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So, if we are getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy.
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I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no response. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my online relationship, however, I understood that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was scared. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but maybe discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment.
If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be much more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these strategies as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, in order to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In fact, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photograph until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox.
Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite problem. Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a woman to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it is great to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the right folks. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one.
If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The answer: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on each profile, but I put up another profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film I did not read into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends of mineso I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that may seem to be a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can really ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself."
Now, a part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to realize that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up top, as an example, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that man. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter.
Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There is no ideal answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content that will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went into a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make sure it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you should begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and possibly some talking points that you can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was:
"I love being outside as much as possible! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I enjoy and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of those folks in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you basically need the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of women who have paired with a guy who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating programs too.
Again, as with this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it is a very unnatural method of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that if you take countless people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. How's it going?" (or any other variation of this sort of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to consider it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon co pisac na tinderze as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer
And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and moved past a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then make sure that you ask the man about things he's interested in as well.
DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to put a lot more thought into their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was completely new to dating so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this:
You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. Then you run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. So, if we are getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I began taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three categories:
Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but make certain it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date sooner? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I would substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template that simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you are a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the beach, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that particular night. This was also
my secret test because if a woman didn't like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Make sure that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that isn't too difficult. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the connection. For instance, if I didn't visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually think about timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, forth and back. To be able to make certain I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances.
One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with the other person and on your own. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a girl tell me and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really poorly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific proof for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that connection weakening.
I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your procedure may have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is vital to have a system in place to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we often discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates which are not just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, regardless of how well I did all the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, once you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating.
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