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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no response. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my online dating, however, I understood that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives which, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was scared. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I took to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person.

2. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). The absolute most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, in order to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photograph until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a girl to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation.

3. Guys, this is entirely your own fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is great to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the perfect folks. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing).

4. All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I put up another profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film I did not read much into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mineso that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super easy optimization that can seem like a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself."

5. Now, part of this error might be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to understand that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up top, as an example, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with subsequent convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that man. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is good, but choosing false signals not so much. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter.

6. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's absolutely no right answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. For instance, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of color and perhaps some talking points that you two can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations).

7. The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the folks in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you basically want the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a man who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: Again, as with this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your

8. conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that if you take countless people and put them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it is a fantastic idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! How's it going?" How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of the type of question). D) "Hey! (according to a book they listed in their profile) I will let you think about it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.)

9. Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a picture or a location in their pictures. The reason why I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I am now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and moved past a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation

10. Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a good deal more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question...

11. Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was totally new to dating so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. Then you run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-house communication abilities. Therefore, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had dropped 15 feet to what I was sure was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I began carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three classes:

12. Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is shifting so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Activity -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make certain it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the very same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I would substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you are a guy) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the shore, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we could both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman didn't like science and facts it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway.

13. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to look for on each date as you try to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, jak zagadać do dziewczyny na badoo so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that isn't too difficult. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the connection. By way of example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps among the most important pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one driving the relationship sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, back and forth. To be able to make sure I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances.

14. One thing that I discovered is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you aren't prepared to date right now. I had a woman tell me this and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the

15. Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides can help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important point to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates which are not only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run.

16. Naturally, regardless of how well I did all of the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. But remember, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.