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However, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses.
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THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my online relationship, however, I realized that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was scared. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I chose to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings
that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, so as to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile
is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe right on their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3-- 4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right folks. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than one second.
The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to test is your profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my pictures. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I set up another profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could find a large enough sample size and be sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film that I didn't read much into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that may look like a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can actually ask your matches exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.)
Now, part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to realize that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other people. A man wearing a button up top, as an instance, is not always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with following convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that man. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description.
You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There's absolutely no right answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. By way of example, if I went up to a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be certain that it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two.
The intro paragraph provides a small amount of colour and possibly some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as possible! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I enjoy and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the folks in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you basically need the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have matched with a guy who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific.
On OkCupid they have a single section that states: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that if you take millions of people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. What is it going?" (or some other variation of this type of question). D) "Hey! (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you consider it for a second. (I'll add some space before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response
Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason why I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and went beyond a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you would with a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation.
Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then be certain that you ask the man about things he is interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a lot more thought in their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your residence. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was totally new to dating so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I should experiment with several other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context.
Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-person communication skills. Therefore, if we are getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is changing so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. https://www.openlearning.com/u/freyer- qp2wlw/blog/20ReasonsYouNeedToStopStressingAboutPisanieZDziewczyna/ "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make certain it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date sooner?
With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you are a man ) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the shore, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal event so we could both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a woman did not like facts and science it probably would not work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you will both like that is not too difficult. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should
confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the relationship. By way of instance, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe among the most crucial pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make certain that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week then?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you are not prepared to date right now. I had a woman tell me and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ).
I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps
As I mentioned at the start of this post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a whole lot more. Perhaps the single most important thing to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that are not only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, regardless of how well I did all of the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.
