What do we tell the Children? Dr. Katie Koehler Assistant Director of Bereavement Services - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

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What do we tell the Children?Dr. Katie Koehler Assistant Director of Bereavement Services

Formerly known as The Child Bereavement Trust

A simple child

That lightly draws its breath

And feels its life in every limb

What should it know of death?

William Wordsworth, We are seven

The Elephant in the Room

There’s an elephant in the room.

We all know it’s there.

We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.

It is constantly in our minds.

For, you see, it is a very large elephant.

It has hurt us all.

But we don’t talk about the elephant in the room.

Terry Kettering

Families in grief

At a time when partners need each other most and children need their parents, they are often unable to be emotionally available to each other because they are consumed with their own grief.

Circumstances

of death/dying

Relationship with

person who died

‘Recovery’

environment

The child,

personality,

background

Factors affecting

the grieving process

Tasks of Mourning

To accept the reality of the loss

To experience the pain of grief

To adjust to an environment in which the person who has died is missing

To emotionally relocate the person and move on with life

J William Worden

A Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement

Stroebe & Schut (1999)

Everyday Life Experience

Restoration-oriented

Attending to life changes

Doing new things

Distraction from grief

Denial/avoidance of grief

New roles/identity/ relationship

Loss-oriented

Grief work

Intrusion of grief

Breaking bonds/ties

Denial/avoidance of restoration changes

In working with grieving families, we all bring our own

hurts and losses
feelings about loss by death
desire to care for others
ability to reach out and involve ourselves
inability, when overpowered by the horror or tragedy of a child’s death and our own sadness

“A Child Dies; a Portrait of Family Grief.” Joan Hagan Arnold & Penelope Buschman Gemma 1983. 1983.

Effects of bereavement on children

Physical health
Cognitive responses
Behavioural responses
Emotional responses

Indirect impact

Closed communication that can be detrimental (Holliday 2002) .
The nature of the sibling relationship (Hindmarch 2000)
Role of the surviving sibling is affected (Holliday 2002)
Parental overprotection can affect self esteem and independence (Gibbons 1992)
(Holliday 2002)

Secondary losses

Loss of security
Loss of attention
Loss of normality
Loss of confidence

Children’s experience of bereavement

Loss of the living as well as the dead
Adults can seek support, children are left with what is given to them
Act out feelings rather than speak them
Revisit their grief at each life stage

What can we do to help?

Understanding, love and sensitivity
To be involved
Honesty
Information
Opportunity to express feelings
To revisit their grief as they become older

Children can only cope with what they know

Wolfelt 1996

Resilience

Is promoted by:

Temperament
Scholastic competence
Self-esteem
Supportive relationships
Communication
Ability to share
Familial emotional support

Family Support

Bereaved children are protected by their relationships with surviving family members (Harrington & Harrison 1999)
Families with higher cohesion, active/recreational orientation and moral/religious emphasis had children with fewer behaviour problems post bereavement (Davies 1988)