Becoming a Love and Logic Parent

Becoming a Love and Logic Parent Leigh Ann Trice Sendera Ranch Elementary

What is Love and Logic? • Love and logic is a common sense approach to raising children that provides parents with easy-to-learn skills that create respect, responsibility, and good decision-making in youth. • Love allows children to grow through their mistakes. • Logic allows children to live with the consequences of their choices.

Two Rules of Love and Logic • Rule #1: Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, threats, or repeated warnings. • Adults set limits that are enforceable. • Adults provide choices within limits to share control and thinking. • Rule #2: When children misbehave and cause problems, adults hand these problems back in loving ways. • Adults provide strong doses of empathy before holding children accountable for the consequences of such mistakes. • Adults delay consequences, when necessary, so that they can respond with wisdom and compassion.

Four Steps to Responsibility • Step One: Give the child a task he/she can handle. • For best results, have the child describe in his/her own words how things will look when the task is finished

Four Steps to Responsibility • Step Two: Hope that the child “blows” it. • Opportunity for “real world” learning experience • Cost of learning less at this age

Four Steps to Responsibility • Step Three: Let equal parts of consequence and empathy do the teaching. • Reduces chances of adult expressing anger • Empathy reduces likelihood that child will spend time thinking about adult’s anger instead of on their own decisions

Four Steps to Responsibility • Step Four: Give the same task again. • Sends the message that people learn from their mistakes

How to be a “C.O.O.L.” Parent in a HOT situation • Control that is Shared • Ownership of the Problem • Opportunity for Thinking/Decision Making • Let Consequences and Empathy Do the Teaching

“C.O.O.L.” Formula “C” is for Control that’s Shared • “A child who feels he has some control over his life will spend little time and energy trying to manipulate and control the parent.” • Love and Logic allows parents to share control with their children on their terms.

“C.O.O.L.” Formula “C” is for Control that’s Shared But what does this look like? • You can give your child some level of control in his life by giving him the ability to choose between different options. • The Key to sharing this control is to make either choice acceptable to you as well as a viable option for your child. • We cannot use threats! • Only present choices that force your child to actually think and weigh his options. This will allow him to make a rational decision vs. reacting to a threat.

“C.O.O.L.” Formula “C” is for Control that’s Shared But what does this look like? • Find wording that is comfortable to you. • Remember, each choice has to be equally acceptable to you. • You must be willing to follow through with either choice.

“C.O.O.L.” Formula Expect kids to push the limits of control, and just be ready to give them acceptable choices!

“C.O.O.L.” Formula “O” is for Ownership of the Problem “A child who knows his problems are the concern of another, concerns himself with none of the problems.” • Who Owns the Problem? • Parenting Styles can decide who owns the problem. • Helicopter • Drill Sergeants • Consultants • How to Guide Children to Own and Solve Their Problems

“O” is for Ownership of the Problem Helicopters Helicopter parents hover, rescue, and protect. • The messages they send say: • You are fragile. You can not make it without me. • You need me to run interference. • You need me to protect you. • YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT IN LIFE WITHOUT ME!

“O” is for Ownership of the Problem Drill Sergeants Drill Sergeant parents say: “Do it! Do it now, or else!” • The messages they send say: • You can not think. • I have to do your thinking for you, boss you around, tell you what to do. • You are not capable of making it in life.

“O” is for Ownership of the Problem Consultants Consultant parents are always there to give advice and let the child make the decision, with the idea that they will let the child make as many mistakes as possible when the price tag is affordable. • The message consultant parents send says: • You would best do your own thinking because the quality of your life has a lot to do with your decisions. • Consultant parents take very good care of themselves in front of the kids… • They never tell a kid what to do. • They get better results by saying what they are going to do. • They offer choices and alternatives instead of orders. • When confronted with a problem, consultant parents use meaningful actions and few words. They wrap consequences in a loving blanket of empathy.

“O” is for Ownership of the Problem How to Determine When It is not Our Problem When we are upset about the child being upset, it is the child’s problem. Ask yourself, “What is going to happen to me if that problem does not get Solved?” If you answer ‘nothing,’ then it is the child’s problem. WARNING! Beware of how we, as parents, TWIST a problem around so we Think it is ours. (Whether or not to wear a coat…and who pays for the doctor.) It is almost as if we sometimes need it to be our problem.

“O” is for Ownership of the Problem • Determine who owns these problems. It may help you to ask: • Am I upset because he’s upset? • What happens to me personally? • How might I twist this problem to make it mine? My daughter does not seem to have any friends. Problem: Child? Parent? The teacher has called to complain that my Problem: Child? Parent? son took something that belonged to another child. My son is whining at the dinner table and does Problem: Child? Parent? not care for the food.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

“C.O.O.L.” Formula “O” is for Opportunity for Thinking • Love and Logic allows you to present your child with choices that make him use his brain! • This will engage the critical thinking process and promotes ownership.

“C.O.O.L.” Formula “O” is for Opportunity for Thinking • Fighting Words vs. Thinking Words • Fighting words • Do not give a choice, so kids will make their own choices; ones that may not be acceptable to you. • No thought process required, just reactions. • Thinking words • Gives kids a chance to make a good choice and to have ownership of their decisions. • Engages the thought process.

“C.O.O.L.” Formula “L” is for Let Empathy And Consequences Do the Teaching • Consequences vs. Punishments • Empathy and Consequences vs. Anger • Constructing Logical Consequences • How to Destroy the Teaching Value of a Logical Consequences

“L” is for Let Empathy And Consequences Do the Teaching Logical Consequences vs. Punishments

“L” is for Let Empathy And Consequences Do the Teaching When constructing logical consequences, take time to consider: What would happen to an adult, in the real world, who did the same kind of thing? How can I tie the time and place of the infraction to the consequence? How can I describe the consequence so that it moves the child into the thinking state? (Question are most effective.) Constructing Logical Consequences

Parent Resources • Love and Logic Institute, Inc. – Like us on Facebook for great articles, parenting tips and more! • www.loveandlogic.com – website • Through the website you can register for an emailed newsletter that gives great parenting support.

Parent Resources Raise children who are self-confident, motivated, and ready for the real world with this win-win approach to parenting. Your children will win because they’ll learn to solve their own problems while gaining the confidence they need to meet life’s challenges. And you’ll win because you’ll establish healthy control—without resorting to anger, threats, nagging or exhausting power struggles. Parenting with Love and Logic puts the fun back into parenting!

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DVDs

Famous Last Words • Jim Fay gets Love and Logic applied to him!

Becoming a Love and Logic Parent