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Parenting Workshop Adolescent Hood. Mary Ann Bishay [email protected] What is Adolescence?. Time of transition and change “Adults in training” Incredible changes that involve many areas of her life: neurological, hormonal, emotional, social, and spiritual.

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what is adolescence
What is Adolescence?
  • Time of transition and change
  • “Adults in training”
  • Incredible changes that involve many areas of her life: neurological, hormonal, emotional, social, and spiritual
adolescent psychosocial development
Adolescent Psychosocial Development
  • Teenagers are seeking autonomy
  • They are separating from their parents in order to establish identities of their own and their own value system
erikson s psychosocial theory
Erikson’s Psychosocial Theory
  • Individuals progress through eight psychosocial stages during the life span
  • Defined by conflict involving the individuals relationship with the social environment
  • Erikson believed that a healthy personality depends on acquiring the appropriate basic attitudes in the proper sequence.
identity versus role confusion
Identity versus Role Confusion
  • “Who am I”
  • For the first time adolescents are seriously looking to the future and considering an occupational identity
  • Identity crisis
adolescent egocentrism
Adolescent Egocentrism
  • Imaginary audience
  • Personal fable
common adolescent disorders
Common Adolescent Disorders
  • Opposition defiant Disorder
  • Conduct Disorder
  • ADHD
  • Depression
  • Eating disorders
  • Anxiety Disorders
adolescent cognitive development
Adolescent Cognitive Development
  • Corpus callosum
    • Intelligence, consciousness, and self awareness
  • Prefrontal cortex
    • Emotional control, impulse restraint, and rational decision making
how can i be a successful parent
“How can I be a successful parent”?

God's word provides the best way to raise children.

god s word for parents
God’s Word For Parents
  • “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.” (2 Timothy 3:16)
  • Raising godly children is a good work, and the Scriptures instruct us in righteousness and equip us for good works. (2 Timothy 3:16,17 )
how can i be a successful parent1
“How can I be a successful parent”?
  • Key to raising kids is to have a plan!
how can i be a successful parent2
“How can I be a successful parent”?
    • What are your goals for your kids?
  • God’s Goal for Your Children
      • The Main Goal Is to Train Children to Serve God , So They Can Receive Eternal Life.
  • What are your goals for yourselves as parents?
god s goals for you as a parent
God’s Goals for You As A Parent
  • “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
  • “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
god s goals for you as a parent1
God’s Goals for You As A Parent
  • “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.” (Genesis 18:19)
  • Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.” (Psalms 34:11)
god s goals for you as a parent2
God’s Goals for You As A Parent
  • Joshua declared, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15)
  • “Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” (Malachi 2:15)
god s goals for you as a parent3
God’s Goals for You As A Parent
  • “For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him." (Genesis 18:19)
  • “In that day I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken concerning his house: when I begin, I will also make an end. For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knows; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not. And therefore I have sworn unto the house of Eli, that the iniquity of Eli's house shall not be purged with sacrifice nor offering for ever.” (1 Samuel 3:12-14)
generation gap
Generation Gap
  • The distance between generations in values, behaviors, and knowledge, marked by a mutual lack of understanding
  • Often time the generation gap can be problematic to families. It can cause misunderstandings, confusion to each individual in the families behavior, etc
  • Its important to be aware of these gaps and the difficulties and challenges that may arise due to these gaps
what your teen is thinking
What your teen is thinking…

1. “If my parents would just leave me alone, everything would be fine.”

2. “My parents are so out of touch”

3. My parents are control freaks

4. “All my parents care about is…”

signs that teenagers are feeling frustrated and hurt
Signs that teenagers are feeling frustrated and hurt.
  • She continually tells you that it doesn’t matter when you let her down.
  • He overreacts to seemingly neutral comments
  • She goes out of her way to avoid you
  • He tells you about his friends’ parents who are “so cool.”
  • She abandons any efforts to gain your approval
  • He insists that everything is fine when

his appearance and actions suggest


what your teen is thinking1
What your teen is thinking…

5. “They don’t even know me”

self esteem
Self Esteem
  • How often do you tell your children you are proud of them?
  • There is a drop in self esteem beginning at age 12.
  • Encouragement vs. criticism
your contribution to building self esteem
Your contribution to building self Esteem
  • Use praise liberally
  • Do you interact with your teen more through criticism than anything else?
  • Catch your children being good
  • Set achievable and reasonable tasks for your children
your contribution to building self esteem1
Your contribution to building self esteem
  • Ask for their opinions
    • This lets them feel that they’re being helpful, and that you respect them and are open to their thoughts
    • Look for areas where they excel
    • Teenagers are pleased to learn that their opinions matter to you!
    • When they are convinced that you’re genuinely interested in what they think, they are more likely to share their thoughts and ask you for your own opinions. Not to mention raise their self esteem!
adolescent suicide
Adolescent suicide
  • Suicidal ideation
  • Parasuicide
  • Warning signs
    • Use of drugs
    • Giving away prized possessions
    • Saying contacts
    • Talking, writing, or listening to music with death themes
  • The internet has been linked to
    • teenage depression
    • isolation
    • suicide risk.
  • Teens are creating “cyber relationships” to supplant “real time relationships”
  • Pornography
peer groups
Peer Groups
  • Vital source of emotional support and approval
  • Adolescents are not assigned to peer groups at random, they usually choose to associate with those similar to themselves
the power of peer pressure
The Power of Peer Pressure
  • Social pressure from members of your group to accept certain beliefs or act in certain ways in order to be accepted
  • “The Nurture Assumption”, by Judith Harris
  • Time
    • your teen’s peers get 21 hours, on average
the power of peer pressure1
The Power of Peer Pressure
  • Kids usually seek out other kids who are similar to themselves
    • Internal similarities such as sharing feelings of anger, depression, self loathing, or social isolation.
    • Similarity of painful life experiences, like self absorbed parents, broken homes, or an inability to do well in school.
the power of peer pressure2
The Power of Peer Pressure
  • The acting out is only a symptom of the real problem.
  • Is the issue peer pressure or emotional pain?
what the bible tells us about choosing our peers
What the Bible tells us about choosing our Peers
  • 1 Corinthians 15:33 - Do not be deceived: "Evil company corrupts good habits."
  • Proverbs 13:20 – “He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed.”
what you as a parent can you do
What You, As A Parent Can You Do
  • Have a PLAN!
  • Get to know your children's friends. Have them visit in your home
  • Know the people your teens will be with, where they are going, when they'll be back, etc.
  • Train your children, from a very early age, to choose the right kind of friends
what you as a parent can you do1
What You, As A Parent Can You Do
  • Give your children opportunities to associate with other teens you approve of
  • Train your children to talk about the gospel with their peers
    • Children should learn to invite other children to Bible classes, discuss right and wrong, set up Bible studies, etc.
  • If parents determine some young person is a harmful influence on their child, they have every right to intervene
    • intervene if you must in a wise way
problems teens face at school
Problems Teens Face at School
  • * Lying* Profanity, dirty jokes, etc. (students and

teachers)* Drinking* Violence and fighting (students with students or

with teachers)* Immodesty, lack of dress codes* Coed gym - immodest uniforms* Smoking* Peer pressure/bad crowds

problems teens face at school1
Problems Teens Face at School
  • Drugs (7 of 8 students personally knew children who used drugs).
  • Ridicule and making fun of children who are good or different
  • Gossip, slander
  • Cheating
  • Stealing and vandalism
  • Dancing
  • Disrespect for teachers and parents
  • False goals (popularity, wealth)
problems teens face at school2
Problems Teens Face at School
  • Classes that justify evolution, abortion, homosexuality, situation ethics, contraceptives, divorce, premarital sex, disrespect for parents, etc.
  • Reading assignments with immorality, violence, etc.
  • Sexual promiscuity - petting at school, pregnant girls, children talking openly about sexual relations, everyone expected to do it, etc.
  • Schedule conflicts with church activities
entertainment television movies and music
Entertainment: Television, Movies, and Music
  • Drug and alcohol abuse
  • The occult - witchcraft, Satanism, astrology, sorcery, etc.
  • Violence, murder, suicide
  • Sexual promiscuity - fornication, adultery, homosexuality, immodesty and even nudity
  • Profanity, cursing, obscenity
  • Rebellion against parents, government, God and the Bible
  • The average American watches TV 50 hours per week - ten hours more than the average workweek
  • A study of 58 hours of prime-time TV revealed: 5 rapes, 7 homosexual acts, 28 acts of prostitution, 41 examples of sexual relations between unmarried people. But this study was in 1983!
  • It has been estimated that, by the time the average child reaches age 18, he will have witnessed more than 15,000 murders on TV or in movies.
  • In 1991 the National Coalition On Television Violence estimated that, if TV violence had never been introduced, each year the US would have 10,000 fewer murders, 70,000 fewer rapes, 1,000,000 fewer motor vehicle thefts, 2,500,000 fewer burglaries, and 10,000,000 fewer acts of larceny. Crime rates would be half what they are now.
  • Here is a survey of the contents of PG and PG-13 movies in 1988:
    • Nearly 1/4 have the "f-word.“
    • 61% take God's name in vain.
    • 71% contain vulgar references to excretion, intercourse, or genitals.
    • 50% imply sexual intercourse
    • 13% show intercourse
    • 30% show explicit nudity
    • 75% include moderate or severe violence
    • 74% depict alcohol or drug abuse
god our true parental example
God: Our true parental example
  • The Scriptures often compare God's

relationship to His children to a father‘s

relationship to his earthly children.

(Matthew7:9-11, Hebrew 12:5-11)

god our true parental example1
God: Our true parental example
  • “This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.”

(Joshua 1:8)

types of parenting styles
Types of Parenting Styles
  • Authoritarian
  • Authoritative Parents
  • Permissive Parents
  • Authoritarian parents make the rules, expect unquestioned obedience from their children, punish misbehavior (often physically), and value obedience to authority. Rather than giving a rationale for a rule, authoritarian parents consider “because I said so” as a sufficient reason for obedience.
  • Parents using this parenting style tend to be uncommunicative, unresponsive, and somewhat distant.
  • One research study found that preschool children disciplined in this way tend to be withdrawn, anxious, and unhappy.
  • Associated with low intellectual performance and lack of social skills, especially in boys.
  • Extreme Authoritarian parents, often, if not blindly obeyed, tend to respond with anger, which has potentially negative long term consequences.
    • Anger is precisely the wrong emotion to direct at children if they are to thrive, to achieve to be well adjusted and happy, and to become effective parents in the next generation.
authoritative parents
Authoritative Parents
  • These parents set high but realistic and reasonable standards, enforce limits, and at the same time encourage open communication and independence. They are willing to discuss rules and supply rationales for them.
  • Knowing why the rules are necessary makes it easier for children to internalize them and to follow them, whether in the presence of their parents or not.
  • Authoritative parents are generally warm, nurturing, supportive, and responsive, and they show respect for their children and their opinions.
authoritative parents1
Authoritative Parents
  • Their children are the most mature, happy, self reliant, self controlled, assertive, socially competent, and responsible.
  • This kind of parenting style is associated with higher academic performance, independence, higher self esteem, and internalized moral standards in middle childhood and adolescence.
  • Research also shows a strong relationship between authoritative parenting and high achievement and feelings of high self worth. Children who experience authoritative parenting also tend to expect success, not failure, and to be active rather than passive.
permissive parents
Permissive Parents
  • Although they are rather warm and supportive, permissive parents make few rules or demands and usually do not enforce those that are made. They allow children to make their own decisions and control their own behavior. children raised in this manner are the most immature, impulsive, and dependent, and they seem to be least self controlled and self reliant.
  • This parenting style is associated with drinking problems, promiscuous sex, delinquent behavior, and poor academic performance in adolescents.
  • In a study of about 2,300 adolescents, those with permissive parents were more likely to use alcohol and drugs and to have conduct problems and less likely to be engaged in school than were those with authoritative or authoritarian parents. The authoritarian style was related to more psychological distress and less self reliance and self confidence in adolescents.
research on parenting styles
Research on Parenting Styles
  • The authoritative parenting style was associated with psychosocial competence for adolescents.
  • Female adolescents who perceive their parents as authoritative have higher levels of involvement in community activities.
expressing love
Expressing Love
  • With everything else going on in the troublesome teen years, it often becomes especially difficult for parents to express that love and for teens to feel it on a regular and consistent basis
  • Young people who feel their parents’ love are less likely to get into trouble.
expressing love1
Expressing Love
  • Feeling loved encourages pride and self worth in teens, and places extra value on their actions
  • It makes teens more receptive to your feedback, diminishes their need to seek harmful connections outside the home, and increases their desire to participate in activities of which you approve
  • Translating those messages of love and care into action may not be easy
    • It requires you to seek opportunities to demonstrate your affection
  • When your teenager feels that you share in both his or her successes and their disappointments, they begin to gradually count on you, knowing you’re there for him through thick and thin
expressing love2
Expressing Love
  • Knowing vs. Feeling loved
  • What we know cognitively and what we feel emotionally can be very different
    • Of the two, you want to focus on your child’s emotions
the bible and what it says about love
The Bible and what it says about Love
  • And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

(1Corinthians 13:13)

  • “If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.” (1Corinthians 13:2 )
the bible and what it says about love1
The Bible and what it says about Love
  • So he answered and said, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,’ and ‘your neighbor as yourself.’” (Luke 10:27)
god as our parental figure
God as our Parental Figure
  • God loves us unconditionally
    • Nourishes us with His love
    • Open arms
    • Forgiving
    • Doesn’t hold grudges
    • Approachable
  • What can we learn from Him as a parental figure?
simple ways to demonstrate unconditional love
Simple Ways to Demonstrate Unconditional Love
  • Make it a point to regularly compliment your child in a genuine way. Comment on their talents at piano, his good grade on a history test, her computer expertise.
  • Try to be thoughtful and considerate of their feelings. Remember the names of their friends, musical interests, and their other likes and dislikes.
  • Share in their successes and failures. Convey your pleasure in their achievements, and let them understand that you know how they feel in the face of disappointment.
simple ways to demonstrate unconditional love1
Simple Ways to Demonstrate Unconditional Love

4. Accept them as they are. Don’t try to mold them into a clone of yourself. Let them know that you respect their individuality.

5. Be there, go to his football games, or her soccer games, their chorus recital, school plays, etc. It will make a difference to them.

6. Tell them that you love them, regardless of whether they say it back to you.

but my kids don t want to spend time with me
“But my kids don’t want to spend time with me…”
  • Physically vs. emotionally spending time with your children
  • Importance of Emotional connection
  • Quality time vs. quantity time
parent teen conflict
Parent Teen Conflict
  • Research indicates that teens begin to distance themselves from their parents at puberty and that conflict increases
  • Most research on families show that conflict is part of growing up but that parent-child relationships that are very high in conflict and low in support impede normal adolescent development.
parent teen conflict1
Parent Teen Conflict
  • Conflict can arise when an adolescents drive for independence clashes with the parents tradition of control.
  • Is conflict normal?
  • Do not fear conflict
  • There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.(1John 4:18)
positive attitude towards conflict
Positive Attitude towards Conflict
  • Problems are a time to strengthen relationships
  • Christ focused on positives
    • “Keep watch and pray that you may not come into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Mark 14:38).
  • Your attitude can turn your problems into blessings.
  • Whether or not the problem becomes a blessing depends on you. He desires to turn all things into blessings (Rom 8:28).
  • Your attitude is contagious to your child.
cool parents
Cool Parents?
  • Your children aren’t looking for cool parents but searching for people he can respect
  • Your primary concern is for the long-term welfare of your child, and not for her approval
  • Good parents would like to be friends with their kids, but they choose to be a parent first
monitoring your teen
Monitoring Your Teen
  • Parents awareness of what their children are doing, where and with whom
beware of the overly controlling overly critical parents
Beware of the overly controlling & overly critical parents
  • Too much parental interference and control predict adolescent depression
  • Psychological control
  • Adolescents need freedom to feel competent, trusted, and loved
  • Parent monitoring may be harmful when it does not indicate a close connection with the adolescent but rather it derives from harsh, suspicious parenting
  • Having a balance is key!
healthy monitoring
Healthy Monitoring
  • Often Parents ask: “What is the best way to monitor what my kids are doing? I sometimes have no idea what they are up to.”
  • Solution: ASK
  • Some parents are afraid to ask or think they won’t get a respectful answer. If that’s the way you feel, ASK anyway.
healthy monitoring1
Healthy Monitoring
  • Sometimes our kids assume that our asking leads to judging, lecturing or worse
    • Preface your question by pointing out that you’re just gathering information
  • Observe them with their friends
why is communication important
Why is Communication Important?
  • Good communication is a fundamental human need
  • When unable to communicate our feelings to someone, we react with frustration, embarrassment, or anger
  • Depression, poor self-esteem, and feelings of isolation and alienation can result from repeated inability to communicate with and relate to other people
why is communication important1
Why Is Communication Important?
  • Good communication creates an atmosphere of love, mutual respect, and understanding, without screaming, demanding, and threatening
  • Harmonious communication is essential in helping to keep your children out of trouble and dealing with trouble if it arises.
What is your communication channel like with your child. Do you see more of this?
  • Parent: How was school today?
  • Teen: Fine
  • Parent: Anything interesting happen?
  • Teen: Nope
  • Parent: So what’s happening in your life these days?
  • Teen: Nothing
  • Make sure you have the other person’s attention
  • Establish eye contact, observe what that person is doing at the moment
  • Find the golden opportunities to talk to your child and seize them
good listening vs bad listening
Good listening vs. Bad listening

Bad listening:

  • Teen: “I hate school. I’m gong to drop out.”
  • Parent: “That’s ridiculous. You don’t hate school. And I forbid you to drop out.”
  • Teen: (THINKING) Whatever, you never get me. If I can’t drop out, I’ll just fail out.
good listening vs bad listening1
Good listening vs. Bad listening
  • Good listening
  • Teen: I hate school. I’m going to drop out”
  • Parent: ‘I’m sorry school feels so terrible. Can you tell me what it’s like for you?
  • Teen: THINKING: I feel better just having brought this up. It’s nice Mom is not flipping out on me. Maybe I’ll keep talking. Really don’t want to drop out, but I’m having this problem…
good listening vs bad listening2
Good listening vs. Bad listening
  • Bad listening:
  • Teen: “Not one person in this world loves me, especially you.”
  • Parent: “That’s crazy, honey. I love you, your dad loves you, your…
  • Teen: THINKING: “I’ll just shut up since apparently I don’t even know what I feel.”
good listening vs bad listening3
Good listening vs. Bad listening
  • Good listening:
  • Teen: “Not one person in this world loves me, especially you.”
  • Parent: “It must be awful to feel like that. I’m really sorry. What tell you that no one loves you?
  • Teen: THINKING: “Maybe Mom does care a little bit. She’s actually listening to me without telling me what to think.”
speak wisely to your child
Speak wisely to your child
  • When speaking to our child we are:
    • Repetitive
    • Predictable
    • Challenging ultimatums
    • In their face
    • LOUD
tips for speaking to your teen when conveying difficult messages
Tips for speaking to your teen when conveying difficult messages

1. Use fewer words in shorter sentences. The more you talk, the less they listen

2. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself!

3. Lower your voice. The louder you are the less they hear

4. Keep your hands down, especially when your kid is upset. Hands in faces are very provocative to teens. Never crowd them physically or verbally

tips for speaking to your teen when conveying difficult messages1
Tips for speaking to your teen when conveying difficult messages
  • Use I statements. Speak more about your feelings than their behaviors. Talk about how sad you were when he was mean to his sister, rather than what’s wrong with him
  • Organize your thoughts before you start to talk. This art of adolescent communication is hard word. Edit the first draft of what you want to say before you speak. “Open brain first, then mouth.”
  • Gage your kid’s mood before starting tough discussions. Monday mornings at 7am are bad times to bring up school issues. Timing is everything in the world of adolescent discourse.
tips for speaking to your teen when conveying difficult messages2
Tips for speaking to your teen when conveying difficult messages

8. Don’t cram too much into one conversation. Take

frequent breaks if you see frustration building on either side. Once it gets hot, you won’t get anything good done anyway. Don’t hesitate to say, “Let’s continue this tomorrow.”

9. Allow your kid to use the pressure-relief valve of walking out at times. Although it might appear as simple defiance, it might also be their way of avoiding snap-outs. Let them know that walking away is ok if you pick up the conversation again later.

tips for speaking to your teen when conveying difficult messages3
Tips for speaking to your teen when conveying difficult messages

10. Don’t go to ultimatums unless absolutely necessary. Kids see ultimatums as challenges to be risen to no matter what the cost. If you feel an ultimatum coming, it’s time for a time-out.

11. Don’t talk down to your adolescent.

when conflict arises remember love
When conflict arises remember…LOVE
  • Lay your problem at God’s feet, pray
  • Observe and listen: balance how much you talk with how much they talk
  • Validate their feelings/frustrations
  • Establish whether this is a good time to

discuss the issue

what teens look for c a r t
What teens look for….C.A.R.T.
  • Care
  • Acceptance
  • Respect
  • Trust
communication tips
Communication Tips
  • Don’t interrogate or lecture
  • They are not on the witness stand
  • Teenagers are very sensitive to intensive questioning and tend to withdraw when pressed
  • If you have serious questions that must be answered, pick only the most important ones to ask
communication tips1
Communication Tips
  • Balance how much you talk with how much your teen talks
  • Don’t bring up past grievances, or faults that they have done
    • If it was in the past, keep it there.
what the bible tells us about communication
What the Bible Tells Us About Communication
  • So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; (James 1:19).
  • Talk to your children not yell at them
  • Communication is more than just talk. Jesus said that “out of the heart’s abundance the mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45).
    • So through good communication, we learn from others and reveal things about ourselves.