Welcome Utah FACSE to: Dibble Training for: Connections: Relationships & Marriage Nancy Lenk Outreach Educator Nancy@DibbleInstitute.org
Grant Requirements • Natalie *Numbers *Lessons *Dates
INTRODUCTION: • Name • School • How did you learn about the training? • Something unique about yourself to help us remember you today.
The Dibble Institute • The Dibble Institute is a non-profit organization dedicated to helping young people learn skills which will enable them to have successful relationships and marriage. • It was founded by Charlie Dibble and his bride Helen in 1996
The Dibble Institute’s Mission isto help young people: • Navigate the world of romantic relationships • Be successful in developing healthy relationships • Construct a vision of marriage and healthy relationships
Relationships & Marriage Gives students the knowledge and skills needed to encourage personal growth and promote positive interpersonal relationships. Helps establish healthy, happy, stable relationships with family, friends, teachers, boy/girl friends and eventually husbands and wives
About the authorChar Kamper • 25+ years as an educator • Masters in Family Studies • Certified Family Life Educator • Mother of 3 • One granddaughter
Connections:Relationships & MarriageUNITS: Personality Relationships Communication Marriage
Section 1Personality • “What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think.” Seneca A.D. 64
LESSON 1 • Terms: Environment + Personality + Unique Heredity +Culture + Traits • Materials: * What It’s Like to be Me * Poster Page * Factors that Influence Personality • Lesson Plan • Lecture Notes
Lesson 1What’s it like to be me? • Choose a partner & sit across from them • Take turns being the speaker/ listener Follow “What it’s like to me” p. 3 and describe some of your favorites. • Speak on the topic for ONE minute • Now describe some of your skills & talents for ONE minute.
Our Personality Makes Us Unique Many factors influence our Personality Poster Page
Lesson 2Understanding Myself • Terms – perception + self-esteem + hierarchy + temperament + self-actualization + potential • Materials – Understanding Myself Better wksh. • Interview…Up Close wksh. A Hierarchy of Needs Toward Self- Actualization- overhead Personality- Needs that Direct Behavior (overhead)
Personality Needs That Direct Behavior • The need for control: • driven by the need to control self, others and relationships • produces a feeling of safely and power • if used positively=leadership • if used negatively=manipulation • The need to be superior: • must give more, do more, be more than others • over-commits to responsibility • sees things as a competition • one who must prove superiority, comes from low self esteem • The need for comfort and pleasure • avoids situations that could produce stress • tends to underachiever • avoids responsibility and conflict • tries to be undemanding, a peace seeker and adaptable to change • The need for approval: • has low self-esteem, fears failure and rejection • takes few risk, does not generate new ideas • has a nonconfrontive attitude • tries to appear friendly and supportive
Lesson 2Understand Myself Better Keirsey Bates Temperament Sorter * Read scoring instructions & explain * Have students take the assessment * Have students score the assessment * Sort group by 16 Combinations Each group should decide their 3 top distinguishing characteristics they bring to a relationship
Personality Types • Personality Types • SP SJ NF NT • Artisan Guardian Idealist Rational • ESTP ESTJ ENFJ ENTJ • ISTP ISTJ INFJ INTJ • ESFP ESFJ ENFP ENTP • ISFP ISFJ INFP IN • Sort groups by these 16 combinations • Each group should decide their 3 top distinguishing characteristics they bring to a relationship
Lesson 3Your Plan for Life Terms Change + Flexibility + future + Plan + Goals + Success Materials Your Plan for Life wksh
Lesson 3Your Plan for Life Changes in Your Life: Economic Status- Family Career Choice Physical Appearance Use page 12 of curriculum & write these categories across the page
Changes in Your Life • Divide the length of the page in 3 sections • Label one section – High School Today In 5-10years List 1-2 changes you have experienced in each life stage. Label them “positive +” and “negative –”
Section 2Relationships “When me becomes we”
Lesson 4Things Change Terms : + maturity + intentions + adaptation + interrelationships Materials: Things Change wksh. Positive Relationships wksh. Change Over Time (4-1 overhead)
ASPECTS OF MATURITY • PHYSICAL (ON OWN) • EMOTIONAL • SOCIAL • INTELLECTUAL
Signs of MaturityThe Mature Person is... • willing to wait for personal gratification, sees that success in life takes time. • able to make promises and keep them, comes through in a crisis, meets deadlines without complaining. • able to set realistic goals, willing to work toward accomplishing them without becoming distracted. • concerned for the welfare of others, doesn’t always need to put self first. • willing to give or accept an apology and move on, doesn’t have to say “I told you so.” • does not live life merely reacting to events, can control anger and settle differences without damage or violence.
Lesson 4Things Change Change Home Income/Money School Family Key Relationships Acquaintances (Relate to “Change Over Time” overhead)
We must experience growth & development to remain healthy. • Acquaintances • How are they different from key relationships? • Who is considered an acquaintance? • How deep is the bond? • How will it change as you mature? • Key Relationships • How are they different from acquaintances? • Why is family considered a key relationship? • How deep is the bond? • How will it change as you mature?
Key Relationship: Parent / Child GROWTH AND CHANGE Interdependence Independence Birth ChildhoodAdolescenceAdulthood • Parent/child relationships do not remain the same over time. • The child may be ready for independence before the parents are ready to give it. • By the time the child reaches adulthood the relationship should be one of interdependence. • Eventually, the roles may reverse if the aging parent becomes dependent on the child. Change Over Time
Lesson 5 Expectations • Terms: +expectation + core beliefs + events + issues • Materials: Expectations in Relationships (overhead) Events and Issues (overhead) Hidden Issues (overhead)
What are your expectations ifYou are Married? • I will read a card from “Married Options” cards from the Relationality Game • Move to the section of the room you that best describes your expectation. Look at the “Hidden Issues” overhead How do these issues lead to conflict? (How have your expectations changed in the last 5 years?)
It’s 10 MINUTE BREAK TIME
Lesson 6 Attractions Terms: + gender + courtesies + behaviors Materials: Attractions – wksh. Getting Acquainted – wksh. My Ideal Person – wksh. 10 Basic Ingredients for Friendship (overhead) Signs of Maturity (overhead)
“Perfect” Relationship….. • Ten Basic Ingredients for Friendship • Signs of Maturity • Attractions – p. 15
Getting Acquainted: Professional Relationship Teacher: Needs Expectations Teacher’s ideal principal Principal: Needs Expectations Principal’s ideal teacher As a group discuss ?’s 1-7 on page 16. Instead of date/ think of teacher or principal
The Brain Chemistry of Love For 3 to 6 months you receive a big shot of the “love chemicals.” Enjoy the great feelings….but remember you won’t see clearly until those chemicals settle down a bit. 23
Expectations of…. • Teachers….. Perfect principal from teacher’s point of view??? • Principals…… • Perfect teacher from principal’s point of view???
My Ideal Person • Evidence shows that people who have a realistic idea of the type of person they are looking for report more relationship satisfaction when they meet or marry someone who is like that.
Lesson 7 Dating & Emotions Breaking-Up Terms: + trust + jealousy + understanding + dishonesty + confidence + manipulation Materials: Dating & Emotions wksh. Breaking Up wksh. When Relationships End (overhead) Relationships: Steps to Recovery (overhead)
Breaking Up • Myth: All relationships are worth saving. • Myth: There is only one person with whom one can find happiness. • Myth: Although unfulfilling, it’s better to stay together than be alone. • Truth: Some relationships are not all that they could be and may even be emotionally or physically damaging. *************** Unless the breakup is mutual, both partners will experience uncomfortable feelings, a typical outcome of broken emotional ties with another person.
Communication patterns change. Spending quality time together is no longer a priority. Partners argue more and do not resolve their differences. There is evidence of physical and/or emotional abuse. The partners have different expectations for or about the relationship. Feelings change and the partners grow apart. Unresolved personality differences. Expectations may vary about sexual behavior within the relationship. One or both partners’ needs are no longer being met by the relationship. Be sure that breaking up is really what you want to do. Decide on a time and place. Tell your partner why you are breaking up. End the relationship completely. Do not make promises for the future. Understand that immediate emotions and future feelings will be sensitive for awhile. When Relationships End
BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS: STEPS TO RECOVERY Blame and self-doubt are destructive; because one relationship ends doesn’t mean others will. Try to think differently about the situation or person; interfere with thoughts that are painful and concentrate on things you like. For awhile, limit going to familiar places that hold memories; find new and different activities. Meet new people, learn a skill, join a group. Be patient, use the support of family and friends; there is no hurry, new relationships will develop.
Section 3Communication “Communications is to a relationship what breathing is to maintaining life.”
Lesson 8Communication Patterns Terms: +conflict + withdrawal + escalation +invalidation + impact + filters + intent + negative interpretation Materials: Family Patterns wksh. Types of Filters wksh. Overheads: * 4 Danger Signs * Escalation * Negative Interpretation * Withdrawal
Family Patterns • The way family members communicate with each other in large part influences how they interact in relationships outside of the home. • Identifies hidden family patterns • Different patterns lead to misunderstandings and conflict between people. • Self-awareness is a key factor in both verbal and nonverbal communication.
Four “Danger” Signs • Escalation • Invalidation • Negative Interpretations • Withdrawal (Refer to Overheads)
Lesson 9Dealing with Conflict Terms: + Compromise + Paraphrase Materials: Dealing with Conflict wksh.
Dealing With Conflict “If you want to have a great marriage, the way you handle differences matters more than what those differences are.” Fighting for Your Marriage
Negative Interactions Hurt Relationships
Practice Communication Styles Using “Floor” model p.28 or Using “Ear/Lips” model Self access you conflict pattern –p27 Choose a partner Turn to page 28 in the workbook- Practice both methods using a conflict card
Lesson 10Talking/ Listening Terms: + body language + verbal + cues +nonverbal Materials: Let’s Talk wksh. Listening wksh. Communication: Guideline for Listening (overhead) Four Vertical Communication Pattern Level Communication (both handouts)