The Relationship Cure

1. The Relationship Cure John M. Gottman, Ph.D. And Joan DeClaire PowerPoint Presentation: Linda Zimmerman

2. I. How We Connect Emotionally Steps to achieve mastery of emotional communication that can help people feel connected. • Become aware of the way you “bid” and the way you respond to others’ “bids.” • Understand how your brain’s emotional command systems affect your bidding process. • Examine how your emotional heritage impacts your ability to connect with others and your style of bidding. • Develop your emotional communication skills. • Find shared meaning with others.

3. The “Bid” • It can be a gesture, a look, a touch, or anything that tells another person you want to be connected to them. • A response bid is the positive or negative response given to a bid for connection by another person.

4. Some Bidding Statistics During a typical dinner-hour conversation: • The happily married people engaged one another as many as 100 times in 10 minutes. • Those headed for divorce engaged only 65 times in 10 minutes. Add these interactions up over a year, and you can see how much more time the happy couples interact with each other.

5. Bidding Statistics - Husbands • Husbands headed for divorce disregarded their wives’ bids 82% of the time. • Husbands in good relationships disregarded their wives’ bids 19% of the time.

6. Bidding Statistics - Wives • Wives headed for divorce disregarded their husbands’ bids 50% of the time. • Wives in good relationships disregarded their husbands’ bids 14% of the time.

7. Loneliness • Most people who are in faltering relationships have generalized feelings of loneliness. • Their main problem is an inability to recognize and respond to a bid from others.

8. Relationships Build – One Interaction at a Time. • “Hey, Mom, when’s dinner going to be ready?” “Stop nagging! As soon as I can get it on the table.” How does this answer Feel?

9. Building Stronger Relationships • The key to good relationships is NOT simply self-disclosure. • The key to good relationships is how well you pay attention and are paid attention to by your partner or friend!!

10. What Works Well? • Humor and affection open up communication between people. • If it is kind, it keeps the people connected and makes them comfortable enough to examine what is happening between them at the moment.

11. How does this feel? “What are you doing for lunch today?” “Lunch? Who has time for lunch?” ”Maybe some other time then.” “Yeah, some other time.”

12. How can you build a better relationship? What do you think of the following? • “What are you doing for lunch today?” • “I brought a sandwich. Want to join me outside?” • “Sure, but I need to get something from the cafeteria first. Need anything?” • “Yeah, get me some water. Maybe I’ll bring those pictures from my family reunion?” • “Sure, I’d love to see them. And we can plan theparty for Peg.” • “Yeah, we better get that going.”

13. How does this feel? “What are you doing for lunch today?” “I wish I had time for lunch. I have so many papers to grade. What are you up to?” “I brought a sandwich. I thought I’d go sit outside. But I have to go to the cafeteria for some water. Want me to bring something back for you? “That would be nice. Can you get me a ham sandwich and a diet coke? Oh-and catch some rays for me while you’re out there, okay?” “Sure thing” “Thanks, maybe we can have lunch together tomorrow.” “Great”

14. Now you try it! Think of someone you have been having some difficulty with and create two conversations – one with appropriate bidding and connection and one that ignores the bid. Two conversations: • Appropriate bidding 2. Ignore the bid

15. Three ways we respond to bids: • Turn toward – builds stable, long-lasting relationships over time that include humor, affection, and interest in each other, even during a conflict. • Turn against – belligerent or argumentative, use sarcasm or ridicule, follows a pattern of hostility followed by suppression of feelings. • Turn away – consistent turning away is bad for relationships and often leads to hostility and defensiveness. It is destructive to all relationships.

16. Response Examples How was your vacation? • Turn toward It was all right. The scenery was beautiful, but it was a little cool during the afternoon. • Turn against As if you really cared! • Turn away Do you have any messages for me?

17. Three Responses to Bids

18. Three Responses to Bids

19. How Bids Work • We need connections. • We each define them in our own way. • Please define your top 10 needs. • Then number them in order of importance. • Examples: • My need to be included in my friends’ plans • My need to get empathy from my best friend • My need for sexual intimacy with my spouse.

20. Ladder of Needs in a Relationship 7. Connection around heartfelt subjects 6. Problem solving 5. Support 4. Affection 3. Friendly Gossip 2. Humor 1. Small Talk (low level connection)

21. Confused and Confusing Bids Sometimes we want attention, connection, affection but go about it the wrong way: We feel slighted, ignored and disconnected, but instead of asking for what we need, we absorb the anger until it blasts out in an ineffective tantrum. Why? Never felt deserving, or never learned to bid effectively.

22. Unrequited Turning • What happens when someone in a relationship habitually turns toward the other’s bids, while the other person habitually turns away or against?

23. Unrequited Turning • It is unhealthy • creates frustration • can have serious negative long-term consequences for children treated this way • it leads to the rejected partner or friend eventually stopping offering any bids. Happily married couples bid for connection far more often than unhappily married partners.

24. Disconnected: The Consequences to Living Without Emotional Bonds Three emotional needs common to all people: • to be included • to have a sense of control over their lives • to be liked Fulfillment of these needs leads to happiness and warm relationships. Disconnection leads to loneliness and depression.

25. Nonverbal Bids • Affectionate touching – back slap, handshake, pat, squeeze, etc. • Facial expressions • Playful touching • Affiliating gestures – opening a door, handing over a utensil or tool • Vocalizing – laughing, grunting, sighing

26. Being able to use humor in your relationship develops goodwill and affection Humor

27. Fuzzy Bidding • Making ambiguous statements to avoid emotional risk • Using unclear language • Framing bids negatively (pushes people away) • Failing to communicate your needs

28. What does turning away do? It tells the other person: I don’t care about you. I want to avoid you. I’m not interested in your interests. I’m too busy for you. You are not worth my time. I want more independence than you want to give me.

29. How to Destroy a Relationship Turning against someone is deadly: It has an edge of cruelty. It may reflect an irritable personality which may be reflective of anxiety or depression. It may reflect self-criticism from childhood. It says: I feel hostile toward you. I don’t respect you. I want to hurt you. I don’t value you. I want to drive you away.

30. How to Destroy a Relationship • The more people turn away from each other the more conflict they create in the relationship. • The more people turn toward each other, the more their relationship will be conflict-free. • You can’t continue to turn away and expect the relationship to survive.

31. Strengthening Relationships • To build stronger relationships, turn toward that person as often as possible – even when you are disappointed, frustrated, angry, or sad. • When dealing with children, remember that they often need you to make the connection for them.