Homework to Do Before Our 5 th C lass

1. Homework to Do Before Our 5thClass • Read at least through page 227. However, we also encourage you to real ahead and learn how to deal with sleeping, toileting, and eating. • Be prepared to discuss these topics: • What are some examples of expressions of opposition. • What are some examples of expressions of anxiety. • What are the problems that develop when expressions of opposition are allowed to transfer power to the child? • What problems can develop when expressions of anxiety are not handled in an effective manner?

2. Strengthening Parental Leadership“Dealing with Opposition, Defiance and Anxiety” Barry and Debbie Mattox Class 5

3. Two Ways Family Power Shifts to the Children The parent gives a reasonable direction to the child and the child responds with something like . . . “No, I don’t want to …” This is opposition or “No, I am afraid to …” This is anxiety Both of these resistances to parental leadership will lead to an imbalance of family power if not handled well.

4. Common to Both Opposition and Anxiety • The parent, being more mature, has better judgment than the child about what is good for them and how they should respond. • If the parent, against his better judgment, is swayed by his own “pleaser” or “pushover” attitudes and gives in, the child “wins” the battle. • The child quickly learns that his expressions of opposition and/or fear are very powerful influencers, and influence means power. • If your child’s whining (opposition) and crying (anxiety) succeeds in influencing you, he will continue to use it and it will tend to intensify. • Soon, your child’s protests and distress, rather than your better judgment, are determining how things go in your family. Proverbs 1:8 Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.

5. Let’s learn to we deal with . . . and Anxiety Defiance

6. Defiance and Anxiety are Different • It is easier to understand how to deal with defiance. It isn’t hard to see that we need to stand firm. • We tend to associate anxiety with helplessness and powerlessness, and thus, because we love our child, we want to accommodate him. But this actually strengthens his anxieties (fears). • We will look at the different ways we should deal with these two types of non-compliance. • First, train yourself to recognize whether you are dealing with opposition or anxiety so that you can act appropriately.

7. The faces of defiance(opposition)

8. Opposition (defiance) doesn’t always look like that.It can also be . . . • Not acknowledging you • Ignoring you • Dismissing you • “Why?” • “I don’t want to.” • “That’s not fair.” • “Wait, I’ve got to finish this level.” • “My brother should do it this time.” • “Okay, I’ll do it.” but he doesn’t do it!

9. The faces of anxiety (fear or hurt)

10. Let’s talk about defiance (opposition) First, you’ve got to maintain your own SRC! Children will not exercise more self-control, show more respect, or extend more cooperation than their parents.

11. Not This !

12. You Can’t Allow Yourself to Get Out of Control

13. Children Need Their Parent’s Help • Children are very adaptive. If your children are oppositional, defiant, “a handful” at home, but don’t cause much trouble for their teachers at school or church, it may indicate that you are falling into the mistakes that we will describe in the next slides. • When counselors asked defiant children how they felt about their behavior at home, most of them said they did not like the way they behaved. • These children didn’t know why they keep acting the way they do or how to stop it. They felt trapped. • Children need their parents’ help to lead them out of their oppositional patterns.

14. Things Parents Do that Fuel Opposition • Over-explaining, Reasoning, Negotiating • Talking when action is needed (compromises effectiveness) • Apologizing too often • Exaggerates importance of being happy and not disappointed • Makes it seem that not getting your way is really hard thing to take • Kids need to learn that life is generally not on their terms. • Seeking the child’s permission or approval • Puts the child in control • Break the habit of saying “Okay?” That diminishes your authority. • Not owning decisions and direction • Don’t “borrow” the authority of police, teachers, doctors, etc. • Children are empowered when their parents seem to lack direct authority and will cooperate less, not more. • Make it clear that it is your rule or decision. Prov29:19 Servants cannot be corrected by mere words; though they understand, they will not respond.

15. More Things Parents Do that Fuel Opposition • Putting the focus on the parents’ needs and feelings • Trying to motivate your child by telling them they hurt your feelings, made you sad, caused you to have a headache, stressed out, feeling resentful, overwhelmed, etc. • Telling your child they are messing up your schedule, making you late, or causing you some other kind of disruption or trouble • Kids aren’t mature enough to care about your problems; they see you as diminished, less capable, and less worthy of respect. • Behavior many times gets worse, not better. • Bribes, Threats, Manipulations • Gives the child power and puts him in control • Sends message that you don’t have the authority to expect cooperation. • Repeating the same direction over and over without action

16. More Things Parents Do that Fuel Opposition • Blaming the child and expecting him to understand reasons for his poor behavior • Children are not mature. They have no idea why they do things. • “What will it take to get you to listen?” • “Honey, didn’t you know that what you did was wrong?” • “When will you want to start using the potty?” • “Why did you do that?” • Dismissive, disrespectful manner • Your child will never treat you with more respect than you give him. • Don’t treat him with disrespect because he’s a child and not mature. • Being too heavy-handed • Fear and intimidation are harmful, and in the end they motivate defiance. • When using spanking, it should be done privately, lovingly, and respectfully. You should never swat at or slap your child. • Do not use sarcasm to try to shame a child into better behavior.

17. What Children Really Value • Children want their way, but what they want even more is for their parents to competently and effectively lead them. • Children are happier and feel more secure when they can count on their parents’ good judgment and authority.

18. Now, let’s talk about anxiety (fears and hurts)

19. The Key Children key off their parents’ reactions. Don’t make a bigger deal than something needs to be. Your gentle, calm confidence is what’s needed for your child to take hurts in stride and to deal with his fears in a healthy way. 2 Tim 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

20. Things Parents Do that Fuel Anxiety • Giving too much emphasis to your child’s temperament • Conveys a message that he just can’t help himself; it’s just the way he is. • Takes both you and your child out of the mindset for strength and change • “Oh, he’s just shy.” “Charlie has a hard time making friends.” • Supporting weakness rather than strength • Too much assistance supports weakness and suppresses his inner strength • Don’t give a “crutch” for ordinary life events. (If he falls down, don’t run over to help him up.) • Don’t over-empathize with your child’s hurts. (If he scrapes his knee, don’t run over and say “Ouch! You really hurt yourself. Oh, I bet that really hurts.” • Don’t put words in his mouth about his anxiety. “Honey, are you afraid to ride your bike because you are worried about strangers? Is that why you always want to be able to see Mommy?”

21. Don’t Confirm Their Unfounded Fears

22. More Things Parents Do that Fuel Anxiety • Joining your child in unfounded fears • Using ritual accommodations to soothe your child’s unfounded fears • Example: Giving a spray bottle to spray under the bed for monsters • You need to model that you know better than to hold to illogical fears • Your child will key off of your confidence and be able to face his fears • Offering objects to comfort their anxieties • Examples: Stuffed animals, laminated family pictures on a necklace • What he needs is to learn to draw strength from himself • Parents who are quick to relieve distress are preventing their child from developing his emotional strength and are reinforcing his anxieties. Kids get strong by flexing and using their own “muscles.” Proverbs 19:19 A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again.

23. Your Child Will Key Off Your Confidence

24. How to Lead Your Child Past His Anxiety • Your own confidence and action is the key to helping your child get past his anxieties. • Do not make fun of your child or be sarcastic. Rather, help him by your own confidence and light-heartedness to see that there is no need to get overly excited or fearful. • In the case of a hurt (for example, a scraped knee or a minor cut), don’t make a big deal out of it. Teach him that it’s no big deal, and that life is made up of little things like that. God made our bodies so that they can heal themselves. • If your child is being non-compliant because of a fear, use the ladder to show your confidence that the fear is unfounded.

25. Separation Anxiety • Since separation is an emotional issue, parents tend to be very vulnerable to over-reacting to expressions of separation anxiety • Separation anxiety has more to do with a child’s relationship with his parent and his home environment than with the place he’s going to. • Growing up is about having new experiences. Children who enjoy a secure attachment with their parents are usually well equipped to handle separations from them. • Having a secure base allows children to venture out and explore. • Loading children up with reassurances and accommodations communicates that they are about to face an overwhelming task or experience. • If you expect their staying with a babysitter to be traumatic for them, then of course they will sense that and be fearful. • So strengthen your connection by putting fun into your routines so that your child knows that you really enjoy being his parent. Home life should be more than just chores.

26. Supporting Healthy Separations(such as school) • If your child expresses apprehension, tell him that the feeling will go away quickly once you are there and the fun begins. “You’ll be fine.” • Avoid take an overly animated, cheerleading approach to try to sell your child. He’ll suspect something’s up and won’t buy it. • Leave quickly when you drop him off. The longer you stay, the more it fuels his anxiety. (He’s in an environment designed for children, so he’ll be fine. You have to believe it first!) • When you pick him up, keep the reunion low-key. If he brings up distress, be understanding, but stress that his feelings will get better each day and it will all be good.

27. Summary Parents are typically repelled by opposition and would like to avoid dealing with an obnoxious child. But we are touched by the distress of an anxious child and naturally want to do what we can to comfort. But we need to do just the opposite. Move towards opposition and take action. For an anxious child, reduce your attention to everyday childhood fears and be a model of calm confidence, thus giving him the pattern for drawing upon his own inner strength. The result will be children who have developed their own strength to give back and serve others and to enjoy a full life. Proverbs 11:25 A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.