3 Common Reasons Why Your tinder czy badoo Isn't Working (And How To Fix It)

1. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. At this time I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my internet dating, however, I understood that this was actually a response for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 significant levers in our lives that, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was depressed. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not just get dates, but maybe discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that

2. come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be much more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these approaches as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both women and men that are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. Basically, so as to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photograph until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing

3. So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe right on their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is completely your own fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the perfect folks. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it is a thing).

4. All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could find a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film I did not read much into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that can look like a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can really ask your matches what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Now, part of the error may be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act.

5. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up shirt, for instance, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with following convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that man. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party did not match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is having a very clear structure.

6. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some colour to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most important bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. By way of example, if I went into a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of colour and possibly some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity.

7. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive that there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you basically need the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a man who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating programs too. My CTA goes as follows:

8. "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that when you take countless people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it's a good idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? A) "Hey! How's it going?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this sort of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to consider it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.)

9. Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a movie or a location in their own pictures. The reason I suspect that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and went past a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure.

10. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you are tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then be certain that you ask the guy about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a good deal more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. Where you have your date determines about 50--70% of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was totally new to relationship so I was only following what I had seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing.

11. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You then run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco

12. after all). Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be certain it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how do we Go to this site end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the very same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a woman didn't like facts and science it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to search for on each date as you try to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Make certain that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a

13. first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that isn't too difficult. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the connection. By way of example, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe among the most crucial pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one forcing the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, back and forth. In order to make sure that I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing that I discovered is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to

14. strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you are not prepared to date at this time. I had a girl tell me this and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really badly, do not scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating I found worked pretty well was the following:

15. Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is imperative to have a system in place to help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world-class investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates that aren't just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all of the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can find it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.