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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no reply. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet dating, however, I understood that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. There are three major levers in our lives that, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating novice. I was scared. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but maybe discover the love of your life (with minimal stress).

2. Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, in order to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading with them on Additional info your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she is looking for"fun."

3. Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite problem. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Men, this is completely your own fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the perfect people. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is your profile picture. I

4. started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my pictures. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on every profile, but I set up another profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could find a big enough sample size and make sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film I didn't read much into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. This is a super easy optimization that can seem to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can actually ask your matches what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, part of the error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea.

5. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up shirt, as an instance, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that guy. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signs is great, but choosing false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not want to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to let them know about how you ran over your cat.

6. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There's no right answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went up to a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be certain that it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of colour and possibly some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you would like to have more meaningful

7. conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially want the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says:

8. "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it is a very unnatural method of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that if you take countless people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it's a good idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. How's it going?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of the sort of question). D) "Hey! (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will let you consider it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response

9. Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved past a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls:

10. DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a good deal more thought into their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your residence. Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was totally new to dating so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It wasn't that I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this:

11. You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. Therefore, if we're getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was sure was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I began taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a great date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is shifting so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be sure it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date earlier? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on.

12. Now I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template that simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you are a man ) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl did not like science and facts it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to search for on each date as you attempt to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that isn't too difficult. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations.

13. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the connection. For instance, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one driving the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know.

14. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you find someone who you want to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively attempt to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked fairly well was the following:

15. Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these dating strategies helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure may need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's imperative to have a system set up that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that are not only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, regardless of how well I did all the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride.

16. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.