Making a love connection
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Making a Love Connection. Styles of Love and Attachment. Chapter 7. Distinguishing Loving from Liking. Loving and liking are related but qualitatively different. Liking is based on affection and respect. Loving is based on attachment, caring, and interdependence.

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Making a love connection

Making a Love Connection

Styles of Love

and Attachment

Chapter 7

Distinguishing loving from liking
Distinguishing Loving from Liking

Loving and liking are related but qualitatively different.

Liking is based on affection and respect.

Loving is based on attachment, caring, and interdependence.

Some research adds passion (fascinated by the loved one, feeling the relationships is unique and exclusive, and sexual desire)

Is liking necessary for loving?

Sternberg s triangular theory of love
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love




Intimacy the warm component
Intimacy: The “Warm” Component

Foundation of the triangle

Feelings of emotional connection and closeness

Moderately stable

Somewhat controllable

Latent intimacy (internal feelings of closeness) vs. manifest intimacy (how you comm. affection/closeness)

Latent plateaus and manifest decreases over time.


Passion the hot component
Passion: The “Hot” Component

Based on motivation and arousal

Can friends feel passionate towards each other? Or parents towards their children?

Your book says yes, but its important to note romantic relationships are characterized by sexual arousal.

Uncontrollable as this kind of

love is referred to as infatuation

Falling in and out of love quickly

Can be difficult to sustain as its unstable

Commitment the cool component
Commitment: The “Cool” Component

Based on cognitive choice-referring to the decision to love someone and maintain committed

Relatively stable (builds gradually, then stabilizes)

Commitment is related to

trust, loyalty, and faithfulness,

which have been found to be central to

views of what love is

Commitment also predicts rel. stability (to some degree)

Different triangles different types of love relationships
Different Triangles, Different Types of Love (Relationships?)

8 Types of love identified by Sternberg:

Nonlove = none

Liking = intimacy only

Infatuation= passion only

Empty love= commitment only

Romantic love= passion + intimacy

Friendship love= intimacy + commitment

Fatuous love = passion + commitment

Consummate love= all three components

Love triangles box 7 1 corrected
Love Triangles (Box 7.1,corrected)














Love triangles
Love Triangles

















Unrequited love
Unrequited Love

Sometimes the feelings of friendship, caring, or passion the characterize loving and likely are not reciprocated.

Involves a would-be-lover (wants to intensify rel.) and a rejector (does not)

May or may not stem from a relationship

Would-be-lover face’s a dilemma

1.) keep quiet about feelings 2.) try to win their love. Ex, Friend Zone on MTV

Rejectors report experiencing more negative emotions than would-be lovers.

Emotions such as??

Unrequited love cont
Unrequited Love, cont.

  • The communication script is more defined for would-be-lovers than rejectors. (You Belong to Me)

    • Try to be “polite” but this can be a problem; may eventually feel victimized.

    • Mis-communication potential

      • I’m not interested in dating anyone right now but I want to stay friends.

      • I like you, but I’m really busy right now.

      • I’m interested in someone else.**

        • Most inappropriate for rom. partner to use

      • It wouldn’t work because I’m just not right for you.**

        • Most inappropriate for acquaintances to use.

        • Any personal examples?

Lee s love styles assess yourself pp 158 159
Lee’s Love “Styles” (Assess yourself: pp. 158-159)

Assess yourself: pp. 158-159

Lee s love styles assess yourself pp 158 1591
Lee’s Love “Styles” (Assess yourself: pp. 158-159)

The Primary Styles

Eros: Romantic or passionate love

Storge: Companionate love

Ludus: Game-Playing Love

The Secondary Styles

Mania: Possessive Love (eros + ludus)

Pragma: Practical Love (storge + ludus)

Agape: Unselfish Love (storge + eros)

Types of love as they blend
Types of Love as They Blend

  • Lee’s Love styles

    • Individual predispositions, stage in life, stage of relationship—sex and culture influences








What are sex differences?

Box 7.3 is informative.

Marston and hecht s love ways
Marston and Hecht’s Love Ways

Physiological and behavioral responses to love in their interviews could be grouped into seven categories representing the experiences of 90% of lovers.

1. Collaborative love: love is seen as a partnership involving mutual support, negotiation, increases energy, intensifies emotion.

2. Active love: based on activity and doing things together. Feelings of increased strength and self-confidence.

3. Intuitive love: love is a feeling communicated through nonverbals and feelings such as butterflies, and feeling warm all over.

Marston and hecht s love ways cont d
Marston and Hecht’s Love Ways cont’d.

4.) Committed love: based on commitment and feelings of commitment, spending time together and discussion of future.

5.) Secure love: based on security and intimacy. Feelings of safety and warmth, communicated through self-disclosure.

6.) Expressive love: shown through overt behavior. Doing things for partner and saying “I love you” often.

7.) Traditional romantic love: loves involves togetherness and commitment. When people are in love, they feel beautiful and happy.

Do you believe this represents 90% of lovers experiences?

Attachment theory key ideas
Attachment Theory: Key Ideas

Beginning in infancy and continuing throughout the lifespan, humans have an innate need to form attachments with others.

The interaction children have with caregivers leads to the development of internal working models (IWM) of self and others.

Attachment styles are relatively coherent patterns of emotion and social behavior that are exhibited in close relationships.

Attachment styles cont
Attachment Styles, cont.

  • Model of self: the degree to which a child develops an internalized sense of self-worth that is not dependent on external validation

  • Model of others: the degree to which a child expects others to be supportive and accepting (rather than rejecting)

    Model of self and others therefore ranges from positive to negative.

Attachment styles in childhood
Attachment Styles in Childhood

Secure:“goodness of fit” in terms of stimulation, responsive to basic needs, consistently caring

Avoidant: over- or under-stimulated, sometimes neglected (show little emotion when separated or returned to caregiver)

Anxious-Ambivalent: inconsistent response patterns, parent is preoccupied or stressed (anxious when separated but ambivalent when caregiver returns)

Children’s Attachment Styles after 2 years:

Secure: around 70% of children (positive models of self and others)

Avoidant: around 20% of children (negative models of others)

Anxious-Ambivalent: around 10% of children (negative models of self)

Adult attachment styles
Adult Attachment Styles

Positive Model of Others


(I’m okay,

you’re okay)


(I’m not okay,

you’re okay)



Of Self



of Self


(I’m okay,

you’re not okay)


(I’m not okay,

you’re not okay)

Negative Model of Others

Secure the prosocial style
SECURE: The Prosocial Style

Self-sufficient and comfortable with intimacy

Compromise and problem-solving during conflict

Highest level of maintenance behavior

Tend to be pleasant, self-disclosive, and skilled communicators

Reinforcement Effect: Because secures are confident and expressive, people react to them positively, reinforcing positive models of self and others

Preoccupied the emotional style
PREOCCUPIED: The Emotional Style

Overly involved and dependent

Want excessive intimacy and worry that partners do not care enough for them

Demanding, nagging conflict behavior

Express negative emotion with aggression or passive aggression

Overly disclosive and overly sensitive

Reinforcement Effect: By clinging to their partners and escalating intimacy quickly, they push partners away, thereby reinforcing that they are unworthy of love

Fearful the hesitant style
FEARFUL: The Hesitant Style

Fearful of intimacy (they have been hurt in the past and/or fear rejection)

Communication is often passive, guarded, and anxious

Trouble expressing emotions and self-disclosing

Relatively low levels of maintenance and nonverbal pleasantness

Reinforcement Effect: By avoiding taking risks, they keep themselves from developing the kind of close, positive relationship that will help them feel better about themselves and others

Dismissive the detached style
DISMISSIVE: The Detached Style

Counterdependent (self-sufficient to the point of pushing others away)

Relationships seen as nonessential; personal goals are a higher priority

Relatively low levels of relational maintenance, disclosure, and emotional expression

Withdrawing conflict style with more interruptions

Reinforcement Effect: By learning to get along on their own, they reinforce the idea that they do not need other people to be happy

Satisfaction stability and change
Satisfaction, Stability, and Change

Explanation for Relationship Satisfaction

General communication skills and emotional communication skills

Explanations for Stability

Interactions with caregivers have an especially strong effect on a person’s social development.

The Reinforcement Effect for each style

Explanations for Change

Significant life/relationship events

The partner’s attachment style

Variability across relationship types

More central to personality for some people