Five Languages of Love

1. Five Languages of Love Molly Brown, BA CHKD Parent Educator molly.brown@chkd.org 757.668.9304

2. Why are you here today?

3. Hopefully, you came to learn how to fill a child’s emotional tank. How? By learning to speak their love language.

4. Before we start…

5. Unconditional love is the foundation ♥ No matter what they look like ♥ Handicaps ♥ Abilities ♥ Behavior You still care for them!

7. Finding a child’s primary love language is important! • Over time, a child’s primary love language may change. • With children under age 5, you might not be able to figure out their primary love language.

8. Understanding Languages of Love • Caregivers do need to speak all 5 love languages to keep the emotional tank full. • If you have several children, chances are they speak different love languages and need to be loved in different ways.

9. How did you know an adult loved you when you were younger?

10. Languages of Love ♥ Physical Touch ♥ Words of Affirmation ♥ Quality Time ♥ Gifts ♥ Acts of Service

11. #1 Touch • High fives • Hugs • Bear hugs • Kisses • Pats • Soft strokes • Massage • Snuggling • Riding piggyback • Contact sports

12. If you were to ask, “How do you know ____ loves you?” “I know my mommy loves me because she is always hugging me… and my friends.” (A Book of Hugs) “Mr. Cassidy always gives me a high five when I see him.”

13. Physical Touch • Infants, toddlers, school age children - need lots! • Boys 7 -9 years old - may resist hugs and kisses but still need physical contact (wrestling, bear hugs, high fives, playing sports, running your hands through their hair) • Adolescence - Boys and girls pull back but don’t hold back touches. Girls need more expressions of love from dads during this time (if not, they will seek it out from another man).

14. Touching Some need personal space Read body language • Pull back? Ask if you can

15. If you use physical touch as an expression of anger or hostility, (spanking) and this is their love language, you will hurt them very deeply.

16. So find ways to use positive touch

17. Find the moments!

18. # 2 Affirmation Words of Praise Encouragement Guidance Support Some children become accustomed to praise and expect it (self-esteem)

19. Words Give positive messages • “I love you” – some can’t say this • “Thank you for _____” • “I’m so proud of you” • “I’m so proud of you for _______”

20. Verbal or Written • Write a note • Post it • In with their lunch • On their hand (The Kissing Hand) • Send a card • Send an email

21. You are a cheerleader!

22. “Wow, that was close” or “That’s a great effort, you’ve almost got it” instead of “Come on you can do better than that”

23. “I can’t do it!” Encourage means “to instill courage” You haven’t been able to do it up to now.

24. Communication • Are you really listening? • Need to be approachable, accepting, open, no put downs, non-judgmental

25. Watch your tone and body language

26. Boys to Men We want: • Caring • Sensitive • Believe in female equality We still say: • “Don’t cry” • “Toughen up” • “Be strong” • “What sport do you play?” • “Be a man”

27. Choose your words carefully. Words of disapproval will hurt them very deeply.

28. Comment on the positive

29. So… find ways to encourage and praise!

30. # 3 Quality Time Play with me!

31. In a school setting adults show this love language by being a: • Teacher that stays after school. • Volunteer that comes in to read. • Staff person who comes out to after hour school events.

32. When you spend time with a child, you create memories for a lifetime.

33. “My dad comes to my soccer game and we go out for • a smoothie afterwards.” • “Mom took just me fishing.” • ∞Plenty of time to talk

34. Time • Plan for quality time • Lunch • Camping trip • One-on-one time with each child • Be excited to see them! Find time when you are relaxed and upbeat (not exhausted).

35. Quality vs. Quantity • Eye contact • Are you ignoring me? • Often use in negative way • Smile ☺ • Really be with them • Quality conversation • Ask specific questions • Give examples from your day • Try storytelling

36. Parents - Do ANYTHING! • Watch a movie • Read a book • Trip to the store • Finger paint with chocolate pudding • Dance together • Go to a jump house • Go mermaid hunting

37. Ask “If you could do something special with mom/dad, what would that be?” flash light tag Keep it simple, make it fun! (KISMIF)

38. Family Dinner

39. Slow down!Learn to say, “No” to other obligations.Make time with your child a priority.

40. So go play!

41. # 4 Gifts • Has little to do with the size and cost • Not to be a payback or bribe • Avoid a guilt gift (going overboard is not the cure all) • Should be personal, know/learn interest of the child • Tangible, visual reminder, “I know your thinking about me.”

42. A child would say… “Mom bought me new school clothes.” “My dad bought me a baseball glove.” “Grandpa brought me a rock from Yellowstone Park.”

44. Receiving Gifts Children whose primary love language is gifts will: • Make a big deal about receiving the gift • Want the present wrapped or given in a creative way • Will talk about how it is wrapped • Feel very special when opening it and want your undivided attention while opening it • Make a special place for the gift and want to share or show it to friends • It will not matter if the gift was bought, made, or found. What matters is that you thought about them!

45. Divorce The expensive present will not make everything better.

46. Too many gifts? No meaning Child becomes “emotionally dead” to receiving

47. # 5 Acts of Service Whom do you serve? Kids, parent, employer, spouse/significant other, church, organization It is physically and emotionally demanding to provide acts of service.

48. School nurse

49. Bus driver that says a spirited Good morning

50. What can you teach a child? To serve people who are in no way able to return or repay the kindness. • Having a bad day • Different • Disabled • Disadvantaged