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F i n e T u n i n g Y o u r F a m i l y. Strategies for Families of Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children. Family Habits Roles and Rules Parenting Styles Dealing with Acts of Resistance Active Listening Skills Fair Fighting Power Struggles. fine tuning your family.

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f i n e t u n i n g y o u r f a m i l y
Fine Tuning Your Family

Strategies for Families of Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children

fine tuning your family

Family Habits

  • Roles and Rules
  • Parenting Styles
  • Dealing with Acts of Resistance
  • Active Listening Skills
  • Fair Fighting
  • Power Struggles
fine tuning your family
family constellations alfred adler
Family Constellations (Alfred Adler)

Is It True What They Say About Birth Order?

  • Oldest children are more responsible
  • Middle children are shy
  • Youngest children are reckless
impenetrable rigid boundaries
Impenetrable (Rigid) Boundaries

Child

Parent #1

Parent #2

Family

Child

triangulation
Triangulation

Allied Against Parent #1

families roles

By: Sharon Wegsheider-Cruse

Families Roles
  • Über-Responsible
  • Great Student
  • Jr. Parent
  • Model Child
  • Comic-Relief
  • Peacemaker
  • Caretaker
  • Average Student
  • The Adjuster
  • Average Student
  • Often Forgotten
  • Blends Into The Woodwork
  • Problem Child
  • Black Sheep of the Family
  • Responsible for All Family Problems
  • Bad Student
parenting styles from love and logic jim fay
Parenting Styles From: (Love and Logic, Jim Fay)

Best Friend

Helicopter

Drill

Sergeant

Consultant

are all behavior problems acts of resistance
Are All Behavior Problems Acts of Resistance?

No, not always…

  • Developmental Behaviors
  • Acts of Resistance
it all comes down to
It all comes down to…

If the motive is the need for

self-determination

Act of Resistance

MOTIVE

does it mean that i just go with the flow
Does it mean that I just go with the flow?

?

----- NO -----

  • Redirect the resistance
  • Continue to set limits
  • Hold student accountable
does it mean that i give up my control entirely
Does it mean that I give up my control entirely?

?

----- NO -----

  • SHARE control with the child.
  • Teach age appropriate self-control
does it teach the children that they can always get what they want
Does it teach the children that they can always get what they want?

?

----- NO -----

  • Teach how to weigh the costs and benefits of their decisions
  • Accountable for their decisions
great
Great!

So where do we start?

going with the resistance laying the foundation
Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…
  • Know yourself and your natural instincts
  • Learn to manage your emotional responses
  • Learn to argue fairly
  • Learn to recognize power struggles and how to avoid them
the fight or flight response
The “Fight or Flight” Response

Stressful Incident

FIGHT - Face the incident, get involved

Or

FLIGHT—Avoid the incident

slide25
You are discussing a project with a coworker when he/she becomes irate because of a decision you made.

What would you do?

communication styles
Communication Styles

Aggressive

Passive

Assertive

Passive-Aggressive

Where on this continuum do you most often find yourself?

going with the resistance laying the foundation1
Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…
  • Know yourself and your natural instincts
  • Learn to manage your emotional responses
  • Learn to argue fairly
  • Learn to recognize power struggles and how to avoid them
slide29

4 Main

Emotions

Glad

Sad

Mad

Scared

Happy

Elated

Hopeful

Giddy

Confident

Angry

Vengeful

Hurtful

Irate

Irritated

Worried

Confused

Nervous

Terrified

Distrustful

Depressed

Mournful

Pessimistic

Melancholy

Downtrodden

slide30

Anger as a Masking Emotion

Mad

Sad

Scared

Angry

Vengeful

Irate

Irritated

Unreasonable

Impatient

Easily Offended

Depressed

Mournful

Pessimistic

Melancholy

Defeated

Worried

Confused

Nervous

Terrified

Distrustful

Glad

Happy

Elated

Hopeful

Excited

slide31

Practice

Rational Detachment!

going with the resistance laying the foundation2
Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…
  • Know yourself and your natural instincts
  • Learn to manage your emotional responses
  • Learn to argue fairly
  • Learn to recognize power struggles and how to avoid them
3 learn to argue fairly
3. Learn to argue fairly

Not even the fastest horse can

catch a word spoken in anger. 

~Chinese Proverb

slide36

Results in fewer hurt feelings and less resentment

  • Focuses on the immediate need
  • Allows both participants to keep their dignity
  • Works toward a solution
  • Respects the feelings and opinions of both parties
  • Models this behavior for others to follow
  • Resolves the argument quicker

Benefits of Fair Fighting

rules for fair fighting
Rules for Fair Fighting
  • Argue to resolve, not to win
  • Stay in the here-and-now
  • Use “I” statements
  • Be honest and accurate!
  • Delineate needs and wants
  • Use good “active listening” skills
  • Use good “customer service” skills
  • Accept every apology offered
  • Be open to compromise
  • Make good use of time-outs when needed
slide38

Argue to resolve, not to win

Rules for Fair Fighting

slide39

Stay in the here-and-now

Rules for Fair Fighting

  • Avoid bringing up old, unfinished business.
  • Avoid jumping ahead to possible negative outcomes.
slide40

Use “I” statements, and

own your feelings and your needs

Rules for Fair Fighting

“I feel ________ when you _______

and I imagine _______.”

(From: Making Healthy Families by Gayle Peterson, PhD)

4 be honest and accurate
4. Be honest and accurate!
  • Stick to the facts
  • Don’t exaggerate

Rules for Fair Fighting

rules for fair fighting 5 delineate your needs from your wants
Rules for Fair Fighting5. Delineate your Needs from your Wants

Needs

Wants

Is it fair?

Is it a compromise?

Does it meet only one person’s needs?

  • Is it practical?
  • Does it solve the problem?
  • Can you both accept it?
slide43

Use good “active listening” skills

Rules for Fair Fighting

A= Attitude

A= Acknowledge

C= Clarify

E= Emphasize

S= Summarize

AACES for Active Listening

slide44

Use quality “customer service” skills

Rules for Fair Fighting

The 3 A's of

Customer Service:

Agree

Apologize

"And..."

"But..."

instead of

slide45

Accept every apology offered

Rules for Fair Fighting

Oops, sorry, dude.

My bad.

Accept every apology the way you would want to be forgiven

slide46

Be open to compromise

Rules for Fair Fighting

When BOTH parties get some or most of what they need out of the mediation.

Win-Win

slide47

This Time-Out makes more sense!

But not this kind of time-out!

  • Make good use of time-outs when needed

Rules for Fair Fighting

TIME-OUT

Everyone needs a good Time-Out to cool down from time to time.

fighting fairly role play
Fighting Fairly Role Play

Situation:

Argument about bedtime

fighting fairly role play1
Fighting Fairly Role Play

Situation:

Argument about

house chores

fighting fairly role play2
Fighting Fairly Role Play

Situation:

Argument about

family time

fighting fairly role play3
Fighting Fairly Role Play

Situation:

Argument about

Buying something

going with the resistance laying the foundation3
Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…
  • Know yourself and your natural instincts
  • Learn to manage your emotional responses
  • Learn to argue fairly
  • Learn to recognize power struggles and how to avoid them
the classic power struggle
The Classic Power Struggle

What is a Power Struggle?

“Two people engaged in a struggle for dominance, each equally committed to winning”

the truth about power struggles
The Truth About Power Struggles
  • Each person goes to increasingly greater lengths to “win”
  • Severely damages the relationship
  • Results in resentment, anger, loss of respect, loss of trust, and humiliation
power struggles risk factors
Power Struggles: Risk Factors
  • Lack of Experience
  • Unrealistic Expectations
  • Misunderstanding the Difference Between Discipline and Punishment
slide57

You “hit below the belt”

You give 100 rationales

You bring up old business

You pull rank unnecessarily

You solicit support

You up the punishment

You need to have the last word

You use absolutes

You get “louder”

You need to “win”

  • You might be in a power struggle if…
how to avoid power struggles
How to Avoid Power Struggles

Name the Problem:

  • The real issue
  • The goal of the behavior
  • Acknowledge the real issue and focus your energy there
decide on an outcome
Decide On An Outcome

What do you want to accomplish?

What will you settle for?

how to avoid power struggles1
How to Avoid Power Struggles

Go with the Resistance

Give him what he wants under controlled circumstances

Examples: Homework — Do it after play time/dinner

Bedtime — Stay up 15-30 minutes

Chores — Choices between two tasks

negotiate a solution

How to Avoid Power Struggles

Negotiate A Solution

State your terms

Listen to your child’s terms

Seek a compromise

how to avoid power struggles2
How to Avoid Power Struggles

Hold up your end of the agreement

Pinkie swear doesn’t cut it anymore. My lawyer has some documents for you to sign.

pulling it all together
Pulling It All Together

Staying grounded and emotionally self-aware.

for more information

FOR MORE INFORMATION:

Clerc Center Home Page

clerccenter.gallaudet.edu

Or email us at

training.clerccenter@gallaudet.edu

Trainer:

Yvonne Olsen Catt: Yvonne.Catt@gallaudet.edu

slide66
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