Will it be Door # ....... 1 2 3 4 5 6
Physical Attraction “It feels good.” Rape or incest Pressure To “prove” love. To “prove” adult status. Rebellion Begin dating at an early age No future long-term goals Curiosity Lack of family values Want to get pregnant. Drunk or high Dating older guy or girl “It just happened.” Feeling unloved Going Steady a long time Parents are not home a lot Factors Influencing unintended or increased sexual activity: Which reasons do you think are “good” reasons to have sexual intercourse?
This lesson is mainly for those who haven't crossed the line, and for those who might have and wondered if they have made a mistake and would like to quit before they compound their losses. • Sexual activity at your age is a big gamble, and once you get involved in it, you have a lot more to lose than you have to gain. • All sexual choices bring consequences. What do you have to lose / consequences? What are benefits of abstinence? Most or Moment
Dating Guidelines are… • A clear set of VALUES & GOALS • Designed to protect teens from situations they may not be able to handle. • HOW? • “The chief cause of unhappiness and failure is sacrificing what is wanted most for what is wanted at the moment.” STATE Dating guidelines
DEFINITIONS: • Arm around shoulder / waist, Holding Hands, Kissing: • Making Out: Heavy kissing and close physical contact. • Petting: Exploring each other's bodies up to but not including intercourse. • Intercourse: Physical sexual contact between the individuals involving genitalia of both. (includes oral, anal, digital) • Dating: Casually dating a person, the relationship may be very casual and a friends only basis. Those involved in this type of relationship are most likely dating other people. • Going steady: A progression of a relationship to the point that the couple is dating each other exclusively. • Engagement / Courtship: Dating one person only with the intention or agreement that you will marry—this agreement is usually accompanied by some token such as a ring. • Marriage: Men and women are joined in a special kind of social and legal dependence for the purpose of founding and maintaining a family unit.
Commitment Funnel • In the Funnel of Commitment, most of us want to belong to someone and have someone belong to us. The excitement and thrill of the relationship moves us further and further into the Intimacy Funnel. • Just as gravity would naturally pull you down a funnel, making it hard to stay near the top and not slip all the way through, our natural desires urge us through each level making it more slippery and harder to pull ourselves out of it until we find ourselves at the bottom of the funnel. • “How and Why? I am strong?” trapped
How hard was it to escape?How easy was it to capture? • The longer you stay in a risky situation, the more likely it is that you will make an unwise decision. • Make the decision before you get involved and get out at the first sign of trouble rather than waiting around to see what will happen. • Because when it comes to…..
Intimacy Funnel • In the funnel of intimacy, the bodyhas many signals that urge us to go on from step to step. Only the brain signals "let's stop“, but nerves in the mouth and tongue during a simple kiss, get us thinking about more intimacy.
females males • Guys are generally aroused more quickly than girls: by smell, by the sight of anything sexual ("Playboy" magazine is much more popular than "Playgirl"), by dreams, and close dancing. • Girls take a good deal of sexual contact to create arousal equal to the guys.
SIGNALS • Normal embracing during kissing touches nerves that get us thinking about exploring other parts of the body. Each step urges you on to the next step. • Guys get outspoken pressure from friends and society that it is expected that they make sexual passes. Guys feel they have to "live up" to the masculine stereotypes of sexual aggressiveness. • Girls more often get the opposite message. • Girls send out signals to guys. Sometimes they don't even realize the kind of signals they are sending when they dress and behave the way they do.
SLIPPING THROUGH THE INTIMACY FUNNEL • Both guys and girls will move down the funnel until they reach a "point of urgent need" where control is lost, and physical need takes over (usually more quickly for guys). • Girls may think they have everything under control, are enjoying the pleasurable feelings, when they suddenly realize that the guy has reached that "point of urgent need". She may then find that his need for physical release has become stronger than his concern for her, and she may not be able to stop them from slipping down the funnel. • It takes two to keep in control of the situation. • It is very dangerous to keep getting to the steps in petting where you work up to a fever-pitch then try to apply the brakes. That degree of tension is hard to handle; sooner or later, you will find the brakes just are not there.
COMPARE THE TWO FUNNELS:The speed down each funnel varies • It can take years, or it can happen in one night. (sex happens in one night more often than marriage in one night) • Girls are usually more interested in pushing down the Commitment Funnel. Guys control how far and how fast (guys ask, girls accept). • Guys are usually more interested in pushing down the sexual Intimacy Funnel. Girls control how far and how fast (she decides how far to let him go).
COMPARE THE TWO FUNNELS: • Girls and guys will use one funnel to bargain for the other: Girls give sex to get love and Guys give love to get sex!! • How might that backfire for girls? • (She gives in sexually to get him to love her, just to discover that this kind of love only lasts until she gets her clothes back on, leaving her feeling used and degraded.) • How might that backfire for guys? • (He makes promises just to get her into bed with him, but they get pregnant and he gets trapped into promises he never meant to keep.)
COMPARE THE TWO FUNNELS: • The earlier in age one enters the funnels, the longer one is faced with the problem of fighting gravity down the funnel. • The more you date one person, the slipperier the funnel becomes. • It is easier to break off a relationship than it is to back up the funnel. • A relationship is usually broken up when couples disagree on continuing down the funnel. It is almost impossible to back up a funnel. If you want to go to the top of the funnel, you will have to break off the relationship and find someone else to date.
COMPARE THE TWO FUNNELS: • Once you have gone down the funnel, future funnels are more slippery. • Once you have traveled down a funnel with a person, a separation from that person does not put you back at the top of the funnel. When you are back together again, you will continue on from the point at which you were separated. • Going down the intimacy funnel gives girls a different reputation than guys ("slut" versus "stud").
Too often trouble starts out as fun. • How well could you control where the penny would stop? • How much control did you have over the penny once it stared moving? • We do not always have control over exactly what happens in our lives? When do we and when do we not? • How are our actions affected by the decisions we make? • How can our decisions get us into trouble? • How can our decisions keep us out of trouble? • It was hard to stop the penny right next to the edge. How hard is it to make a good decision when you are in the middle of a situation? How hard is it for fun to cross the line and turn into trouble? Have fun and experience life to the fullest, but be careful not to cross the line.
THE NATURAL BALANCE • For any relationship to grow, there needs to be a balance between intimacy and commitment. If this balance gets too far out of line, then it will jeopardize the relationship. INTIMACYCOMMITMENT Hold hands Date Kiss Go Steady Making Out Engagement Petting Marriage Full Intimacy Marriage • If a couple is dating and kissing, this is probably not too far out of balance. However, if a couple is dating and involved in full intimacy, then there is not enough commitment for that much intimacy. If a couple is about to be married and has never kissed, this is also out of balance and not very good for the relationship.
So just in case you are wondering…. Premarital Sex is okay if………
1. It does not conflict with your: • A-IMPORTANTVALUES: if you have pre-marital sex, what do you value? • B-MEASUREMENT STANDARDS: How would I feel about myself if I had/ am having sex as a teen. • C-RELIGIOUS BELIEFS • D- GOALS: How will sex affect my goals A goal you have wanted to complete
2. You are prepared financially, socially and emotionally to handle any and all possible consequences including: • A- Pregnancy: without needing to depend on others for help with the outcome of it. • B- Emotional hurts • C- Guilt feelings • D- Social stigma: friends, family, society • E- STD’s • F- More risks… Are any of these worth that little moment? What would I do if I found out I or the girl was pregnant? What about if I had an STD?
DECISION MAKINGCHOICES AND COUTCOMES OF TEEN SEXUALITY, PREGNANCY & PARENTHOOD Abstinence (legal) No Contraceptive Decision Get Married Raise child Sexual Decision Pregnancy Decision Parenting Decision Sexually Active ? (illegal) Use Contraceptives Yes 1.Pregnant 2.Not Pregnant 3.STD 4.No STD 5.Will affect your relationship. How? 6 Will affect you. How? Have Baby ? Keep Baby ? Yes No Pregnancy Yes Yes Yes Single parents And others Raise child Yes Yes No No Single parent Raises child alone Protected Sexual activity STD’s Abortion Adoption Pregnancy Sterility AIDS Possible Consequences Death Cervical cancer
3. Absolutely no one stands to be hurt by it, including: A-You -your reputation: What if your fiancé asked if you were sexually active? -Your Future B-Your parents and other family members: Could you tell your parents? C-Any possible offspring: If your son or daughter asked if you had sex at their age, what would you say? D-Your sex partner. -Their future -Their reputation -Their family
4. You can and will feel good about it should you NOT marry that person. • What if this sexual relationship ends? What will I do? • What if you see the person years later. How would you feel? • How would you introduce him/her to spouse? To your children?
5. It is not just to satisfy: A- Physical urges. B- Curiosity C- Social and/or peer pressures for popularity and acceptance. -Is sex necessary to maintain this relationship? -Can I have a good dating relationship without having sex or being physical?
6. Is pre-marital sex right for anyone? Things to consider: 1.Age factors 2.Maturity Levels 3.Financal Security 4.Education Status 5.Emotional readiness for: parenthood, heart break confusion 6.Meeting all of the above guidelines Generally not high school students
When Do I make the choice about being involved in pre-marital sex? Today would be good!
Is Today’s Want More Important than my Future? • “The chief cause of unhappiness and failure is sacrificing what is wanted most for what is wanted at the moment.”
How can I avoid getting into a difficult situation? • Double or group date • Plan the activity beforehand • Avoid long times being alone together • Avoid being alone in the dark • Attend public and group functions • Think of your future • Use Sexual Refusal Skills • Use the decision making plan
Decision Making Review IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM *should I have sex at this point in my life? LIST THE CHOICES: *Yes, with someone I love *No, not now. LIST THE PRO’S AND CON’S OF EACH OPTION, INCLUDE CONSEQUENCES *Pregnancy, STD, AIDS, guilt, reputation, hurt family, lose self-respect, ruin relationship *Keep self-respect, not damage relationship MAKE A CHOICE *Not making a decision is still making decision. Continue thinking of consequences – are they worth it? MAKE A PLAN *Avoid situations that make the funnel more slippery *Practice the refusal skills *If I or the girl get pregnant or we get an STD what will we do? ACT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE RESULTS OF YOUR DECISION You want to do adult actions and make adults decisions? Act like an adult and take responsibility for what happens! SEXUAL REFUSAL SKILLS INCLUDE: Giving a reason for not wanting to be physically involved, using nonverbal signals with your words, suggest alternatives.
Prevention Behaviors for Young Women: • Know Your Sexual Limits. Don't wait until the "heat of the moment" to think through how far you do and do not want to go with your partner. • Be Assertive. State your limits clearly. Use words like STOP!, NO! and repeat if necessary. Move physically away from the person if possible. If necessary, walk away or get out of the situation. • Be Aware of Non-verbal Cues. Know that if you dress sexy and flirt, some men may think you want to have sex. This doesn't mean your dress or actions are wrong, but know that they may create misunderstanding. • Pay Attention to Your Surroundings. Trust your intuition. If you feel something is wrong, it probably is. Get out of the situation as soon as you can. • Avoid Excessive Use of Alcohol and Drugs. Alcohol and drugs cloud your judgment and make you unaware of what may be happening around you. • Prevention Behaviors for Young Men: • Know Your Sexual Limits and Communicate Them. Be aware of sexual pressures to "score." It's okay to say no or to wait to have sex. • Being Turned Down is Not a Personal Rejection. Being turned down for sex doesn't mean your partner doesn't like you. It's much more a statement about her not feeling ready for sex at this time. • Accept a Woman's Decision. "No" means just that —No. Don't continue sexual pressure if a woman says no. • Don't Assume a Woman Wants to Have Sex. Even if she is wearing sexy clothing or has been flirting with you a lot, it doesn't mean she wants to have sex with you. • Avoid Excessive Use of Alcohol and Drugs. Alcohol and drugs cloud your judgment and are never an excuse for aggressive behavior.