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1. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal plan, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my online dating, however, I understood that this was actually a response for what men do to women. There are three major levers in our lives which, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was depressed. I was scarred. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can not only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person.

2. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these strategies as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, so as to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy

3. So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photos were only sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe right on their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Guys, this is entirely your fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the perfect people. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing).

4. All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not sure how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on each profile, but I set up another profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could get a big enough sample size and be sure that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I didn't read much into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mineso that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. This is a super simple optimization that can seem like a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can actually ask your matches what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Now, a part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way.

5. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to understand that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up top, as an example, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with following convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that guy. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party did not match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the toughest and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There is no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is having a clear structure.

6. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went into a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make certain that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of colour and perhaps some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing

7. volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I like and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of those people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you essentially need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a man who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating programs too. Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you

8. went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that if you take millions of people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? What is it going?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of this type of question). How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer

9. Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D Helpful resources being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and went past a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation.

10. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they normally have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then make sure to ask the man about things he's interested in as well. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to place a good deal more thought in their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. Where you have your date decides about 50--70% of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was totally new to relationship so I was only following what I had seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better women to go on dates with, it was merely

11. a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You start talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. You then run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 feet to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I began taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is shifting so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Activity -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first.

12. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. So here is my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a woman didn't like science and facts it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations.

13. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the connection. For example, if I didn't visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. In order to make certain that I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. One thing I noticed is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own.

14. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you are not prepared to date at this time. I had a girl tell me this and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really badly, do not frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these dating strategies helped me tremendously, but depending on your

15. context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of dating. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's imperative to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which aren't just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super love if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.