Intimacy and Commitment in Marriage: Factors for Success and Responsible Parenthood

1. What You’ll Learn 1. Explain the four kinds of intimacy in marriage. 2. Explain two ways to ensure that marriage will last. 3. Analyze ten factors that predict success in marriage. 4. Identify skills needed for responsible parenthood.

2. What You’ll Learn 5. Discuss five examples of faulty thinking that leads to teen pregnancy. 6. Discuss the risks associated with being a teen parent.

3. Key Terms • low birth weight • toxemia of pregnancy • intimacy • developmental stages of marriage • developmental task • preventive discipline • behavior modification • logical consequences discipline • faulty thinking • generational cycle of teen pregnancy

4. The Marriage Relationship • You are not ready for marriage right now. • By observing your parents or guardian and other adults who are married or have been married, you may have learned something about intimacy.

5. Intimacy in Healthful Marriages • Intimacy is a deep and meaningful kind of sharing between two people. • Four kinds of intimacy are of particular importance for sustaining a marriage.

6. Intimacy in Healthful Marriages 1. Philosophical intimacy • Philosophical intimacy is the sharing of beliefs and values. • Marriage partners share the values that determine their day-to-day priorities. 2. Emotional intimacy • Emotional intimacy is the sharing of needs, emotions, weaknesses, and strengths.

7. Intimacy in Healthful Marriages 3. Creative intimacy • Creative intimacy is the sharing of efforts to accomplish tasks and projects. 4. Physical intimacy • Physical intimacy is the sharing of physical affection. • Fact: Sex before marriage does not predict sexual satisfaction during marriage. • It is a responsible decision to wait until marriage to have sex.

8. The Marriage Commitment • Two important ways marriage partners can help ensure that their marriage will last are: • Commitment to actions that honor their wedding vows • Commitment to working together to master the major tasks of the five stages of marriage

9. The Commitment to Honor Wedding Vows • When two people marry, they take vows, or make promises. This is called commitment. • There are two ways partners can view marriage: commitment-motivated and feelings-motivated. • Commitment-motivated partners behave as they say they will, rather than as they happen to feel at the time. • These kinds of actions reinforce the marriage commitment.

10. The Commitment to Honor Wedding Vows • A feelings-motivated partner believes how he or she feels at any given moment determines his or her actions. • The consequences are loss of trust, loss of security, and loss of commitment. • No one can promise how he or she will feel for a lifetime, but one can promise how he or she will act.

11. The Commitment to Honor Wedding Vows • The developmental stages of marriage are five stages of marriage in which couples must master certain tasks in order to develop and maintain intimacy. • The tasks are designed for people who marry in their twenties and stay married to the same person.

12. The Commitment to Honor Wedding Vows The Major Tasks of the Five Stages of Marriage Stage 1: Years 1–2The newly married couple overcomes their idealistic notions of marriage and begins to form a family. Stage 2: Years 3–10The couple gains a realistic view of one another and must settle into dealing with their individual weaknesses and make an effort to avoid dysfunctional behaviors.

13. The Commitment to Honor Wedding Vows The Major Tasks of the Five Stages of Marriage Stage 3: Years 11–25The couple establishes and maintains individual identities and deals with issues of aging, adolescent children, and intimacy. Stage 4: Years 26–35 The couple must master tasks from the first three stages that were not previously mastered, confront changes in sexuality, and grieve over their losses.

14. The Commitment to Honor Wedding Vows The Major Tasks of the Five Stages of Marriage Stage 5: Years 36+The couple finds new inspiration after the major life tasks have been completed, and they confront feelings about death.

15. Teen Marriage • Sociologist Robert Havighurst identified eight developmental tasks of adolescence. • A developmental task is an achievement that needs to be mastered to reach the next level of maturity. • Teens who marry do not have enough time to master the developmental tasks of adolescence before facing the responsibilities of marriage.

16. Why Teen Marriage is Risky • Reducing the number of teen marriages will reduce the number of separations and divorces. • Teens need to master the developmental tasks of adolescence before tackling the tasks that are appropriate for the stages of marriage. Task 1: Develop healthful friendships with members of both sexes. Task 2: Become comfortable with your maleness or femaleness. 

17. Why Teen Marriage is Risky Task 3: Become comfortable with your body. • Puberty is the stage of growth and development when both the male and female body become capable of producing offspring. Task 4: Become emotionally independent from adults.  Task 5: Learn skills you will need later for a successful marriage and parenthood.

18. Why Teen Marriage is Risky Task 6: Prepare for a career. Task 7: Have a clear set of values to guide your behavior.    Task 8: Understand and achieve socially responsible behavior.

19. Success in Marriage • There are ten factors that might be used to predict success in marriage.

20. How to Predict Success in Marriage 1. Age  Couples who marry during their teen years have a high divorce rate. Couples who marry in their twenties or older usually enjoy more success. 2. Reasons for marriage  Couples who marry to love and nurture one another and to share intimacy are more likely to succeed. 3. Length of the relationship and engagementLonger relationships and engagements provide the opportunity for couples to examine their relationship and to develop intimacy.

21. How to Predict Success in Marriage 4. Similar attitudes about children and child-raising  Discussing attitudes toward having and raising children contributes to a successful marriage. 5. Similar interests  The old saying “opposites attract” may not apply when predicting success at marriage.

22. How to Predict Success in Marriage 6. Commitment to sexual fidelity  Physical intimacy in marriage provides a closeness and a feeling of security. 7. Good character  People who have good character make responsible decisions and are aware that their actions will affect their marriage. 8. Parents’ success at marriage  People whose parents are divorced are more likely to get divorced themselves.

23. How to Predict Success in Marriage 9. Parental attitudes toward the potential marriage partner  A marriage is more likely to succeed when a person’s parents approve of the future husband or wife. 10. Careful selection of marriage partnerA marriage is more likely to succeed when people are cautious when selecting a mate.

24. Parenthood • Since society requires strict standards for those who want to drive a car, why are there no requirements for more important roles, such as supporting and caring for a child?

25. Before Becoming a Parent • To prepare for parenthood: • It is important to reach a certain age. • It is important to consider the three “Rs” before becoming a parent: • The Reasons you want to have a child • The Responsibilities you will have as a parent • The Resources you will need to raise a child

26. Before Becoming a Parent • Responsibilities of parenthood • When people become parents, they take responsibility for raising a child. • They should learn about age-appropriate development so that they can have realistic expectations for their children. • They should teach self-discipline and self-control with effective discipline. • Parents should raise their children in a stable, secure family, and give love and affection freely.

27. Before Becoming a Parent • Resources needed for parenthood • Financial resources must be evaluated when a couple considers having a child. • One of the parents may cut back to part-time work or stop working altogether after the birth of a baby.

28. Before Becoming a Parent • Financial costs of having a baby • The financial costs of having a baby, which are not limited to prenatal care, hospital and delivery fees, are very high. • Parents also need to provide a safe and clean home for the baby. • Another very high expense to consider is the possible need for child care or day care.

29. Source: Adapted from Peck and Granzig. The Parent Test, 1978. Before Becoming a Parent Reasons Why People Want to Become Parents To build up one’s ego • To have a child who looks like me • To carry on the family name • To have a child who will inherit the family business, money, or property To compensate for something that is missing • To improve one’s marriage • To make up for one’s unhappy childhood • To feel more secure as a male or female

30. Source: Adapted from Peck and Granzig. The Parent Test, 1978. Before Becoming a Parent Reasons Why People Want to Become Parents To conform to what peers are doing or what others expect • To please one’s parents or guardian • To do what one’s peers are doing • To avoid criticism for being childless To love and guide someone • To have the satisfaction of loving a child • To help a child grow and develop • To teach a child how to be responsible

31. Responsible Parenting • Parenting involves more than having loving feelings for a child. • Parenting skills focus on developing intimacy with a child, caring for a child as the child grows and develops, and helping a child to develop self-discipline and self-control.

32. What to Know About Parenting Skills • Develop intimacy with a child. • The early lessons about intimacy that a child learns from parents influence his or her ability to become intimate with others. • Philosophical intimacy is the sharing of beliefs and values. • Emotional intimacy is the sharing of needs, emotions, weaknesses, and strengths. • Creative intimacy is the sharing of efforts to accomplish tasks and projects. • Physical intimacy is the sharing of physical affection.

33. What to Know About Parenting Skills • Care for a child as the child grows and develops.  • Responsible parents help their children develop age-appropriate emotional, social, verbal, intellectual, and motor skills. • They understand emotional development and reassure their children if they are fearful or anxious. • They obtain medical help for their children when needed.

34. What to Know About Parenting Skills • Help a child develop self-discipline and self-control.  • Responsible parents provide discipline—training that develops self-discipline and self-control—to their children. • Preventive discipline is training in which a parent explains correct behavior and the consequences of wrong behavior.

35. What to Know About Parenting Skills • Help a child develop self-discipline and self-control.  • Behavior modification is a disciplinary technique in which positive rewards are used to encourage desirable behavior and negative consequences are used to stop undesirable behavior.

36. What to Know About Parenting Skills • Help a child develop self-discipline and self-control.  • Logical consequences discipline is a disciplinary technique in which the child is allowed the opportunity to experience the results of undesirable behavior so that he or she will want to change the undesirable behavior.

37. What to Know About Parenting Skills Teaching Self-Discipline and Self-Control The parents who are most effective in helping their children learn self-discipline and self-control are those who: • Set limits for their children • Are consistent in their actions • Are neither too strict nor too permissive • Discuss acceptable behavior with their children • Listen to their children and pay attention to their feelings

38. Teen Pregnancy • Faulty thinking is a thought process in which a person ignores or denies factors or believes false information. • Faulty thinking can lead to actions that cause you and others harm. It is a factor in teen pregnancy and parenthood.

39. Why Teens Become Pregnant Faulty thinking:I can have a baby now. My mother had a baby when she was a teen and she managed OK. • The generational cycle of teen pregnancyis a cycle that occurs when a teen whose mother was a teen parent becomes pregnant. • If you wait until you are older to have a baby, you are more likely to have the resources you need to raise your child.

40. Why Teens Become Pregnant Faulty thinking:I’ll be the center of attention if I have a baby.  • After the novelty wears off, you have a baby who is depending upon you to meet his or her every need. Faulty thinking:We won’t get pregnant if it’s our first time. • The fact is that a female can become pregnant the first time she has sex.

41. Why Teens Become Pregnant Faulty thinking:I can drink alcohol and still stay in control of my decisions about sex.  • Alcohol is a depressant drug that numbs the part of the brain that controls reasoning and judgment.

42. Why Teens Become Pregnant Faulty thinking:It’s up to her to set the limits; after all, “boys will be boys.”  • Although the female carries the unborn child, the male also is responsible for the pregnancy. • The male and female are legally and morally responsible for the baby when it is born. • Teen males must recognize the significance of fatherhood.

43. Why is Teen Pregnancy Risky • An unnecessary risk is a chance that is not worth taking after the possible outcomes are considered. • The possible outcomes of teen pregnancy and parenthood are reasons to choose to practice abstinence from sex.

44. Risks Associated with Being a Baby Born to Teen Parents • Low birth weight  • Teen mothers are at risk for having a baby with a low birth weight. • A low birth weight is a weight at birth that is less than 5.5 pounds. • Low-birth-weight babies are more likely to have physical and mental problems.

45. Risks Associated with Being a Baby Born to Teen Parents • Damaged hereditary material • The habits of the father-to-be affect the quality of the hereditary material contained in his sperm. • Inadequate parenting skills  • Babies born to teen parents are at risk of having parents with inadequate parenting skills.

46. Risks Associated with Being Teen Parents • For females • A pregnant teen is at risk for developing anemia and toxemia of pregnancy. • Anemia is a condition in which the oxygen-carrying pigment in the blood is below normal. • Toxemia of pregnancy is a disorder of pregnancy characterized by high blood pressure, tissue swelling, and protein in the urine. • Pregnancy and parenthood disrupts education and career plans and severely limits social life.

47. Risks Associated with Being Teen Parents • For males • Some states have passed laws that require teen fathers to pay child support until their child is 18. • Teen fathers are less likely to graduate from high school or college. • Teen fathers usually do not marry the mother of their children and often spend little time with their children.

48. Risks Associated with Being Teen Parents How can teen pregnancy affect a baby?

49. Study Guide 8A, 9A, 9B 1. Match the following terms and definitions. ___ developmental task ___ preventative discipline ___ behavior modification ___ logical consequences discipline A. a disciplinary technique in which positive rewards are used to encourage desirable behavior and negative consequences are used to stop undesirable behavior B. an achievement that needs to be mastered to reach the next level of maturity C. a disciplinary technique in which the child is allowed the opportunity to experience the results of undesirable behavior so that he or she will want to change it D. training in which a parent explains correct behavior and the consequences of wrong behavior B D A C

50. Study Guide 7H, 7I, 8A, 13B 2. Label the following statements true or false. _______ Hospital and delivery fees rarely reach more than $1000. _______ People who marry in their teens usually stay married. _______ Teens who marry do not have enough time to master the developmental tasks of adolescence. _______ A female cannot become pregnant the first time she has sex. false false true false