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Break the Silence of Girl Bullying. Cst. Candace Benko Regina Police Service. Learning Objectives. Distinguish the difference between a circle of friends and a clique Educate and empower girls to help themselves and others
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Break the Silence of Girl Bullying Cst. Candace Benko Regina Police Service
Learning Objectives • Distinguish the difference between a circle of friends and a clique • Educate and empower girls to help themselves and others • Educate parents with a direct approach without insulting their parenting abilities
A Conscious, willful, deliberate and repeated hostile activity marked by an imbalance of power Individual or group behavior intent to harm and/or a threat of aggression Bullying is: Calculated and Intentional
Bullying Includes… Exclusion Intimidation Threats Physical Hurt Name Calling Insults Gossip and Rumours
Where Does Bullying Happen: • Bullying tends to happen where groups of children hang out • Playgrounds, washrooms, classrooms, lockers and hallways • Cafeteria, school bus, on the way to and from school • Computers – MSN, Chat Rooms etc…
Bullying Occurs: • Every 7 minutes on the playground • Every 25 minutes in the classroom • Each day thousands of children do not go to school in fear of being bullied
Why do we not see it happen: • Most bullying incidents last less than 60 seconds • 50% of attacks are verbal • 10% of students harass • 10% of students are harassed • 80% of students see the harassment and do not do anything
Questions • What does a bully look like? • How do they behave? • Have you ever been a bully? • What does a victim look like? • How do they behave? • What does a bystander look like? • What role do they play in bullying?
Bully Victim Bystander Passive Active
Indirect Relational Aggression
Relational Aggression • Spreading Rumours • Passing Notes • Rolling Eyes • Making Comments • Revealing Secrets • Jokes Followed Up By “Just Kidding” • Silent Treatment and Exclusion
Physical Bullying can include… Punching Kicking Spitting Pushing or Shoving Slapping Tripping Any type of Physical Assault
In "Girl land" we have: GIRLS & CLIQUES
Cliques: • Girls will naturally have friends that they are close to BUT, they also sow the seeds for cruel competition, popularity, and social status • Sophisticated, Complex and Multi-layered • Exist due to insecurities and the need to belong • Fluent hierarchy and rules • Begin prior to Kindergarten
Rules and punishments Often invisible Always changing Put Downs / Compliments The leader makes rules about what and who is cool Dress code: how your clique marks themselves The clique dictates all social behaviors Who you talk to and don’t How you spend your time Clique Rules Often travel in a group
Labels Survey Made by a 17 year old who wrote a book called More Than a Label Aisha Muharrar
Queen Bee Sidekick Banker Floater Torn Bystander Wannabe / Messenger Target
She has the power to make you feel good or bad Not intimidated by others The Queen Bee Others want to please her Her popularity is based on Fear and Control She makes things up and people believe her She weakens the friendships of others Center of Attention
Her best friend is someone that she may not even like Power depends on the support she receives from the Queen Bee The Sidekick Gains popularity Loses the right to express her opinions and individuality Gives up the right to be HERSELF
In “Girl Land” information is currency Causes chaos wherever she goes…collecting and dispensing information Rarely excluded due to the amount of info she has on everyone The Banker Almost as powerful as the Queen Bee Very secretive & strategic Friends with everyone Pumps others for information Loses the trust of close friends
Queen Bee Sidekick Banker Floater Torn Bystander Wannabe / Messenger Target
Has friends within different cliques Higher self-esteem due to not basing it on others opinions The Floater Has influence over others but doesn't abuse it One of few that will stand up to the Queen Bee Isn’t intimidating to anyone Less likely to sacrifice herself
Often caught in the middle of conflict between two cliques Torn Bystander Torn between what’s right and her tie with the clique Will rationalize and apologize for Queen Bee’s or Sidekick’s behavior—yet she knows their actions were wrong Tries to accommodate everyone Opportuniy to try new things
Will mimic clothes and hair etc. to get herself closer to the group Does the Queen Bee’s dirty work … spreading rumors Gets herself in trouble changing her opinion as she changes whom she is talking to Wannabe / Messenger Will do anything the Queen Bee or Sidekick ask her to do Tries to hard to fit in Insecure about herself and friendships
Queen Bee Sidekick Banker Floater Torn Bystander Wannabe / Messenger Target
The Target Helpless with no one to back them Set up by other girls, made FUN of & EXCLUDED The hierarchy of the clique is maintained by always having someone on the bottom Will withdraw and not talk to anyone High level of Anxiety
Types of Victims One-Dimensional Physically Challenged One characteristic that makes them different -overweight –wears braces Physical disability that makes her different than everyone else Accidental Victim Loner Victim Passive Loner Aggressive Loner
When we feel sympathy we’re sorry or sad about what has taken place When we feel empathy, we can put ourselves in that other person’s shoes . We can be aware of what the other person may be feeling without being told Sympathy vs Empathy
How do you think that person feels? What do they need to feel better? What can you do to help them?
Don’t watch - walk away Combat gossip with the truth Get a teacher/parent involved Bystanders know that they should do something but often are unsure of what to do…. Don’t react Use humor Align with the victim Create adistraction Confront the bully when she is alone Offer support in front of the clique leader
Conflict is a part of our everyday life and it will never go away. It is neither good nor bad, it just is. What can be bad is how we handle the conflicts in our lives. Learning to resolve conflict is a life skill
Who Planted the Bully Seed? • Educating parents regarding their responsibility and influence on their children. • Understanding what to expect from parents who’s children are bullies.
What is your parenting style? • Most styles of parenting are based on love, BUT some are also driven by fear and denial. • Yours is probably a combination of a number of styles
The Lock-Her- in-a-Closet Parent They believe that they have full control over daughter’s movements and can choose their friends/boyfriends etc.. Believe telling her to say “NO” to drugs, sex and alcohol will work Many parents think that this plan is successful when in fact they are only teaching their daughter to sneak around and hide things from them and she is not being given proper resources to help herself or keep herself safe.
The Best Friend Parent This parent will do anything to be liked by her daughter and her friends Will run a “rule free” home with no guidelines or parental consequences This form of a parent is easily manipulated and disrespected by their child and she may choose to take extreme measures to separate herself from you. Your daughter needs you to be a parent not a friend with ID Believes their daughter “tells them everything”
Inconsistent Parent • Initiates rules, but due to the parent being so exhausted, tired and overwhelmed at the end of the day there is no energy left to discipline or enforce the rules. Daughter will change topic and transfer guilt justifying her bad behavior because you are such a bad parent.
No-Excuses Parent • She should always get up no matter how many times she is pushed down • Demanding the highest standard of accountability and responsibility for their daughter These girls are very reluctant to ask for help. When problems overcome them they feel that they have let the family down and are ashamed Their feelings become self-destructive and they distance themselves from their families
Private Parent • Family problems stay within the family • Imperfection is inhuman • Problems? What Problems? • Outside World “Not my daughter” Will also have trouble reaching out for help to parents or others. Privacy is very important to some degree but issues need to be discussed and resolved.
No-Privacy Parent • Based on humiliation and embarrassment • The Tell “All” Secrets Parent Girls will usually begin to sneak around behind the backs of parents just so they don’t risk the humiliation. Leads to a decreased self esteem and daughter will look for acceptance from any other people (Good or Bad)
Don’t-Ask Don’t-Tell Parent • The parent doesn't ask, and the daughter doesn't tell • Ignorance is bliss…. Makes for superficial conversation at the dinner table and for serious BIG surprises later that parents often say “Why didn’t you tell me?”
The Worried Parent • Often left feeling helpless and out of control wondering, worrying and questioning every move made by their daughter • Feel that if they can intervene in all aspects of her life nothing bad will ever happen Daughter will often find this parent extremely overbearing and she will never learn how to make decisions for herself as well as she will feel suffocated and become defiant.
The Loving Hard-Ass Parent • They demonstrate that you can learn from your mistakes and be better for it and encourage their daughter to do the same. • These parents understand that there are things that their daughter is going to hide from them, BUT they don’t take it personally • They don’t blame others for their daughter behaviors • Love unconditionally yet hold accountable • Never make her feel ashamed of who she is or mistakes she has made
What Parents Should Instil P – Pride A – Acceptance R – Respect E – Encouragement N – Nobility T – Trust
Now that we can identify it, let’s do something about it! • Respect, responsibility and accountability are essential elements to dealing with Relational Aggression and must be maintained. • Every person has the right to feel safe, protected and respected
By teaching children that conflict is normal and a part of life, and by providing them with the skills to work through conflict, we can start to create peace in our homes, in our schools and in our society.
