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1. I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. At this time I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my online dating, however, I understood that this was actually a response for what men do to women. There are 3 significant levers in our lives which, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was scared. I was scarred. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I took to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't just get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you

2. will be much more inclined to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). The absolute most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, in order to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In fact, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photograph before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe right on their profile, let

3. alone to make them participate in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your own fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it is great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the right folks. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way...

4. I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on every profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could find a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture I didn't read much into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that may look like a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently.

5. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, a part of this error might be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an instance, is not always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date.

6. She sat down and we started talking. I was that man. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party did not match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is great, but choosing false signals not so much. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't need to tell them about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There is absolutely no ideal answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. For example, if I went into a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however.

7. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make certain that it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you should begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of colour and possibly some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of those folks in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content.

8. In dating, you essentially need the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it is a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that if you take countless people and put them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. A) "Hey! What is it going?"

9. B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" (or some other variation of this type of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a picture or a location in their own pictures. The reason why I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I am now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and went past a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation

10. Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being Check out this site obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you would with a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then be certain to ask the man about things he is interested in also. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a lot more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up good dates...

11. Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was completely new to dating so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I should experiment with some other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. Then you run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-house communication abilities. So, if we are getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience."

12. As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was sure was my upcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn when I started taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is shifting so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but make certain it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date sooner? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template which simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you're a guy) you have to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the shore, we can go for

13. romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret test because if a woman didn't like facts and science it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to look for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the connection. For instance, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe among the most crucial pieces of the online dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one driving the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The important thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. To be able to make certain I do not waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2

14. once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing that I noticed is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week then?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with the other person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you are not prepared to date right now. I had a woman tell me and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found

15. that people may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of this post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates that are not only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all of the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your discussions, your

16. dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.