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亲子沟通讲座. Teens and parents speak out Supported by SJTU-SV Teens & Parents Speak Out: On Substances and Success. Carl Shan & Kevin Tang. Our Survey 我们的研调. We asked 4 questions to Parents and Teens: 我们向父母和青少年们问了四个问题:

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Teens and parents speak out

Supported by


our survey
Our Survey 我们的研调
  • We asked 4 questions to Parents and Teens:
  • 我们向父母和青少年们问了四个问题:
    • “How do you feel about alcohol/tobacco/marijuana?”你们是如何看待酒精、香烟和大麻的?
    • “Do you have friends that take drugs/drink alcohol on a regular basis?” 你们是否有朋友吸毒、酗酒?
    • “What does it mean to you to be successful in everyday life?”你们对于每天都是成功的一天的定义是什么?
    • “What do parents think it means to be successful?”父母们对成功的定义是什么?
views of parents
Views Of Parents父母们的看法
  • 12 Parent Responses 十四个父母回答了问题

“How do you feel about alcohol/tobacco/marijuana?”你们是如何看待酒精、香烟和大麻的?

“What does it mean to you to be successful in everyday life?”你们对于每天都是成功的一天的定义是什么?

“What do parents think it means to be successful?”


parents on substances our survey
Parents On Substances: Our Survey

One parent said that medicinal marijuana was acceptable.


92% of parents said that substances were NEVER acceptable.

views of teens
Views Of Teens青少年的看法
  • 53 Teen Responses 53 位青少年回答了问题

“How do you feel about alcohol/tobacco/marijuana?”


“Do you have friends that take drugs/drink alcohol on a regular basis?”


teens on substances
Teens On Substances
  • According to a 2010 national survey, 39%of teens have drank alcohol in the last month.
  • In another survey, teens cited adult and youth acceptance saying, “alcohol is everywhere,” and “alcohol is not viewed as a drug” as top reasons why teen drinking is so prevalent.


teenage views our survey
Teenage Views: Our Survey青少年的看法:我们的研调

Conditionally Acceptable meant the respondents thought alcohol was acceptable under certain conditions. 人们对此有条件式地接受意味着他们认为喝酒在某种条件下是被许可的。

Nearly 30% of teens answered substances were okay sometimes.

how many people use them
How many people use them?

35% of teens answered they had friends who used substances.

what does this all mean
What does this all mean?这意味着什么?
  • Around 8% of parents thought certain substances (i.e. alcohol and marijuana) were conditionally acceptable for teens.大约百分之八的父母们认为在某种条件下,酒精和大麻对于青少年使用者来说是可以接受的。
  • However, almost 30% of teens answered that they were conditionally acceptable. And even one teen answered that they were completely acceptable!大约百分之三十的青少年回答他们可以接受有条件的使用。甚至有一位青少年回答他完全接受.
now what
Now What?
  • This shows a large difference in understanding and viewpoints between teens and parents that we need to bridge and confront!

这显示对这个问题的理解和看法, 父母们和青少年们有着很大的差距。我们需要面对此一差距并且沟通两代人的认知。

  • Please talk to your teen about your views and make sure that they understand what is and what is not appropriate!


parents on success our survey
Parents on Success: Our Survey 父母对成功的看法
  • “What does it mean to you to be successful in everyday life?”你们对于每天都是成功的一天的定义是什么?

100% of parents answered happiness for their child was the most important thing

teens on success our survey
Teens on Success: Our Survey青少年对成功的看法

“What does it mean to you to be successful in everyday life?”你们对于每天都是成功的一天的定义是什么?

~75% said Happiness

~25% said Grades/Money

what does this mean
What does this mean? 这意味着什么?
  • 100% of parent responses said that to be successful for their children is for them to be happy. 百分之百的父母回答他们孩子的成功意味着孩子感到快乐和幸福。
what does this mean1
What does this mean?这意味着什么?
  • However,24% of teens said that

grades/money mattered the most!

  • Different priorities!



teenage views on success contd
Teenage Views on Success contd.青少年对成功的看法

“What do parents think it means to be successful?”


67% of teens answered that their parents cared about grades/money the most.

what do teens think
What do teens think? 青少年又怎样想的?
  • Teens seem to think that their parents OVERWHELMINGLYprefers grades/$money$rather than happiness. 青少年似乎认为他们的父母过于把成绩和金钱放在了快乐和幸福之上。
  • Large communication problem! Parents need to tell this to their children! 巨大的沟通问题!父母们需要告知他们的孩子。
now what1
Now What?
  • This shows that we need communication between parents regarding what is ‘success’!


  • Please guide your children while still respecting their views!


  • It’s important to talk WITH your teen and not talk TO them. Have a two-way conversation!


one parent s view real life examples
One Parent’s View: Real Life Examples一位母亲的看法:现实生活中的例子
  • One high school Teen I know who uses marijuana and drinks alcohol


  • A short conversation between a teen and Nina.


questions to the teen
Questions to the Teen问青少年的问题
  • Is it a ‘big deal’?是个很严重的问题吗?
  • What do you think of alcohol and Marijuana?你对大麻和酒精是怎样看待的?
  • What would you do if you were a parent? 如果你是父母你会怎样做?
  • Wouldyou do it? Why or why not? 你会去做吗?为什么不?
question to parents
Question to parents:
  • Other than Legality, how else can we help our children to build up the right philosophy and values toward life?



Number 1 Pressure: 最大的压力是:

  • Grades/Academics 分数/功课
  • Magnitude varies with person大小因人而异
  • “In high school, there is a lot of pressure to get the 'best' grades … and to become what your parents want you to be.” 高中生很多压力,要考最好的成绩,..., 做父母要孩子做的事。
Teens 青少年
responses to pressures

Suppress feelings 对压力的回应

  • Depression 焦虑
    • Story of a Leland student一个高中生的故事
  • Sacrifice passions 牺牲爱好
    • Some gave up hobbies to focus on school 为了功课放弃爱好
Responses to Pressures对压力的回应
parents help or hurt

Hurt. 伤害

  • Even most lenient parents place some pressure所有的父母都会给孩子一定的压力
  • Teens feel that parents hardly help relieve pressure青少年觉得父母几乎无法帮助他们释放压力
  • Friends’ parents sometimes end up yelling at children instead of helping with work朋友的父母有时会以对孩子大声喊叫代替帮助孩子的功课。
Parents-Help or Hurt?父母的作用---帮助还是伤害?

Most teens don’t turn to parents大多数青少年不会求助于父母

  • Many choose their hobbies, such as sports通常他们会去做他们爱做的事,如运动。
  • Others entertain themselves (music, games)或者音乐,游戏等
  • Many also turn to their friends很多人会向他们的朋友求助。
Relief 释放压力

Also a good number who keep it in and do nothing也有不少人闷在心里,什么也不做。

  • “My boyfriend and friends; all of them were really understanding and helped me get through high school when I was feeling incredibly stressed out.”当我赶到喘不过来气的时候,是我的朋友们能真正的理解 我,帮过度过我的高中生活。
Relief 释放压力
how to help teens

Slowly open up to your child不要急于帮助你的孩子

  • Offer assistance with schoolwork帮助孩子的学校的功课
  • Encourage your child to take breaks from schoolwork孩子在做学习的功课时,鼓励孩子休息一下。
How to help teens怎样帮助青少年?
parents when they were teens

Pressures when they were in high school were also academic在他们高中时也有功课的压力。

    • Their parents were often busy working他们的父母当时忙于工作。
      • Thus, little ability to help relieve pressures所以,几乎没办法帮他们释放压力。
    • Their parents did chores for them to increase studying time有些他们的父母帮助他们做家事,以增加孩子读书的时间。
Parents when they were teens父母亲在他们高中的时候
current pressures of parents

Earning money 挣钱

  • Raising kids 养育孩子
    • One large pressure is sending children to college把子女送进好的大学
Current pressures of parents父母面临的压力
parents relief

Vacation 度假

  • Talk to spouse/kids 和配偶或孩子交谈
  • Hobbies 娱乐
Parents’ Relief父母怎样释放压力
how to help parents

Parents need to communicate pressures to teens父母需要和青少年沟通压力的事

  • Harder for teens to ask about parents孩子很难开口向父母求助
  • Getting angry at children increases pressure/stress when对孩子发怒只会增加孩子的压力
How to help parents如何帮助父母
dating and marriage

Dating and Marriage约会和婚姻

Understanding perspectives and differences


what is was dating like in high school
What is/was dating like in high school?高中生男女约会是怎么回事?
what is was dating like in high school1
What is/was dating like in high school?
  • Actually quite similar事实上非常接近
  • Differences不同之处
    • Then: Dating in high school was RARE.


    • Now: More physical intimacy


    • Then: No hook-ups以前:没有男女间短期身体接触
      • What is a hook-up?什么是男女间短期接触
what to look for in a significant other
What to look for in a significant other?怎样去寻找生命中重要的那一半?
what are you looking for in a significant other
What are you looking for in a significant other?
  • Most Important: Personality, good moral character, compatibility


  • Some importance: Physical appearance


  • Parents: Security (Financial and Emotional), Education


what is the right age1
What is the right age?
  • Most Important: Depends on maturity


  • Parents: College父母:大学
  • Teens: Average 16 years old


    • (ranging from 8th grade to 17)


what is the purpose of dating in high school college
What is the purpose of dating in high school/college?高中生和大学生约会的目的是什么?
what is the purpose of dating in high school college1
What is the purpose of dating in high school/college?
  • Overall: It just happens!总的来说:它发生了!
    • Or companionship, close friendship伴侣,密切的关系
  • Parents: for some, marriage父母:有些,婚姻
  • Teens: variety of reasons青少年:不同的原因
    • Physical intimacy, hormones肢体接触,荷尔蒙
      • Hook-up culture短期接触的文化
    • Experience for future more serious dating


    • Fun, self-esteem, identity好玩,自我意识,自我认同
    • NOT marriage不是为了婚姻
is there pressure to date1
Is there pressure to date?
  • Overall agreement: No pressure


  • Parents: Only in later years, of course, for marriage父母:仅仅在将来的岁月里,才是为了婚姻
  • Teens: Depends on friends青少年:根据朋友不定
    • Dances, Mixers, Prom舞会、晚会、毕业狂欢
      • A Date?约会?
how long do relationships last
How long do relationships last?男女关系能持续多久?
how long are relationships
How long are relationships?
  • Overall agreement: Varies!


  • Parents: Typically 3-4 years


  • Teens: Typically 6 months


  • What does that show?这说明什么?
parents rules1
Parents’ rules?
  • Overall agreement:

Not too much discussion on the topic


    • Or one-sided或者是一方的
  • Parents say: no interference with school/studies!


    • Teens agree somewhat青少年某种程度上同意
  • Parents say: someone who is good for you!



"When I was 16 years old, I had my first date with a boy who I liked. But, in China, dating cannot be in public to our parents, so when he wanted to see me, the only thing we could do together would be to study. Even then, the school and teachers found out, and gave us a talk about dating.”


“Our parents ended up finding out, and tried to stop us from dating, but couldn't. So what happened, in the end, our studies dropped dramatically and we both did not make it into our first year in college. I had to redo my last year in high school all over again.”


“I promised myself that I had to make it into college this time, so I broke up with him. He didn't realize how much college meant, so he kept dating around and still did not make it into the second year of college, but I did.”


“So when you're a teenager, you cannot control your desires, you end up doing what you want to do than what is really important. Teens should know what they're doing and realize how much dating could effect someone in their school life."


但是,总的来说,我们有许多的交谈!我妈和我曾经一起看韩剧,并且长时间地讨论诸如“为什么她要离开他?”或 “为什么他必须死?”等问题。当我刚开始谈恋爱时,我犹豫是否告诉我妈,因为过去当我们谈到恋爱时,我妈似乎认为“不可以,学习第一,你必须上了大学才可以谈恋爱。”

尽管如此,由于我们之间的良好关系,我决定还是告诉她,因为我希望我生命中的一位重要的人知道我在谈恋爱。我知道我妈总会接纳我的决定,即使她不同意。所以,在我开始谈恋爱后两天,我在车里告诉了我妈。 尽管如此,由于我们之间的良好关系,我决定还是告诉她,因为我希望我生命中的一位重要的人知道我在谈恋爱。我知道我妈总会接纳我的决定,即使她不同意。所以,在我开始谈恋爱后两天,我在车里告诉了我妈。
当时所发生的挺好玩的,因为出乎我的意外,从她口中发出的是“啊——!”对于她如此的接纳和信任,并认为我已经足够成熟来谈恋爱,我感到非常感激。当然,我们之间总是有文化差异的。当我告诉我妈以后,她说的第二句话是:“他有多高?”幸运的是,他长得挺高的。哈哈! 当时所发生的挺好玩的,因为出乎我的意外,从她口中发出的是“啊——!”对于她如此的接纳和信任,并认为我已经足够成熟来谈恋爱,我感到非常感激。当然,我们之间总是有文化差异的。当我告诉我妈以后,她说的第二句话是:“他有多高?”幸运的是,他长得挺高的。哈哈!



家长们,请仔细留心地倾听你们家的青少年们!高中是一段艰苦的时期,我们刚刚认识我们自己,刚刚找到自己在世界中的位置。总要对你们的青少年给与支持。可能你们有不同的意见,但请倾听他们,了解他们的苦衷。先把你们的主张放在一边,花时间了解和信任你们的青少年。我保证这时间对双方都是值得的。 家长们,请仔细留心地倾听你们家的青少年们!高中是一段艰苦的时期,我们刚刚认识我们自己,刚刚找到自己在世界中的位置。总要对你们的青少年给与支持。可能你们有不同的意见,但请倾听他们,了解他们的苦衷。先把你们的主张放在一边,花时间了解和信任你们的青少年。我保证这时间对双方都是值得的。

moms time out thurs july 1 st @10 a m

MOMS’ TIME OUTThurs, July 1st @10 a.m.

Come for a much needed

time of fellowship, prayer, and equipping.


Learn valuable parenting tools for Toddlers through Teens


“Parenting is Heart Work” video & small groups

(Free Childcare Provided)

  • 高校联合会,上海交大校友会,河南同乡会的一贯支持。
  • 感谢刘爱加老师的尽心尽力的指导。
  • 感谢朋友们对YOU谷回音壁的支持。
  • 谢谢星岛电台的支持。