Your squad car will only break down when you happen to be outside of your beat.

1. Your squad car will only break down when you happen to be outside of your beat.

2. The ease of service of any search warrant varies directly with the likelihood that you are in the wrong house.

3. Waterproof boots aren't.

4. Freebies will arrive at the station only on your day off.

5. The coffee machine breaks down only on graveyard shift.

6. Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.

7. Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.

8. Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of shift.

9. New uniform shirts and ties attract gravy and ketchup.

10. Perfect 10s show up to talk only when you're busy.

11. You will find a “Police Discount” one day before payday.

12. Bulletproof vests might be.

13. Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

14. The experience of your Assistant District Attorney is inversely proportional to the importance of your case he is prosecuting.

15. On any day that you are filmed by a news crew, you will forget your hat.

16. You never get the urge to use the bathroom until after you have left the station.

17. You will remain in perfect health until your days off.

18. Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.

19. Surprise inspections occur only after a foot pursuit through the slough.

20. Glow-in-the-dark gun sights are just as visible to crooks hiding behind you as they are to you.

21. Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to areas of high traffic density.

22. The Mayor will get a parking ticket only when it is time to negotiate police salary increases.

23. Your only pen will run out of ink exactly at the moment you decide to write traffic violators.

24. No patrol car assigned to you will be clean or have a full tank of gas.

25. Zippered boots break only when there are less than three minutes until roll call.

26. White socks make boot zippers break.

27. NCIC will be down any time you see a car listed on the hot sheet.

28. Coffee jitters will never plague you until firearms qualification day.

29. Old squad cars never die - they just smell that way.

30. Flashlight batteries never die in daylight hours.

31. You will never get a bomb call until the squad is away on a training exercise.

32. The only time John Q. Public wants a friendly chat is when you sit down to eat.

33. Your mouthiest traffic violator of the day will be related to the Sheriff.

34. Word processors only delete reports that are nearly finished.

35. You will score no higher than fourth on a three-vacancy promotional exam.

36. Your bulletproof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder.

37. You will receive a subpoena in a major felony case for the first day of your paid-for, non-refundable vacation.

38. If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

39. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick, and choke.

40. The speed at which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been a cop.

41. If you know someone who tortures small animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial rapist or he works in Internal Affairs.

42. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will produce a semi-permanent limp.

43. In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any police impact weapon used will strike more cops than bad guys.

44. Any citizen observing an approaching police vehicle with emergency lights showing will immediately pull into the traffic lane needed by the officer.

45. Never search a dark warehouse with an officer whose nickname is “Boom-Boom.”

46. Every citizen, upon learning that you are a cop, will tell you a traffic stop story that he is certain you have never heard before.

47. Do unto others, but do it first.

48. Eat Right.Exercise Often.Die Anyway.