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Melding with Tankas - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

kuniko
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Melding with Tankas

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  1. Melding with Tankas Tips for rewriting

  2. Tanka 1 Green and golden leaves Blow in crispy dusking air As shadows move like Clouds across the ground – and night Sets without fanfare. ~Not bad actually…but it can be better.

  3. Tanka 2 Partly summer trees With partly colored leaves, that Blow in a crisply Summer breeze – as night sets Creeping ‘cross the sky. ~Also not bad…time to mix.

  4. Green and golden leaves Blow incrispydusking air As shadows move like Clouds across the ground – and night Sets without fanfare. Partly summer trees With partly colored leaves, that Blow in a crisply Summer breeze – as night sets Creeping ‘cross the sky. What do I like from Each?

  5. Super Tanka with a touch of editing Dark yet golden leaves Blow in crisply dusking air As shadows move like Clouds across the ground – night comes Creeping ‘cross the sky. ~Now this, I like…but it could still be better

  6. fix some word choices and Ultra Tanka Dark and auburn leaves Blow in crisply dusking air, While shadows go as Clouds across the ground – night comes Creeping ‘cross the sky. ~Nice.

  7. Another Example Glowing crescent moon Dances over silent stones A fallen angel Sings of twilight memories Clouds move ‘cross her frozen face. ~Jeanette Nelson …how many times was this rewritten?

  8. 1. Glowing silver moon Brightly lights the midnight sea, Black water swells Glistens as crystal mirrors Waves lap the shoreline. 2. Glowing silver moon Brightly lights the midnight sky, A fallen angel Signs me a soft cheerful song. 3. Glowing silver moon Over a lonely graveyard A fallen angel Sings to me stone notes of joy Gone are those he love. 4. Silver shining moon Silent granite graveyard A fallen angel Sings soft notes of hope to me She never die. 5. Glowing silver moon In silent granite graveyard A fallen angel sings soft notes of hope to me She can never die. 6. (ish) Glowing silver moon Lights silent Glowing silver moon How Many Times…

  9. 7. Glowing crescent moon Dances across the shoreline Black waves rise to fall. 8. Glowing crescent moon dances o’er silent stones A fallen angel Sings twilight memories Clouds move ‘cross her face. 9. Glowing crescent moon Dances over silent stones, A fallen angel Sings of twilight memories Clouds move ‘cross her face. 10. (ish) Simple glances turn Heads as they walk down the road, 11. Glowing silver moon Brightly lights the midnight land Reflecting water Glistens as crystal mirrors, Soon the sun will rise 12. Black water swells Sand glitters golden and cool Waves lap the shoreline Moon reflects the water like Small mirrors of truth. And more…

  10. Another Example “Rare Elegance” Primal impulses As she ambles into the room An amorous stare Pursues her like a shadow Too dumbfounded to utter. ~Jordanne Pape …how many times was this rewritten?

  11. 1. An alabaster smile Entombed in my mind A dark realm of cavernous expanses Overflowing with thoughts A soul like hers is hard to find Cranial impulses Error in transmission Misunderstanding 2. Walking in the room An alabaster smile Entombed in my mind Mist appears in the moonlight 3. She slides in the room A charasmatic smile Ackward glances are exchanged A slight smirk appears 4. Her charismatic smile trying not to stare A secret they snare 5. Main idea to interpret Describing the way a guy sees this beautiful young woman enter the room and how enchanted he is by her How Many Times…

  12. 6. Everything stands still As she slide into the room Gasping for air his Heart flutters as he catches Glimpses of rare elegance 7. Conversations turn Into muffled noise as she Slide into the room Glimpses of rare elegance Entombed in everyone's mind 8. Primal impulses as she slides into the room An amorous stare Follows her like a shadow Too afraid to show his face 9. Unrevealed identity Mystery behind a mask A witness from afar Lurking in the dark Trapped in the corner Trying to muster courage His tongue is tied Searching his vocabulary for the Right words 10. Scouring his mind Untangling his thoughts Weaving together words Fitting together the pieces Beginning to choke on his own tongue Words lost in cavernous expanses of his mind His misconstrued thoughts spill out. And More…

  13. 11. Waiting for the right moment Pausing before he unveils Heart pounding faster each second Praying to be noticed by her 12. Primal impulses as she slide into the room An amorous stare Follows her like a shadow As he scours his mind for words 13. As she ambles in the room An amorous stare 14. (ish) Stare: gaze, glare, peer, fixedly, come-hither look Follow: ensue, pursue Tete-a-tete-: out of the questions Mind: cognizance, subconscious, recoleection 15. Withholding words Words entangled with his toungue Too dumbfounded to utter a syllable 16. Petrified like old forests Legs too petrified to move Legs stand imoble Legs like statues And More…

  14. 17. His mind’s on the carousel Loose thoughts ready to pour out 18. Might seep out Leak out Drip out Dribble out Mind dribble Ok, she’s done… Still More…

  15. So, How Many Times is Enough? Good question. Let me explain it this way… “The Foundry”

  16. Homework • Pick a tanka from today. • Write four pages of rough drafts. • Then go back and piece together the best. • Type your final draft.