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Policow- A bovine guide to political theory- the “Two Cow Philosophy” • Feudalism (Knights in shining armor) • You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk to pay for your protection. But you raise the cows, one on his land and one on the church’s.
Democracy • Pure Democracy- You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. • Representative Democracy- You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. • American Democracy- You have two cows. The government promises to give everyone two cows if they vote for it. The government then taxes you to the point that you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
Democrats and Republicans • Democrats- You have two cows your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being so successfulYou vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax and buy a cow for your neighbor. You feel righteous and Barbara Steisand sings for you. • Republicans- You have two cows, your neighbor has none. So what?
Dictatorships • Communists- You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. You have to wait in long lines for hours to get it and it is expensive and sour. • Fascism (Hitler and Mussolini)- You have two cows. The government takes them both. Hires you to care for them and sells you the milk. • Totalitarianism (total government control)- You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned. • Anarchism- You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take your cows. • Dictatorship- You have two cows. The government takes them both and shoots you.
Capitalism and Socialism • American Capitalism- You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cattle. Sell them and retire on the income. • Socialism- You have two cows. You and your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk. Or the government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. • American Bureaucracy- You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other and then pours the milk down the drain.
Corporations • American Corporation- You have two cows.You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. • French Corporation- You have two cows but you go on strike because you want three. You go to lunch, drink wine, life is good. • Japanese Corporation – You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains and most are the top of their class at cow school. • German Corporation – You have two cows. You engineer them to live 100 years, all blond, beer drinking, excellent milk quality, run 100 miles an hour, milk themselves and eat only once a month. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. • Swiss Corporation – You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for storing them for others.
Corporations • California Corportation – You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English and most are illegal. • Florida CorporationYou have a black cow and a brown cow.Everyone votes for the best looking one.Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.Some people vote for both.Some people vote for neither.Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
Corporations • Indian Corporation- You have two cows. You worship them. • Iraqi Corporation- You have two cows. They go into hiding and send radio tapes of their mooing. • Taliban Corporation (Afghnistan)- You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creatures private parts. The U.S. paid you money to find alternatives but you use the money to buy weapons. • Al Qaeda- You have only two cows. You load them up with explosives and herd them onto your neighbor’s property where you blow them up. Your neighbor dies. You starve to death.
Corporations • Hong Kong Corporation- You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority stockholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with the option to buy one more.