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Boris Yeltsin

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Boris Yeltsin

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  1. Matthew Goldenberg Boris Yeltsin An illustrated timeline of drunken Russian democracy

  2. 1991 • Boris Yeltsin was elected to the Congress of USSR People's Deputies in 1989 under Gorbachev, and was soon elected as the president of the Russian Federation in 1991. • An attempted coup of Gorbachev and other reformers, such as Boris Yeltsin, failed, leading to the rapid collapse of the Soviet Union on August 19, 1991. After the coup failed, Yeltsin (probably drunk) stood up on top of a tank and rallied the people against the pro-Soviet coup forces. Yeltsin proclaimed support for democracy and by the end of the year, the Soviet Union had collapsed, a glorious day for freedom. • From the ashes of the Soviet Union emerged the independent Russian Federation, headed by Boris Yeltsin, and fourteen independent republics.

  3. 1992 • Yeltsin pushed for democratic reform, to transform Russia into a western-style market economy. However, his reforms were met with serious resistance as they resulted in economic hardship because they disrupted the decades long patterns of the Soviet economy.

  4. 1993 • The conservative duma resisted Yeltsin reforms, so Yeltsin took a drink from his vodka flask and decided “Screw it, I’m suspending parliament.” • With Parliament temporarily suspended, Yeltsin forced new elections and a constitutional referendum. The constitution is narrowly passed by the people and the first multiparty duma is elected.

  5. 1994 • In December, Yeltsin orders troops into Chechnya to crush an uprising. The war continues into mid-1996, with a Chechen victory, forcing Russia to withdraw and continue to recognize the semi-autonomous status of Chechnya. This is later reversed in 2000 when Comrade Putin installs a pro-Russian government in the Second Chechen War.

  6. 1995 • Nothing really happened, so don’t worry about it. • Next!

  7. 1996 • In the first presidential election of the new republic, Yeltsin wins reelection and gets drunk at the after party. During the race, the communist party gains a large number of votes, and only just loses to Yeltsin.

  8. 1997 • Poor health brought on years of swingin’ and drinkin’ forces Yeltsin to undergoes quintuple (yes, quintuple) bypass surgery. The surgery is successful, but he falls ill of pneumonia in January. While he is in poor health, communists attempt to impeach him to install a communist leader. Their attempts fail when Yeltsin regains health and power.

  9. 1998 • Yeltsin’s reforms to create a market economy fail, resulting in a major finical crisis. The ruble is devalued by 75% and Yeltsin was in trouble, like wet Russian bear on cold December morning. Aforementioned wet bear

  10. 1999 • Yeltsin recognizes his popularity is waning fast like hard Russian turnip in the summer months. His party suffers heavy losses in the duma, and makes the surprisingly sober decision to designate a former KGB agent and Russian bear God named Vladimir Putin as his replacement. The beautiful new face of Mother Russia

  11. 2007 • After years of hard drinking Yeltsin dies of a heart attack. Russian vodka holds a moment of silence as their largest single consumer passes away.

  12. Works Cited • http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/4-international-incidents-caused-by-drunk-boris-yeltsin/ • http://www.biography.com/#!/people/boris-yeltsin-9538949#entry-into-politics • http://www.infoplease.com/spot/yeltsintimeline1.html