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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no response. At this time I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my online relationship, however, I understood that this was really a response for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was scared. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I took to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both women and men who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, so as to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In fact, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photograph until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite problem.

3. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation. Guys, this is entirely your own fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the perfect folks. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image.

4. They do not get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could get a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture I did not read much into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. This is a super simple optimization that may look to be a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can really ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, a part of this error may be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act.

5. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up shirt, as an instance, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that guy. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signs is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not need to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the toughest and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There is no ideal answer, but there are definitely some incorrect answers.

6. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. For example, if I went up to a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be sure it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two.

7. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of color and perhaps some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you basically need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact.

8. I've heard countless stories of women who have matched with a man who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating programs too. Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it is a very unnatural way of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that when you take countless people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it is a fantastic idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. A) "Hey! How's it going?" How was your weekend?" (or any other variation of this sort of question). (according to a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to consider it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response

9. Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a movie or a place in their own pictures. The reason why I suspect that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I'm currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure.

10. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they normally have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he's interested in as well. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to place a lot more thought in their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to co napisać na tinderze have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was totally new to dating so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations.

11. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was sure was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn once I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is changing so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be certain it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier?

12. Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the very same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here is my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you are a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the beach, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman did not like facts and science it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on every date as you try to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two,

13. there can be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the connection. By way of example, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one driving the relationship sequence (which isn't always the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. To be able to make certain that I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week then?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you aren't ready to date

14. right now. I had a woman tell me this and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you chase them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really poorly, do not scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them.

15. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your procedure might have to be different than the one above. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is vital to have a system in place to help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides can help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that aren't just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But remember, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.