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However, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses.
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THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my online relationship, however, I realized that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three major levers in our lives that, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process."
In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can not only get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the below. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women that are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. Basically, in order to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photograph before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photos were only sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox.
For men, we tend to have the opposite problem. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe right in their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it's great to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the perfect people. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is your profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first image was not my best.
It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The answer: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I set up another profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could get a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture that I did not read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of women. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends http://emiliobimx624.theburnward.com/20-up-and-comers-to-watch-in-the-jak-zagadac-na-tinder-industry of mine, so I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. This is a super simple optimization that can seem to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can actually ask your games exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of this error might be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way.
Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other people. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an example, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that man. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to let them know about
how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There is no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most important bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. For instance, if I went into a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make sure it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of colour and possibly some talking points that you two can discuss
in conversation (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure that there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially need the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of women who have paired with a guy who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states:
My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it is a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that if you take millions of people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it's a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! What is it going?" (or any other variation of the type of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you consider it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer
Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a picture or a location in their pictures. The reason I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I am currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you would with a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they
do. And they usually don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the man about things he is interested in as well. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a good deal more thought into their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for both parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I
decided that I should experiment with some other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. Then you run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-person communication skills. So, if we're getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was sure was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn when I started taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a great date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is shifting so
that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be sure it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template that simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. So here is my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this since there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the shore, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret test because if a woman didn't like science and facts it likely would not work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good
conversation. Make sure that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that is not too difficult. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe among the most important pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one driving the relationship sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages youback and forth, forth and back. To be able to make certain I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date.
One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really poorly, do not scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0
Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and hold on. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides can help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that are not only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. But remember, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.
