The Intermediate Guide to jak zacząć pisać z dziewczyną na fb

1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no reply. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet dating, however, I understood that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three major levers in our lives which, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was depressed. I was scared. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I took to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process

2. may need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). The absolute most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, in order to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photograph until a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4

3. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a girl to swipe right in their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is completely your own fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months later that, while it's good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the perfect folks. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make

4. our mind up about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I set up another profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture that I didn't read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that may seem to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by

5. asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Now, a part of the error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to understand that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, as an example, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with following convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that man. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't need to let them know about how you ran over your cat.

6. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There is absolutely no right answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. By way of example, if I went into a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make certain it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you should begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two.

7. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of color and possibly some talking points that you can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I enjoy and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the folks in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you basically need the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific.

8. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it's a really unnatural method of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that when you take millions of people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey!

9. How's it going?" How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this sort of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to consider it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a movie or a location in their pictures. The reason why I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved past a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I'm about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting.

10. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a lot more thought in their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the dziewczyny z badoo date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence.

11. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date determines about 50--70% of the results of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with some other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You then run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-house communication abilities. So, if we are getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity.

12. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I started carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make certain it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template which simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you're a guy) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the beach, we can go for

13. romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl didn't like facts and science it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to look for on each date as you try to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the connection. By way of instance, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. To be able to make certain I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of this digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is very

14. easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi- million dollar accounts. One thing I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you are not ready to date at this time. I had a girl tell me this and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really poorly, do not frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively attempt to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it as well.

15. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure may need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of relationship. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is vital to have a system set up to help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic

16. failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates that are not only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can find it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.