How Men Relate to Women

1. How Men Relate to Women Vast Differences, Innate Yearnings, and the Great Relationship Train Wreck by Richard Driscoll, PhD adapted fromOpposites as Equalsby drD with Nancy Ann Davis, PhD

2. Gender Relationships Head South • Ill will abounds • 33% of women report being typically resentful of men • 14% of men are typically resentful of women • Resentment runs twice as high among women • Fatherless families • 40% of children born to single mothers • The traditional family is now an alternative lifestyle • Women report increasing unhappiness (over 35 years, compared to men).

3. Be It Proposed that: • Vast differences can be identified between men and women • Which do involve Innate inclinations (inherited from our ancestors through natural selection) ?? How many here believe that some of our important differences are innate ??

4. The Nature of Lust • Young males are more interested in casual sex • And any culture, primitive or industrial, past or present, anywhere in the world. • In all animal species (with only a few exceptions). (Tomcats go through rain, sleet, and snow, like the postman…) • U. of Hawaii study • Students were approached by an attractive confederate, flattered, and then invited for a tumble. How many agreed? • Of the young men, 75% • Of the young women, 0%

5. Implications • Who has sex more frequently and with more partners, men or women? • Logically, since it is a joint activity, men and women do it on average at the same frequency and with the same number of partners. • Men compensate women • By principles of supply and demand, since men are more eager, sex with women becomes the more valuable commodity. • So women are in a better position to require compensation for their sexual favors.

6. Human Nature • Parental Investment • Since males may invest much less in each youngster, male genes proliferate through opportunistic sex. • Since females invest more in each offspring, female genes do better to go slower and choose more carefully. • Nature + Nurture • Individual qualities are from inheritance + experience. • 30% or more of individual qualities are inherited. "If we realized how important genes are, we would be more careful about who we let into ours."Bob Wyrick

7. Emotional Overload • (from John Gottman at U. of Washington ) • Insistence • Women initiate arguments more often, argue harder, and have the last word. • Men are more apt to avoid arguments when possible or concede, placate, or withdraw from confrontations. • Stress • Women are more comfortable in arguments and recover faster. • Men are more highly stressed, intimidated, and confused and feel trashed and bitter longer afterward.

8. Surprisingly "In the sea of conflict, men sink and women swim." John Gottman • Masquerades • While we expect men to dominate, the findings are just the opposite. • Men want to appear stronger, and women to appear more understanding, so we pretend we are as we wish to be seen. • Origins • Men who acquiesce or otherwise avoid offending women have more mating invitations and more offspring. • Women who insist and berate require more of a commitment and thus gain more support for their offspring.

9. Suggestions • Marriages are better when men and women participate about equally. • Recognize it is normal to be stressed when women are angry or upset. • Tell your partner that her anger is highly stressful for you. • Avoid angry retaliation. It only makes things worse. • Learn to shield out hostility.

10. Favorite Sins • Men and women have favorite weaknesses: • Men tend toward casual sex (lust), • vs. Women tend toward casual resentment (anger). • Women hardly understand why men lust, • vs. Men hardly understand why women fuss. "I have become increasingly angry, as the alternative is depression." Feminist pioneer Gloria Steinem "Choosing to be angry… means you're feeling fully alive." Use Your Anger: A Woman's Guide To Empowerment

11. the Invisible Comptroller Regardless of race, creed, or color… We can agree that men ought to support and protect women and not harm them or allow others to do so. • Chivalry • Refers to the tendency for men to support and protect women. • Involves intense passions. • Is an invisible standard across communities. • Chivalry provides advantages to women.

12. Chivalrous Ancestors • Chimps are chivalrous. • Origins • Males who support females against offending males gain mating opportunities. • Inga counts on Org, to slay the snake. • Chivalrous genes are invited into the next generation

13. Men take the risks • Of the 10 most dangerous occupations, all are predominantly male. • Cell tower repairman tops current lists. • The most dangerous is Suicide bomber.

14. Assaults • A glass of whiskey in your face • Is an assault by a man, • but merely a rebuff by a woman. • Marital misconduct: • If a man stabbing a woman to death is a 10 (truly heinous), a woman stabbing a man is a … 6(serious, but perhaps understandable) . • He is a menace, and hardly a man at all. • Yet she is still very much a woman, and probably available now although perhaps a tad risky.

15. The Master Illusionist • Chivalry tolerates women condemning men but judges men who condemn to be improper and unmanly. • Such censorship creates a highly biased impression between men and women. " A man defending husbands vs. wives or men vs. women has got about as much chance as a traffic policeman trying to stop a mad dog by blowing two whistles." -Ring Lardner .

16. Why do women berate men? Why Now? • Women are more resentful. • Women are more condemning of their opposites. • Our chivalrous natures support women against men. • Biased arguments create the impression of oppression, producing further resentment. • Now integrated into broader society, women influence… • higher education • media • laws

17. Feminism Harms Women • The feminist agenda has altered our lives over the last 35 years. • The General Science Survey shows that happiness among women declined substantially over these same years (compared to men). • So far as feminism contributes to unhappiness among women, You can argue for women and against feminism • Feminism generally holds that women are oppressed but can accomplish wonderful things once the oppression is overthrown. • How does it make women unhappy?

18. Wounding Its Own • Feminists are indifferent to the satisfactions of motherhood. • In spite of widening workplace opportunities, women find it is not easy to accomplish great things, raise a family, and still have a free moment to oneself. • Promotes a false sense of being oppressed, which increases bitterness and can be as harmful as actual oppression. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth can get its pants on. Winston Churchill

19. Oppressed by imagined wrongs • Women: • Believe they are unfairly overworked, while research shows men and women work about the same. • Believe they are cheated, but are paid for their accomplishments the same as men. • Are increasingly fearful of being assaulted, while violations go both ways about equally. • Are increasingly obsessed about being molested or raped. • Are increasingly resentful of men and are harmed by their own resentments. • Are increasingly immune from the constructive criticism which might improve their outlooks.

20. Fatherhood • Pair bonding • Is common among birds but rare among mammals. • Began 1.7 million years ago among our hominid ancestors. • Fatherhood doubled the resources available to a family • Provided support for increased intelligence, innovation, and from there, civilization and the industrial revolution. • Fatherhood is the goose that laid the golden egg, producing civilizations while the beneficiaries expect more.

21. Cooperation Yields Mutual Benefits • A committed marriage introduces meaning and purpose amid the confusion and rootlessness of life. • Married men become more responsible, and are healthier.   • Married women are safer and better off financially. • The best solutions benefit not just one or the other of us but men and women jointly and about equally. 

22. Lucky in Love

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