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1. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no reply. At this time I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my internet dating, however, I understood that this was actually a response for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was scared. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I chose to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can not only get dates, but possibly find the love

2. of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may have to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be much more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most frequent error http://kylerlbpm962.theglensecret.com/5-real-life-lessons-about-tinder-rozmowa I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both men and women that are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, so as to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photograph before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing

3. So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a woman to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is completely your own fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3-- 4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the perfect folks. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions

4. First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They don't get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I did not read much into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mineso that I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that can seem to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can actually ask your matches exactly what they think of

5. your pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable Now, a part of the error might be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to realize that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other people. A man wearing a button up shirt, for example, is not always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with following convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that guy. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signals is good, but choosing false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not need to tell them about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to tell them about how you ran over

6. your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. For example, if I went into a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be certain it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of colour and possibly some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations).

7. The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive that there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the folks in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially want the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says:

8. "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it's a very unnatural method of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that when you take millions of people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it's a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to determine if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! What is it going?" How was your weekend?" (or some other variation of the type of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer

9. Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a movie or a location in their own pictures. The reason I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and went past a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you would with a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation.

10. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then be certain that you ask the man about things he is interested in as well. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a good deal more thought into their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date decides about 50--70% of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context.

11. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You then run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 feet to what I was sure was my forthcoming death.

12. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn when I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but make certain it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template which simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you are a man ) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was

13. a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a girl did not like science and facts it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Make certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe one of the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one driving the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages youback and forth, forth and back. To be able to make certain I do not waste all my time with internet conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million

14. dollar accounts. One thing I discovered is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you don't like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you aren't ready to date right now. I had a woman tell me this and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto

15. University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure might need to be different than the one above. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's imperative to have a system set up to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a whole lot more. Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and minimize your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates that aren't just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether:

16. "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more people can find it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.