Social Psychology David Myers 11e Attraction and Intimacy: Liking and Loving Others
Chapter Eleven • What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • What is love? • What Enables Close Relationships? • Who do Relationships End? • Live long dependence on one another • “….puts relationships at the core of our existence.” • A need to belong, connect to others in enduring relationships • A need for competence and autonomy and relatedness • (Deci & Ryan, 02) • Ostracism is painful
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Proximity • Geographical nearness; functional distance • Where did you meet your closest friend, romantic partner? • Interaction • Availability • Expected interaction • Who is perceived to be more attractive? • The person you expected to meet or one you didn’t expect to meet? Darley & Berscheid (‘67)
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Proximity • Anticipation of interaction • Mere exposure • Tendency for novel stimuli to be liked more or rated more positively after the rater has been repeatedly exposed to them • Especially things associated with oneself! • Exposure without awareness leads to liking (Zajonc) • Who’s image do we prefer? Mirror image or real one?
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Physical Attractiveness • Attractiveness and dating • Looks are a predictor of how often one dates • Are more men or women hooked on good looks? • Looks influence voting
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Physical Attractiveness • The Matching phenomenon • Tendency for men and women to choose as partners those who are a “good match” in attractiveness and other traits • Men advertise position, job status, wealth • Women advertise looks and youth • What % of men and women are “above average” in looks? • Men – 67% Women – 72% (self reported) Hitsch et al ‘06)
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Physical Attractiveness • Physical-attractiveness stereotype • Presumption that physically attractive people possess other socially desirable traits as well • First impressions • Is there an innate component? • Do attractive people make more money? • Is the "Beautiful is Good" stereotype accurate? • Attractive people are valued and favoured, and so many develop more social self-confidence • Self-fulfilling prophecy - explains why we think “beautiful is good stereotype
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Physical Attractiveness • Who is attractive? • Whatever people of any given place and time find attractive • Perfect average • Would you want to be the most average? • Symmetry
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Physical Attractiveness • Who is attractive? • Evolution and attraction • Assumption that beauty signals biologically important information • Health • Youth • Fertility • Why would symmetry be preferred?
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Physical Attractiveness • Who is attractive? • Social comparison • Contrast effect – exposure to more attractive people led to rating others and oneself as less attractive • What should you do about this? • Attractiveness of those we love • We see likable people as attractive
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Similarity versus Complementarity • Do birds of a feather flock together? • Likeness begets liking • Dissimilarity breeds dislike
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Similarity versus Complementarity • Do opposites attract? • Complementarity • Popularly supposed tendency, in a relationship between two people, for each to complete what is missing in the other • Has “opposites attracts” been reliably demonstrated with research?
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Liking Those Who Like Us • The “Power of the Bad” -Baumeister et al., ‘2001 • Which carries more weight? A good or bad reputation? • Attribution • Ingratiation • Use of strategies, such as flattery, by which people seek to gain another’s favor • But be careful to disguise your motive when ingratiating
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Liking Those Who Like Us • Attribution • Self-esteem and attraction • How we feel about ourselves determines how we feel about our relationships-esteem • Embrace the “rebound” to get a boost in self esteem! • Approval after disapproval is so rewarding! • Gaining another’s esteem (-) -> (+) Overheard evaluations enhances liking for the other (Aronson and Linder, ‘65) • Can you – should you be candid with your intimate other?
What Leads to Friendship and Attraction? • Reciprocal self-disclosure (S. Jourard) • Gradually as the relationship develops • Relationship Rewards • Reward theory of attraction • Theory that we like those whose behavior is rewarding to us or whom we associate with rewarding events • Proximity (exposure) • Attractive people – associative benefits • Similarity of attitudes • We like to be loved and like to love • We like those who like us
What Is Love? • Passionate Love • Emotional, exciting, and intense • Expressed physically • Sternberg’s triangle • Intimacy (liking) • Passion (infatuation) • Commitment (Decision • Romantic love (intimacy + passion) • Companionate love (intimacy + commitment) • Fatuous love (passion + commitment) • Consummate love (all three) • Intimacy + passion + commitment
What Is Love? • Passionate Love • Theory of passionate love • Two-factor theory of emotion (Schachter & Singer, ‘62) • Suggests that in a romantic context, arousal from any source, even painful experiences, can be steered into passion • Take him/her on a ride – literally (an arousing one) • Get the dopamine surging (Aron, ‘05) • “Adrenline makes the heart grow fonder” • ----But control the attributional object
What Is Love? • Passionate Love • Variations in love: culture and gender • Marriages for love versus arranged marriages • Men fall in lover more readily but fall out of love more slowly • Surprise! • Men – more focused on • Playful and physical side • Women – more focused on • Intimacy and concern for partner
What Is Love? • Companionate Love • Affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined • Occurs after passionate love fades
What Enables Close Relationships? • Attachment • Our need to belong is adaptive • Parents and children • Friends • Spouses or lovers
What Enables Close Relationships?- “Love is a biological imperative” • Attachment • Attachment styles • Secure attachment (70%) • Rooted in trust and marked by intimacy • Avoidant attachment (20%) • Avoiding closeness • Insecure attachment • Clinging, then indifferent or hostile
What Enables Close Relationships? • Equity • Condition in which the outcomes people receive from a relationship are proportional to what they contribute to it • Long-term equity • As people observe their partners being self-giving, their sense of trust grows • Perceived reciprocation is a non-issue • No strings attached • Perceived equity and satisfaction • Faithfulness, happy sex, sharing household chores
What Enables Close Relationships? • Self-Disclosure • Revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others • Disclosure reciprocity • Tendency for one person’s intimacy or self-disclosure to match that of a conversational partner • Chris Kyle and the American Sniper… • What role did self-disclosure play? • “Women express…men repress” (Kate Millett, ‘75)
How Do Relationships End? • Divorce • Rates varied widely by country • Individualistic cultures have more divorce than do communal cultures
How Do Relationships End? • Detachment Process • Alternatives to exiting a relationship • Loyalty • Waiting for conditions to improve • Neglect • Ignore the partner and allow the relationship to deteriorate • Voice concerns • Take active steps to improve relationship • Postscript: get real! • Said the Skin Horse to the rabbit
Relationship advice The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work John M. Gottman & Nan Silver 1999 Crown pub