Chapter 14: Love and Relationships

1. Chapter 14: Love and Relationships For use with Human Sexuality Today (4th Ed.) Bruce King Slides prepared by: Traci Craig

2. Chapter Overview Theories of Love Attachment Theory Sternberg's Triangle Colors of Love Jealousy Relationship Maintenance • Romantic Love • Friendship • Really Love? • Companionate Love • Sex without Love • Love without Sex • Prerequisites for Love

3. Romantic Love • Idealization of another • Romantic Love is unnecessary and not valued in primitive society • Individualistic culture • Love is a primitive basic emotion • Sociobiology: romantic love is universal and linked to sexual desire.

4. Friendship or Love • Enjoyment of each other’s company most of the time • Acceptance of one another as is • Mutual trust that each acts in the other’s best interest • Respect for each other • Mutual assistance • Confiding in one another • Understanding each other’s behavior • Spontaneity: free to be oneself not play a role.

5. Friendship or Love • Love also includes • Fascination • Exclusiveness • Sexual desire • Giving the utmost • ‘in love’ includes the above; though many also report love for friends that do not include these things.

6. Unreciprocated Love • High levels of distress • Perceived benefits drive individuals to persist • ExtremeObsessive relational intrusion • Repeated and unwanted pursuit and invasion of one’s sense of physical or symbolic privacy. • Eventually ends when love is not reciprocated.

7. Is this really love? • Physiological response: • heavy breathing, pounding heart, increased blood pressure, sweaty palms, dry mouth in presence or when thinking of the person. • Dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine • Cognitive component • Interpreting the arousal as being ‘love’ • Phenylethylamine resistance • Love junkies

8. Companionate Love • Affection for those with whom we are deeply entwined. • Togetherness, trust, sharing, affection, and concern for other’s welfare. • Parent-child and Lasting adult relationships • Oxytocin release (breast feeding, labor, and orgasm) • Sense of calm, peace, and security

9. Companionate Love • Passionate Love—state of intense longing for union with another’ • People can experience both passionate and companionate love simultaneously. • Passionate is more sexualized and declines over time • Realistic Love—not based on fantasies or ideals

10. Companionate Love • Attachment—drab mundane companionship • Few rewards • Predictability • Familiarity, comfortable • Low anxiety

11. Sex without Love • Sex for its own sake • Both sex and love are intensely exciting experiences • Evolutionary women find sex less enjoyable outside of a loving relationship • Often a passing stage in relationships • Some prefer independence and low emotional involvement

12. Love without Sex • Nonsexual expressions of love • Illness, separation • Voluntary celibacy • Emotional intimacy allowed to grow • Conditional Love or ‘D’ Love • Other fulfills desires, meets our needs • Positively reinforcing to be with that person

13. Unconditional Love • ‘B’ love • Feelings are not dependent on the other meeting certain expectations or desires • Mothers’ love for children • Adult romantic partners’ love transcends the partner’s ability to satisfy needs or fulfill expectations • “I want you to be”

14. Prerequisites for Love • Self-acceptance: love oneself • Positive self concept (good self-esteem) • Confident and self-sufficient • Accept one’s own strengths and shortcomings • Loving caring parentswe are worthy of having someone else care about us

15. Prerequisites for Love • Self-disclosure: exchange of vulnerability • Distinguishes love from infatuation • Emotional intimacy can be more difficult than sexual intimacy • Reveal your needs, feelings, emotions, and values. • Women disclose more than men • Fear judgment, rejection, requires trust.

16. Theories of Love • Numerous theories • Attachment • Sternberg’s Triangle • John Lee • Many more than are covered in the text.

17. Attachment Theory • Children in a strange situation display patterns of behavior: • Secure—parents are source of security and trust • Anxious-ambivalent—inconsistent parents, ambivalence about the parent, seeking the parent, and angry outbursts • Avoidant—parents neglect them (understimulate or overstimulate) so they avoid their parent

18. Attachment Theory • Committed couplessecure attachment • Uncommitted peopleother types • Anxious people pair with avoidant people • Secure more hugs and physical comfort, more involvement and positive responses. • Avoidantless fluent, sit further away, less likely to self-disclose

19. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory • Concepts of love are made up of passion, intimacy, and decision/commitment. • We strive for consummate love.

20. Colors of Love • Styles (colors) of lovelook for match • Eros—idealized love based on beauty • Ludus—game playing love • Storge—affectionate love (friends first)

21. Colors of Love • Styles (colors) of lovelook for match • Eros—idealized love based on beauty • Ludus—game playing love • Storge—affectionate love (friends first)

22. Colors of Love • Secondary Colors • Pragma—practical love • Agape—altruistic, selfless love • Mania—obsessive, intense love

23. Finding a Good Match • Men more ludic than women • Women more pragma, stoge, and mania • Asian Americans more pragma, storge • Styles change over time • Two styles close on the chart are more likely to match (except mania and ludus) • Eros, agape, and storgemore satisfied • Longevity vs. Wonderful while it lasts

24. Jealousy • An emotional state aroused by a perceived threat to a valued relationship. • 50% of people tend to be jealous • Low self-esteem, personally unhappy, value popularity, wealth, and physical attractiveness. • Male jealousy is the leading cause of beating and murder of wives.

25. Jealousy • Men become jealous over sexual infidelity. • Women become jealous over emotional infidelity. • Jealous womenmake self better, Jealous menseek solace outside of the relatinship • Acknowledge your feelings • Don’t purposefully make your partner jealous

26. Relationship Maintenance • Initially: physical attraction, proximity, similarity, reciprocity • High divorce ratedrawn together by reasons that matter less over time. • Passion declinehabituation, ‘falling out of love’ • Replacing passion with intimacy and companionate love

27. Growing Together/Apart • Trying new things together (sexual & other) • Increase # of shared activities • Partner becomes ‘best friend’ • Growing apartfewer common interests • Growing togethermaintain common interests • Some separate interests, too.

28. Coping with Breakups • Breaking up as a Process • Obsessive review—preoccupation with the situation/other and refusing conclusion • Emotional/Social loneliness—isolated, friends pick sides • Ex-partner is still around—constant reminder

29. Coping with Breakups • Express your emotions • Figure out what happened • Do not idealize your ex • Prepare to feel better/expect to heal • Do not shut yourself off from others • Face that your life is about to change and you have a new start.

30. Becoming More Intimate • Feelings in a relationship that promote closeness/bondedness and the experience of warmth • Accept themselves as they are (your best) • Recognize partner for who they are • Feel comfortable expressing themselves • Deal with your partner’s reactions