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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. At this time I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three significant levers in our lives that, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!"

2. I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can not just get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be much more inclined to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these strategies as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). The complete most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, in order to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the format of a dating profile and Visit this website what you lead with.

3. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a girl to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3-- 4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it is good to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the perfect people. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's

4. projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on each profile, but I set up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could get a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film I did not read much into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mineso I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that may look like a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not

5. hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can really ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, a part of the error might be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to realize that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up top, for example, isn't always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with subsequent convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that guy. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We finished

6. the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't want to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There is no right answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most important piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content that will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. For instance, if I went up to a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave.

7. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be sure it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and perhaps some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I enjoy and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss.

8. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially need the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a man who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that when you take countless people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a

9. fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. How's it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" (or some other variation of this sort of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to consider it for a second. (I will add some space before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a picture or a location in their pictures. The reason I suspect that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and went beyond a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation

10. Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you would with a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the man about things he is interested in also. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a lot more thought into their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date.

11. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was totally new to relationship so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I decided that I should experiment with some other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a table. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than

12. dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we both do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be certain it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the very same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I would substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template which simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. So here is my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you're a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the beach, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we could both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a woman didn't like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night.

13. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to look for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it's time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one driving the relationship sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, back and forth. In order to make sure that I do not waste all my time with internet conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing I noticed is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar

14. look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you are not ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you find someone who you want to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans.

15. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure might need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is imperative to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world-class investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which are not just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all of the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are."

16. Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.