Elaine Wilson Parenting Specialist

1. Brenda Sheik Home Economist Tammy Fowler Assistant Parenting Specialist Elaine Wilson Parenting Specialist

2. Divorce changes a family.Consider children’s ages and interests when making family decisions.Lifestyle the child experiences.

3. The child’s interests determine appropriate: • parenting activities • visitation arrangements • explanations of divorce • family lifestyles

4. Co-parenting is lifelong. • Stress management techniques strengthens children and the family. • Use support services.

5. AGENDA • 6:30 pm Registration • 6:35 pm Introduction • 6:45 pm Positive Aspects of Divorce • 7:00 pm Managing Stress • 7:20 pm Break • 7:30 pm Development and Divorce • 8:00 pm Referrals • 8:30 pm Attendance

6. You will learn: • how to talk about your family lifestyle • how to manage stress • wise custody and visitation • how to co-parent

7. Positive Features of Co-Parenting Families • Fastest growing family type • Strong parent-child relationships • Brothers and sisters close

8. Children Learn • home management skills • to be cautious about marriage • self reliance • realistic expectations of adults

9. Managing Stress • Maintain routines • Talk about feelings • Delegate • Release tension

10. Grief • Denial • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance

11. HELPFUL HINTS FROM RESEARCH

12. At all ages children need: Predictable, dependable routines. Attention to abilities and interests. Parents who communicate. Friends for support and relaxation. Help managing fear, stress and anger. Stable adults. Reassurance.

13. Stages of Divorce 1. Disillusionment - giving up 2. Erosion - things get worse 3. Detachment - emotional distance 4. Physical Separation - moves out 5. Mourning - grief, sadness 6. Second Adolescence - acting out, wild, crazy 7. Resolution - calm, stable, single person

14. Children can feel all of the emotions that adults feel. Abandonment Denial Disappointment Fear Guilt Insecure Rejection Shock Sense of something terrible.

15. Explaining divorce to children Goal 1 - Still parents Goal 2 - Mutual decision Goal 3 - Get help Goal 4 - Communicate

16. Key Concepts Marriage ends. Parenthood continues. Mutual decision. Brothers and sisters bond. The divorce is permanent. Other people can help us. The divorce was a “grown up” decision.

17. Lifelong Process Changing understanding Blame Guilt Responsibility Permanent Accept change

18. Infant and Toddler Secure routine Holding and cuddling Simple explanations Basic needs Verbal and physical assurance of love and protection. Set limits and provide consistent follow through. Parent needs to seek support from others.

19. Preschooler Tell 1-2 weeks before a change. Parent model. Predictable, stable routine. Make few changes. Introduce necessary changes gradually.

20. Preschooler (continued) Give verbal and physical reassurance. Avoid unnecessary separation. Assure child of your return. Read aloud age appropriate books on family. Encourage play.

21. School-age Tell as soon as possible. Needs sense of family. Do family projects and activities. Stable school and social activities with parents involved. Reassurance that parents will continue as parents. Be clear that divorce is permanent. Encourage play and exercise.

22. Teenage Tell as soon as possible. Allow child time to handle feelings. Structure and routine. Avoid power struggles. Be available. Be clear that divorce is permanent. Encourage physical exercise. Maintain parent role. Maintain adult privacy.

23. Arrangements for Being with the Non-custodial Parent Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs Infant child’s 1-4 hrs 2 x’s per wk routine home familiar place Toddler outside 1 day 1 x per wk favorite child’s no overnight objects home routine Pre- outside overnight 1 x per wk favorite school child’s 1 day objects home 1 week pattern

24. Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs School- outside weekend 1 x per wk belongings in age child’s to 6 wks each home home parent involved predictable pattern Teenager outside few min. 1 contact peers child’s 1 yr or per negotiable home more week activities inside employment dorm

25. Infant within child’s home 1-4 hours 2 times each week no overnights regular routine

26. Toddler • outside child’s home • take favorite objects along • entire day • visit at least once a week • no overnights • maintain routine

27. Preschooler • outside child’s home • take favorite objects along • overnight to one week • at least one time each week • predictable pattern

28. School-age • outside child’s home • one time each week • own belongings in each home • overnight to six weeks • one time each week • predictable pattern • parent involvement in activities

29. Teenager • outside child’s home or in dorm room or apartment • peer relations, activities, employment, independence, mobility • few minutes to one year or longer • at least weekly contact • negotiable routine

30. Developmentally Appropriate Arrangements More visitation is generally better than less. Children adjust better when parents are not hostile. Greater distance requires greater effort. Telephone calls, letter, fax and e:mail supplement time together. Child’s needs take precedence over adults needs.

31. OKLAHOMA COOPERATIVE EXTENSION SERVICE