1 / 16

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Final Project Christina Pinedo Moore FHS 2450. How Gottman and Silver Predict Divorce. 1 st sign-Harsh start up Conversation starts with criticism, sarcasm or contempt If it starts negative it will end with a negative tone

taryn
Download Presentation

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work

An Image/Link below is provided (as is) to download presentation Download Policy: Content on the Website is provided to you AS IS for your information and personal use and may not be sold / licensed / shared on other websites without getting consent from its author. Content is provided to you AS IS for your information and personal use only. Download presentation by click this link. While downloading, if for some reason you are not able to download a presentation, the publisher may have deleted the file from their server. During download, if you can't get a presentation, the file might be deleted by the publisher.

E N D

Presentation Transcript

  1. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work Final Project Christina Pinedo Moore FHS 2450

  2. How Gottman and Silver Predict Divorce • 1st sign-Harsh start up • Conversation starts with criticism, sarcasm or contempt • If it starts negative it will end with a negative tone • 2nd sign- The four horsemen • Horseman 1- criticism • Horseman 2-contempt • Horseman 3-defensiveness • Horseman 4-stonewalling • 3rd sign-Flooding • Spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming that it leaves the other spouse shell-shocked.

  3. How Gottman and Silver Predict Divorce Cont’d • 4th sign- Body language • Raised heartbeats • Secretions of adrenaline • Raised Blood Pressure • Sweating • 5th sign- Failed repair attempts • Efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion • 6th sign- Bad memories • When a couple is in a happy marriage they focus on the positive and wonderful things of the past. When a couple is in an unhappy marriage, the focus is on the negative of everything that has gone wrong.

  4. Four Final Stages your Marriage is Done • 1- Marital problems seem severe • 2- Talking it over is useless and problems are solved separately • 3- Leading parallel lives • 4- Loneliness sets in

  5. Two Kinds of Marital Conflicts • They can be resolved (solvable problems) or they will be a part of the couples’ lives forever (perpetual problems.) • A-Perpetual Problems • -Typical perpetual problems • to have or not have children • the frequency of sex • division of housework • religion in children’s lives • raising and rearing of children • B-Solvable Problems • this type of problem is simple but can cause a great deal of pain in couples’ life

  6. How To Tell The Difference • Solvable problems are less painful and less intense, they also have no underlying conflict fueling dispute. • If solvable problems are not compromised it can evolve into a perpetual problem. • The key to ALL conflict resolution • Communicate basic acceptance to your partner’s personality • Both must make each other feel understood • People change ONLY if they feel that they are liked and accepted as they are • Remember, No One is ever right.

  7. Coping With Perpetual Problems • Couples learn to will live with the problem and approach it with good humor • Couples acknowledge their problem and talk about it • Couples develop strategies and routines to help deal with their problem • Eventually couple will learn to cope with their problem

  8. Coping With Solvable Problems • Every marriage has it’s emotional tasks, but if these tasks are accomplished together the result will be that their marriage will grow and deepen. Tasks come down to attaining a rich understanding between the couple. This understanding is needed for both to feel safe and secure. • The 6 emotional tasks in a Marriage • 1-Stress • 2-Relations with the in-laws • 3-Money • 4-Sex • 5-Housework • 6-Becoming Parents

  9. Principle 1: Enhance Love Maps • Become familiar with one another’s world • Make cognitive room for you marriage • Remember major events in each other’s history • Keep updating facts and feelings as their world changes • Bring not only love but fortitude to weather marital storms • The more you know and understand each other, the easier it is to stay connected

  10. Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration • These are the most crucial elements in a rewarding and ever lasting romance • Spouse feels their partner is worthy of honor and respect • But once this is gone, the marriage is not salvageable • Fundamental positive view about spouse and history • Maintain a reserve of good feelings • Remind yourself of partner’s positive qualities

  11. Principle 3: Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away • Making time for one another • The basis of emotional connection, romance, passion and a good sex life • Couples who turn towards remain emotionally engaged and stay married.

  12. Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You • In order for a marriage to survive we have to share the driver’s seat • When a man is not willing to share power with partner 81% of the time, the marriage will self- destruct • Do not make decisions that make spouse feel disrespected. • When a couple shares power they are more likely to find solutions that satisfies both. • Couples need to choose “US” over “Me” • Couples need to learn to yield in order to win • Lastly, be willing to compromise. You can never get your way 100 percent of the time without crushing your partner’s view.

  13. Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems • Treat spouse with the same respect you treat company • In order to resolve conflicts each partner must: • 1- soften the start up • 2- learn to make and receive repair attempts • 3- soothe yourself and each other • 4-compromise • 5-be tolerant of each other’s faults

  14. Principle 6:Overcome Gridlock • The goal is not to SOLVE problem but move from gridlock to dialogue • Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams, hopes, aspirations, and wishes- they are a part of your identity and give you purpose and meaning to life- that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other. • Often these dreams are rooted in childhood • You either want to recreate or need to distance away from dream • The problems arise when the true reason to the arguments are hidden or disrespected • Each need to help one another realize dream as a good in the marriage • Work as a team • DO NOT make spouse give up dream • Marriage should support both dreams • Respect dreams and each other’s needs • 3 levels of honoring dream • Express understanding of the dream, be interested in learning more about it even though you don’t share it. • Offer financial support for the dream • Become a part of the dream.

  15. Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning • Create inner life together • A culture is when 2 people have agreed to share their lives • This doesn’t mean seeing eye to eye in all tasks • Meshing and incorporation of both dreams in the marriage is necessary • Couples should create a culture rich in understanding • Honor each other’s dream even if you don’t share them • Be open to each other’s perspectives • Encourage an atmosphere for each person to talk honestly and respectfully about their convictions. • A culture should include family rituals, roles, goals, and shared symbols

  16. Now what? • Devote Five Hours a week to your marriage • Working briefly on your marriage will do more for your health than a gym ever can • One spouse should be the Marital Poop Detector • This couple takes the lead in “sniffing” out trouble. • Call out spouse and find out what is wrong • Lastly, forgive yourself • Criticism is connected to self-doubt • Accept yourself with all your flaws • Express thanks and praise • Grace and forgiveness will follow after.

More Related