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Listening so Teens will Talk

Listening so Teens will Talk. Keith Orchard – LCSW November 9th, 2013. 1. What to say to Sara?. That’s bullcrap mom . I’m 16, you treat me like a baby with this curfew at 10. All my friends stay out as late as they want. 2. What to say to Sara?.

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Listening so Teens will Talk

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  1. ListeningsoTeenswill Talk Keith Orchard – LCSW November 9th, 2013

  2. 1. What to say to Sara? That’sbullcrapmom. I’m 16, youtreat me like a baby withthiscurfewat 10. All myfriendsstay out as late as theywant.

  3. 2. What to say to Sara? Lori’smomissoridiculous, shewon’teven let her have texting on her phone.

  4. How do wegetour kids to open up? Key Element: Be Safe

  5. Has there been anyone in your life whoisdecidedly not safe?

  6. “I need the new iPhone, why can’t I have I have it?” • “Can I please stay out to midnight; everyone else is going to that movie.” • “I want to quit the basketball team, I never get to play.” • “I don’t care if I have a fever, there is no way I’m missing this concert.”

  7. Statementsthatwillshutyourchild down “Quit complaining, you don’t know how good you have it.” “I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you are making it.” “You’ll get over it.” Dismissing feelings

  8. Statementsthatwillshutyourchild down “Adversity builds character!” “There are other fish in the sea.” “God will not give you more than you can handle.” Platitudes

  9. Statementsthatwillshutyourchild down “If I had pulled that stunt when I was your age, do know what would have happened to me….? I’ll tell you what….” Lecturing “Did you even consider how embarrassing this would be for you father?” Guilt Card

  10. Statementsthatwillshutyourchild down “I know exactly how you feel, last week when your father yelled at me I was so angry I threatened to divorce him” Moving focus away from them - Making it about you

  11. Statementsthatwillshutyourchild down “Well that’s what happens when you make stupid choices.” “Well, I reminded you three times but did you listen…?” “I told you so”, Moralizing

  12. Statementsthatwillshutyourchild down “You shouldn’t put up with that garbage – dump the guy.” “If I were you I would march over there and…” Giving advice, Solving the problem

  13. Statementsthatwillshutyourchild down It’s not about the nail http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvAItJybQ7U

  14. How to beSafe? Step 1: StayCalm, Don’tOverreact

  15. Ways to show you are not Safe Respond with Anger “You did what?!!!” “What the hell are you thinking?!!! Your father is going to have a coronary!” Respond with Fear or Sadness “Could this get any worse? Our lives will be ruined.”

  16. How to beSafe? Step 2: Listen… and thenlisten more

  17. Our Goal In listening, we want the other person to feel like you care and you understand them. (even if don’t understand or you disagree!)

  18. a. Use ReflectiveListening Simple reflection has you repeat what a person says. Deeper reflection identifies a thoughtor feeling behind the statement.

  19. Show you are listening by reflecting Examples: The coach is always on my back, I can’t stand it!” Simple reflection: “You’re coach is on your case a lot.” Deeper reflection: “You feel discouraged because your coach won’t cut you a break.”

  20. Show you are listening by reflecting Example: “I hate school, I want to quit.” “You are really not liking school right now.” “You sound really frustrated.” “Wow, you must have had a really hard day.”

  21. Practice Reflection Example: “Ugggg. I hate these jeans. I don’t have anything nice to wear!” ‘‘You are having a hard time findingsomethingyouliketoday.’’ ‘‘You’re not happy withyourwardrobechoicesthismorning.’’

  22. Practice Reflection Example: “Math is so stupid. I’ll never have to use algebra anyway.” ‘‘You are not enjoyingyour math tonight.’’ ‘‘Soundslikeyou are reallystrugglingwith a yourlesson.’’

  23. Reflection Effective Physician http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URiKA7CKtfc

  24. b. Be Empathetic “Wow, that’s hard” “I see…that’s tough” “I’m so sorry you are going through that” “Shoot, sounds like a tough day” “That’s bad luck. Sorry that happened” “What a tough spot you are in”

  25. c. Be Silent A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered. Proverbs chapter 17:27 NLT

  26. d. Ask Questions (How to get Teens to Listen to Us - Step 1) Open vs Closed Questions Open ended questions generally cannot be answered with a yes or no.

  27. Open or Closed Questions? • Did you have fun tonight? • Tell me about your night. • Are you worried about your big test? • When you imagine taking your test, what is that like for you? • How was school? • What was your best thing about school today?

  28. How to getTeens to Listen to Us Step 1: Talk Less

  29. How to getTeens to Listen to Us Step 2: Talk Carefully

  30. How to getTeens to Listen to Us Step 3: Talk in an accent

  31. 1. What to say to Sara? That’sbullcrapmom. I’m 16, youtreat me like a baby withthiscurfewat 10. All myfriendsstay out as late as theywant.

  32. 2. What to say to Sara? Lori’smomissoridiculous, shewon’teven let her have texting on her phone.

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