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1. I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my online relationship, however, I understood that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 major levers in our lives which, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was depressed. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I took to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not only get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may have to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be much more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person.

2. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these strategies as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women who are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, so as to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she is looking

3. for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation. Guys, this is entirely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's good to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the perfect people. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They don't get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is your profile picture. I first

4. started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test numerous pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The answer: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I set up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could find a big enough sample size and be sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film that I didn't read much into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. This is a super simple optimization that can look like a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can actually ask your games what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable Now, a part of this error might be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way.

5. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to understand that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up top, as an example, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that man. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There is absolutely no ideal answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is having a very clear structure.

6. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. For instance, if I went into a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make sure it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and perhaps some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing

7. volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those folks in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you basically need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it.

8. The attractiveness of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it is a really unnatural way of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that when you take countless people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it is a fantastic idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! What is it going?" How was your weekend?" (or any other variation of this type of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to consider it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.)

9. In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then be certain that you ask the guy about things he is interested in as well. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a good deal more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of

10. the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house. Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was totally new to dating so I was only following what I had seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. It wasn't that I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin

11. speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You then run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. http://andykjzz165.lowescouponn.com/the-most-hilarious-complaints-we-ve-heard- about-pisanie-z-dziewczyna-na-fb I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was sure was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is changing so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be certain it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first.

12. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here is my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you are a guy) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a girl didn't like science and facts it likely would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to look for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Make certain that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits.

13. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the connection. By way of example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one driving the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. To be able to make certain that I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing I noticed is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you don't like them, they just want to know.

14. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself too). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really poorly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively attempt to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps

15. As I mentioned at the start of this post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is vital to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides will help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. Perhaps the single most important thing to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world-class investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and minimize your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that aren't just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can find it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.