

17. The social kiss • It’s important to master the social kiss. Not doing so could result in: • Locked braces • Banged foreheads • The silly feeling you get when the cheek you thought you were about to kiss turns out to be a nose! Awkward!!

18. The social kiss • Rules: • Use it with people you’ve already met. • Only two targets for the properly delivered social kiss: • The lips • or • The cheek

19. Body language around the world • Here are some ways in which rituals of greeting and friendship vary: • Latinos, Asians, and people in Middle Eastern and Mediterranean countries consider same-sex handholding or arm linking as a sign of friendship. • Japanese people bow as a form of greeting. They disapprove of public displays of affection – even between husband and wife. • Most Middle Easterners refrain from body contact when greeting members of the opposite sex. But men and women often kiss and embrace when meeting those of the same sex. • Most people in France, Italy, and Spain kiss each other on both cheeks in greeting.

20. Giving and Receiving Gifts • Gracious Giving – when you give a gift, follow the rules: • Choose the gift carefully – it’s the thought that counts! • If you give a box of chocolates to a friend on a diet or a CD to someone who doesn’t own a CD player, you haven’t been paying attention. • Remove the price tag. • BUT if the priced tag can’t be removed without damaging the gift or the packaging, leave it. • Wrap the gift. • Include a card. • Give with confidence.

21. Costly Gifts – $$$ • “My boyfriend (actually he’s my ex-boyfriend now) gave me a necklace for my birthday. It cost $300. My parents made me give it back. They said boys his age (15) shouldn’t give girls my age (15) such expensive presents. I don’t see why not. It was his money.” • Your boyfriend’s gift was thoughtful and generous, but also inappropriate. • Appropriateness is determined by a combination of 4 criteria: selection, timing, proportion, and taste.

22. Selection • Refers to the relationship between the gift giver and the receiver. The following would not be appropriate: • A case of expensive champagne for a recovering alcoholic • A DVD of a silent movie for someone who is blind. • The complete works of Shakespeare in a leather-bound edition for someone who really, really hates Shakespeare.

23. Timing • Refers to the when of a gift • A beautiful tie presented to your favorite teacher after he writes 28 college recommendations for you is a gift. • The same tie presented before he writes them is a bribe.

24. Proportion • Refers to the magnitude of the gift • In other words – the money! • Did it cost too much or not enough? • The following gifts would not be appropriate in terms of proportion: • A bag of Doritos as a graduation present from your parents • A Lear jet as a graduation present from your parents • A $300 necklace from a 15-year-old boyfriend

25. Taste • The final measure of appropriateness • That tie you gave your teacher was an excellent choice, but not if it is covered with the words “SCHOOL IS FOR FOOLS.” • Be sure to know the receiver well before giving a gift with questionable humor value.

26. Receiving a gift • There are only two ways to receive a present: • With great pleasure, or • With greater pleasure

27. “Is it okay to return or give away a present you don’t like?” • It depends on what it is, who gave it to you, the particulars of the gift, the likelihood that the giver will ever find out, and your reason for returning it. • It’s okay to return things you already have, things that don’t fit, or repeated gifts. • Always avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. • Don’t tell people you returned their gifts unless they ask.

28. Thank-You notes • If you’re not sure whether to write a thank-you note, write one. • Write immediately. • Write by hand. • Never begin with “Thank you for…” • Example: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Gump, I’m back here in Iowa, safe and sound. School started three days ago, and it already seems as if I’ve been back for three months. I can’t believe it was just last week that I left the sunny shores of the Pacific for the long flight back home. I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed my visit. Thank you for your generosity. Love, Sam

29. Compliments • Rules of thumb: • Don’t compliment one person by putting another person down. • “It’s wonderful having someone on the team who doesn’t drop the ball like Chris does.” • Don’t tarnish your applause with envy or bitterness. • “You were great at the audition, but I don’t see why I didn’t get the part.” • Don’t pollute your praise with criticism. • “You look so nice I didn’t recognize you!” • Don’t undercut your compliment with nosiness. • “That is a gorgeous jacket. How on earth could you afford it?”

30. Applying for a job – at the interview • Be punctual • This shows consideration and responsibility. Coming late does not make a good first impression. • If you are late, apologize and admit fault. This shows you are mature. • Dress appropriately • Wear clothes that are neat, clean, pressed, and non-odoriferous. • Wear something a little snazzier than what you’d normally wear. • Wear something appropriate for the job.

31. What to wear Always be well groomed and well-coifed. No dirty fingernails, milk mustaches, food in your teeth, etc. Hair should be combed, brushed, and under control. Boys should be clean shaven. Girls should use makeup in moderation.

32. Interview Cont… • Come prepared • Bring any documents or information you might need to show. • Resume • Proof of age or citizenship • Social security card • Certifications, etc. • Mind your manners • Be poised • Be honest but not stupid • Be enthusiastic • Have questions ready • Send a thank-you note

33. Packer, Alex J., Ph.D. How Rude!: The Teenager’s Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out. Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing, 1997. 24-59.