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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three major levers in our lives which, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was scared. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but maybe discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your

2. process might need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these approaches as we navigate the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both men and women who are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, so as to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photograph before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue.

3. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a girl to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Guys, this is entirely your own fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3-- 4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months later that, while it's good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the right folks. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than one second.

4. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my pictures. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not sure how I could test numerous pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I put up a different profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles until I could find a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture I didn't read into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mineso I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that can look to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can actually ask your games exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by

5. asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable Now, part of this error may be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up shirt, for example, is not always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that man. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party did not match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signs is great, but picking false signals not so much. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter.

6. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There is no ideal answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The objective of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. For instance, if I went into a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep Click for more it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be certain that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of color and perhaps some talking points that you two can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was:

7. "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I like as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you basically want the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of women who have matched with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating programs too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see if your

8. conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that if you take countless people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. What is it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of the type of question). D) "Hey! (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will let you consider it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.)

9. Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a movie or a location in their own pictures. The reason I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is the way I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternative version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I'm about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys:

10. DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you would with a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then make sure to ask the man about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a lot more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house.

11. In which you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was totally new to dating so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I determined that I should experiment with some other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You sit down at a table. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. You then run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there

12. was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn once I began taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is shifting so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we both do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be certain it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template that simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the beach, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach.

13. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl didn't like facts and science it probably would not work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on each date as you attempt to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the relationship. For instance, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most important pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one driving the dating sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. In order to make certain that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff.

14. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances. One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with the other person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you are not prepared to date right now. I had a woman tell me this and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you find someone who you want to be with really poorly, do not scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university

15. found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure may have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of dating. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's vital to have a system in place that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and hold on. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides will help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we often discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world-class investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates that are not just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are."

16. Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more people can find it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.