Weekend with Harold

1. Weekend with Harold A step-by-step guide to adding detail to your story to make it sing

2. Adding Descriptive Detail Original Text: I bought glue traps. I’m not proud of it. But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies. The previous night, I’d set out four and baited them each with a puffy Cheeto. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag. My ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold and me.

3. Adding Descriptive Detail Original Text: I bought glue traps. I’m not proud of it. But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies. The previous night, I’d set out four and baited them each with a puffy Cheeto. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag. My ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold and me.

4. Fix #1: Use an AAAWWUBBIS CLAUSE to show multi-tasking • I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag. My ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. • I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag while I ate the remaining puffs. • As I licked the powdered cheese off my fingers, my ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Cheeto Puffs are so delicious.

5. Fix #1: Use an AAAWWUBBIS CLAUSE to show multi-tasking • You can always use vivid verbs and modifiers to punch up your writing. “Ate” isn’t a terribly interesting or specific verb, so I substituted “popped.” I was also eating the Cheetos and licking my fingers one at a time, so I added in those details as well. • I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag while I popped the remaining puffs in my mouth one by one. As I licked the powdered cheese off my fingers one at a time,my ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind.

6. Fix #2: Use an ABSOLUTE PHRASE to further describe how you were doing something or to describe concurrent actions • Absolute phrases follow this basic formula: noun + present participle + additional modifiers (optional) • What else was I doing while I sat on the counter? Looking out for Harold! • Focus on eyes • Eyes (noun) +scanning (present participle) eyes scanning • Eyes scanning (the floor) • Eyes (vigilantly) scanning (the floor) • I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag, eyes vigilantly scanning the floor while I popped the remaining puffs in my mouth one by one.

7. Fix #3: ONOMATOPOEIA isn’t just for poetry • What sounds does eating a Cheeto make? • Crunch (initial bite) • Munch munch (finishing the puff) • I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag, while I popped the remaining puffs in my mouth one by one. Crunch. Munch munch. • What sounds would Harold’s paws make on the wood floors? • Pitter-patter • As I licked the powdered cheese off my fingers one at a time, my ears strained to hear the tiny pitter-patter of paws, and I started at every gust of wind.

8. Fix #4: PREPOSITIONAL PHRASE STACKING • Where might Harold’s baby mama choose to have her babies? • Under the sink? • But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies under the sink. • Where specifically under the sink? • In a corner? • Someplace hidden? • But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies in a cozy nookunder the sink behind the bottle of grout cleaner.

9. Fix #5: Use a RELATIVE CLAUSE to satisfy your inner journalist • Relative clauses follow two basic formulas: • relative pronoun + subject + verb • relative pronoun acting as a subject +verb • The relative pronouns WHO and WHICH are good bases for forming relative clauses to add more description to people or objects in your story.

10. Fix #5: Use a RELATIVE CLAUSE to satisfy your inner journalist • Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold and me. • Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold, who was wearing a sweater vest and glasses, and me. • Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold, who was wearing a sweater vest and glasses, and me, who was waving a giant Cheeto in his direction. • Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic Nutcracker-esquebattle between a human-sized Harold, who was wearing a sweater vest and glasses, and me, who was brandishing a giant Cheeto, light saber-like, in his direction.

11. To Recap… • Original text: I bought glue traps. I’m not proud of it. But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies. The previous night, I’d set out four and baited them each with a puffy Cheeto. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag. My ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold and me. • New and improved text: I bought glue traps. I’m not proud of it. But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies in a cozy nook under the sink behind the bottle of grout cleaner. The previous night, I’d set out four and baited them each with a puffy Cheeto. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag, eyes vigilantly scanning the floor while I popped the remaining puffs in my mouth one by one. Crunch. Munch munch. As I licked the powdered cheese off my fingers one at a time, my ears strained to hear the tiny pitter-patter of paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic Nutcracker-esque battle between a human-sized Harold, who was wearing a sweater vest and glasses, and me, who was brandishing a giant Cheeto, light saber-like, in his direction.

12. Other Fixes: Participial phrases • Use a PARTICIPIAL PHRASE to add description to a sentence. These always function as adjectives, and can be formed with either the past or present participle. • Crunching puffs on the counter • Crunching puffs on the counter, I waited for Harold to show. • Stuck on the middle of the glue trap • I found Harold, stuck on the middle of the glue trap, the next morning.

13. Other Fixes: Appositives • Use an APPOSITIVE PHRASE to rename a noun and give more information about it. These can start simply, but can be expanded into more complicated phrases. • Harold, a mouse, is scurrying across the kitchen table. • Harold, a small mouse, is scurrying across the kitchen table. • Harold, a small mouse with a long tail, is scurrying across the kitchen table. Hipster Harold?

14. Other Fixes: Participial + Appositive • You can even combine an appositive phrase with a relative clause to make an even more awesome interrupter: • Harold, a small, long-tailed mouse that has spied my uncovered loaf of bread, is scurrying across the kitchen table.