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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my online dating, however, I realized that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three major levers in our lives that, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was scarred. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not only get dates, but maybe discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might have to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge.

2. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). The complete most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, in order to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photograph before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photos were only sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a woman to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation. Men, this is completely your own fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop.

3. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months later that, while it is good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the perfect people. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They don't get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is your profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr.

4. I retained my profile description the same on each profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles until I could get a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture that I didn't read much into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that can look to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can really ask your matches what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.)

5. Now, part of the error might be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to realize that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up shirt, as an instance, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that guy. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signals is good, but choosing false signals not so much. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile.

6. There's no ideal answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. By way of instance, if I went up to a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and perhaps some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations).

7. The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I like as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you basically need the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of women who have paired with a man who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating programs too. My CTA goes as follows:

8. "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that when you take millions of people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! How's it going?" B) "Hey! (or any other variation of this type of question). (according to a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to consider it for a second. (I will add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response

9. Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason why I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure.

10. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then be certain that you ask the guy about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a lot more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your residence. In which you have your date determines about 50--70% of the results of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was totally new to relationship so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing.

11. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is shifting so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make

12. sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date sooner? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template that simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. You can find out more Then (if you're a man ) you have to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Queue the awkward white- boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman did not like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on each date as you attempt to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Make sure that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date).

13. Date #2: You have broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the relationship. By way of instance, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe among the most important pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. To be able to make sure I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing I discovered is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week then?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty.

14. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you are not ready to date right now. I had a woman tell me and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really badly, do not frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific proof for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient

15. time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of this post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is vital to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important thing to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates that are not just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, regardless of how well I did all the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.